Okay, so we'll all agree this has been the weirdest cycle ever. (Well, I will say that, and you can just take my word for it, okay?)
I am normally very predictable. When not on bcp's, AF generally comes between days 22-27, with no spotting or cramping between periods. So on CD 15 (today), why did I just start spotting a little and having moderate-turning-to-give-me-meds-type cramping?
Is it from stopping bcp's? - this is my second cycle since stopping. Is it this implantation spotting/cramping I've heard about but never experienced, even though we supposedly have 0 sperm to work with? Is this related to the left lower quadrant pain from the last few days? What is going on with my body?
Is it okay to take naprox*en for the cramping? Should I test, and if so, when? Not sure if I should be happy or worried...
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
It's back.
No, I'm not referring to P*enny W!se, although thanks to Mr. S King, to this day, I cannot step over a drainage grate or open hole without first looking to see if a scary white-faced clown is in there. In fact, I walk **around** them whenever possible! Talk about irrational fears!
Anyway... Remember last year when I might have had a cyst that was never really confirmed? And I got a nasy call that basically threatened my job if I didn't return to work pronto?
Whatever that was, appears to be back. Technically, though, the pain never totally went away. It got lots better, but never really disappeared completely. Cycle # 2 after d/c'ing my birth control is Not. Looking. Good. That nagging pain is back, and bothered me much of the day. It hurts to sit, it hurts less to stand, God help me when my bladder is full. My lower back is killing me. I have occasional period-like cramps, but it's pretty mild. The ovary pain (I'm assuming that is what hurts?) was at a level today that, had my purse contained more than benadryl, I would have taken something to curb the pain.
This was frustrating when it happened the month I had ttc'd on our own harder than ever before. Now, with confirmed azoo, it's just ridiculous. I may put a call in to my gyn. If I'm talking meds AND doctor, you know I mean business. AF, I'm requesting you be banished forever!
Anyway... Remember last year when I might have had a cyst that was never really confirmed? And I got a nasy call that basically threatened my job if I didn't return to work pronto?
Whatever that was, appears to be back. Technically, though, the pain never totally went away. It got lots better, but never really disappeared completely. Cycle # 2 after d/c'ing my birth control is Not. Looking. Good. That nagging pain is back, and bothered me much of the day. It hurts to sit, it hurts less to stand, God help me when my bladder is full. My lower back is killing me. I have occasional period-like cramps, but it's pretty mild. The ovary pain (I'm assuming that is what hurts?) was at a level today that, had my purse contained more than benadryl, I would have taken something to curb the pain.
This was frustrating when it happened the month I had ttc'd on our own harder than ever before. Now, with confirmed azoo, it's just ridiculous. I may put a call in to my gyn. If I'm talking meds AND doctor, you know I mean business. AF, I'm requesting you be banished forever!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The glorious flip-side to the grieving-a-child-who-will-never-exist-coin
Ah, I have a new thought forming in my brain. Thoughts not of a child who will never be, but of a child who very well may ***ALREADY*** be!
It sucks to get through the grieving part. Not saying I'm done with that never to return, but a different seed has been planted in my heart and head.
My. Child. May. Be. Alive. Like, NOW. So it's time to dream of the child who WILL BE, and the child who IS! The flip side: just as it's completely possible to grieve for someone who never existed, it is equally and oppositely possible to love and pray for someone who, until now, has only existed in my heart and mind. I have prayed for his parents to make good, healthy decisions. I have prayed for her to be warm and well.
I don't know if he'll have olive skin or jet-black hair, if she'll be tiny but feisty or a chunky little dumpling, but I do know I already have a MamaBear-type love for this child.
This afternoon, as I was rocking my youngest nephew, tracing his plump little palm and short, chubby little fingers, I thought 1 is a good age. It will be challenging, for sure, as my nephew is sure to scream when Mama steps out of sight. (He will quit screaming for a limited list of people, including me, but for others, forget it!) I've always been told I have a way with babies and children. I can get them to sleep, make them smile, get them to eat food they swear they hate, and either make them calm down or go wild, circumstances permitting. I'm hoping I will have the same touch with my children. We're whisking them away to a better life, one with hope and a million chances, but we're also taking them away from the only world they know, from the only "family" they understand. I found myself questioning earlier if Benad*ryl is okay to give a freaked-out, non-English-speaking toddler pre-flight. But that junk hypes up some kids, so we should test it out in the hotel first. And does it make me a bad mother to be thinking of doing that before we've even started this journey?!?! (Considering doing the same with hubby, but for whatever reason, that doesn't make me question whether or not I'm a good wife!)
I know I'm getting waaayyyyyyyy ahead of myself here, and I may need some of the aforementioned sleep aid myself, tonight.... But duuuuude, my kid could TOTALLY be alive!!!
It sucks to get through the grieving part. Not saying I'm done with that never to return, but a different seed has been planted in my heart and head.
My. Child. May. Be. Alive. Like, NOW. So it's time to dream of the child who WILL BE, and the child who IS! The flip side: just as it's completely possible to grieve for someone who never existed, it is equally and oppositely possible to love and pray for someone who, until now, has only existed in my heart and mind. I have prayed for his parents to make good, healthy decisions. I have prayed for her to be warm and well.
I don't know if he'll have olive skin or jet-black hair, if she'll be tiny but feisty or a chunky little dumpling, but I do know I already have a MamaBear-type love for this child.
This afternoon, as I was rocking my youngest nephew, tracing his plump little palm and short, chubby little fingers, I thought 1 is a good age. It will be challenging, for sure, as my nephew is sure to scream when Mama steps out of sight. (He will quit screaming for a limited list of people, including me, but for others, forget it!) I've always been told I have a way with babies and children. I can get them to sleep, make them smile, get them to eat food they swear they hate, and either make them calm down or go wild, circumstances permitting. I'm hoping I will have the same touch with my children. We're whisking them away to a better life, one with hope and a million chances, but we're also taking them away from the only world they know, from the only "family" they understand. I found myself questioning earlier if Benad*ryl is okay to give a freaked-out, non-English-speaking toddler pre-flight. But that junk hypes up some kids, so we should test it out in the hotel first. And does it make me a bad mother to be thinking of doing that before we've even started this journey?!?! (Considering doing the same with hubby, but for whatever reason, that doesn't make me question whether or not I'm a good wife!)
I know I'm getting waaayyyyyyyy ahead of myself here, and I may need some of the aforementioned sleep aid myself, tonight.... But duuuuude, my kid could TOTALLY be alive!!!
Friday, March 26, 2010
It's all in my head...
I've started new posts, some in my head, some on my phone, but finished NOTHING...
Honestly, there's not a lot of funny in me right now. Put that post on the back burner.
Some various, random things are bothering me, but I can't really put my finger on what those things are, exactly. Scratch that post.
There's a huge incongruency going on in my heart; at least, for today/tonight/this hour, that's in the forefront of my mind. I'm trying to put to rest any dreams/ideas of conception and pregnancy, and prepare for the child(ren?) that WILL be entering our lives in the next year or two/three/pleaseGodMakeItSoon. I've researched DI, and I'm just not feeling it. Great for some, not really for me.
it hit me on the way home to pick up movie coupons between me getting work and hubby leaving the office: our child could be living and breathing RIGHT NOW!!!! Word of advice: don't stand between a Mama and her baby! To think that my baby could already be here just blows me away. To think that our child could already be conceived, or maybe she's just now thinking she might be pregnant and doesn't really know what to do -- I feel like a Mommy, even if it's just a little bit! And I want to know what my baby is doing. Is he in Russia, about to begin his day? Is she snug, safe, and warm and still a bun in the oven? Do they know that Mommy is coming to get them, just as fast as she can??? Could I actually *do* the dreaded MiDay this year, sans tears? Whoa, wait, let's not get carried away here!
I was just thinking at dinner... It's almost May. Like THE May, THE anniversary that I thought would *never* get here. And even though it felt forever away, looking back, it wasn't that long, after all. All those blogs I've read were right - it is so worth the wait, and 3 years really isn't too long. (Please remind me of this in a few months when I'm freaking out over paperwork or waiting months or a couple of years to actually hold my baby!)
We're in the home stretch. We have some awesome friends who, when hubby told them the financial part is holding us back, took it upon themselves to organize our first adoption fundraiser - a lunch after church, with everything from food to utensils donated. My fears of feeling bad about asking people to help us raise just part of the money we need, were for nothing, because we have awesome friends.
So, the homestretch. 3 years coming up in just over a month. Financial part beginning to be chipped away. Thinking about our children as more than hypothetical. It really does seem surreal!
Honestly, there's not a lot of funny in me right now. Put that post on the back burner.
Some various, random things are bothering me, but I can't really put my finger on what those things are, exactly. Scratch that post.
There's a huge incongruency going on in my heart; at least, for today/tonight/this hour, that's in the forefront of my mind. I'm trying to put to rest any dreams/ideas of conception and pregnancy, and prepare for the child(ren?) that WILL be entering our lives in the next year or two/three/pleaseGodMakeItSoon. I've researched DI, and I'm just not feeling it. Great for some, not really for me.
it hit me on the way home to pick up movie coupons between me getting work and hubby leaving the office: our child could be living and breathing RIGHT NOW!!!! Word of advice: don't stand between a Mama and her baby! To think that my baby could already be here just blows me away. To think that our child could already be conceived, or maybe she's just now thinking she might be pregnant and doesn't really know what to do -- I feel like a Mommy, even if it's just a little bit! And I want to know what my baby is doing. Is he in Russia, about to begin his day? Is she snug, safe, and warm and still a bun in the oven? Do they know that Mommy is coming to get them, just as fast as she can??? Could I actually *do* the dreaded MiDay this year, sans tears? Whoa, wait, let's not get carried away here!
I was just thinking at dinner... It's almost May. Like THE May, THE anniversary that I thought would *never* get here. And even though it felt forever away, looking back, it wasn't that long, after all. All those blogs I've read were right - it is so worth the wait, and 3 years really isn't too long. (Please remind me of this in a few months when I'm freaking out over paperwork or waiting months or a couple of years to actually hold my baby!)
We're in the home stretch. We have some awesome friends who, when hubby told them the financial part is holding us back, took it upon themselves to organize our first adoption fundraiser - a lunch after church, with everything from food to utensils donated. My fears of feeling bad about asking people to help us raise just part of the money we need, were for nothing, because we have awesome friends.
So, the homestretch. 3 years coming up in just over a month. Financial part beginning to be chipped away. Thinking about our children as more than hypothetical. It really does seem surreal!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Real Blog Entry Coming Soon!
There's a post ruminating in my head about my sarcastic sense of humor IRL. Trying to decide exactly what I want to say, and how to present it. Hubby sprung a work function on me this afternoon, for tomorrow night. And asked me to make a soup I've never made before. My sister had already made some, so she came to my rescue. Still a lot of preparing to get ready, both physically and mentally. Some of these people make me want to dig my eyeballs out.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
OMG ARE YOU?????
Uh, no... That picture on my f*b page is *not* any indication I am knocked up. And it stings a little that you would ask, but I'll go with the fact that you are an innocent, single, early-college virgin who is blissfully ignorant about things such as IVF with ICSI, TESE, and you've probably never even heard of azoospermia!
First time I've gotten that comment in a looooong time. (The only other time someone has point-blank asked me if I was pregnant, it was a teenager just bursting at the seams to tell me that she WAS). It stings. Well, not so much stings as feels like she just hit a deep bruise. Like a massive bruise that never goes away. Please tell me it will eventually go away??????
I'm dealing... I have my moments. If I'm totally honest, I haven't made a habit of imagining myself pregnant in forever; even before marriage, adoption was the way I pictured it. Very occassionally, I will stick out my belly and "pretend" for a few minutes, or while I'm laying on the couch, I'll put my hand on my belly in the way I've seen expecting mothers do. I did that today, for the first time since I can't remember when.
We've been talking about DI, but I just don't know. I'm trying to do my research.
Today, I went to church with older sis and family. Where we sat 2 rows behind a set of triplets that will be turning 1 next month, 1 row in front of a 5-month-old, and across from a child who could be a case study for this-kid-should-be-in-foster-care. Preparing for woship takes on a whole new meaning! I'm finding I have to mentally prepare myself for a lot of things -- birthday parties, bridal showers, trips to the store -- pretty much anywhere I might run into pregnant women or babies.
We are close, but so far away.
First time I've gotten that comment in a looooong time. (The only other time someone has point-blank asked me if I was pregnant, it was a teenager just bursting at the seams to tell me that she WAS). It stings. Well, not so much stings as feels like she just hit a deep bruise. Like a massive bruise that never goes away. Please tell me it will eventually go away??????
I'm dealing... I have my moments. If I'm totally honest, I haven't made a habit of imagining myself pregnant in forever; even before marriage, adoption was the way I pictured it. Very occassionally, I will stick out my belly and "pretend" for a few minutes, or while I'm laying on the couch, I'll put my hand on my belly in the way I've seen expecting mothers do. I did that today, for the first time since I can't remember when.
We've been talking about DI, but I just don't know. I'm trying to do my research.
Today, I went to church with older sis and family. Where we sat 2 rows behind a set of triplets that will be turning 1 next month, 1 row in front of a 5-month-old, and across from a child who could be a case study for this-kid-should-be-in-foster-care. Preparing for woship takes on a whole new meaning! I'm finding I have to mentally prepare myself for a lot of things -- birthday parties, bridal showers, trips to the store -- pretty much anywhere I might run into pregnant women or babies.
We are close, but so far away.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
CD 1-4 Really Suck
Day 2, currently, sucks a big one. It could be worse, at least the cramping hasn't had me doubled over this time, but I've definitely had my moments of nearly exploding in anger over little things, or bursting into tears for no apparent reason.
Trying to figure out what to do with this blog... We're not really pursuing any treatments. We have no sperm. It's like we've moved beyond the black hole of infertility, and have been sucked into an even bigger black hole, if that's possible. It's pretty safe to say we're done ttc'ing, though I will still keep up with where I am in my cycle. It's pretty safe to say the world claims there's no hope, but as long as I have ovaries and a uterus and AF continues to show her ugly face, I WILL have some measure of HOPE. Baby showers have sucked for a long time - will they suck more because it's impossible for us to conceive, or less because we'll be pursuing adoption? Haven't really decided how to answer those questions that will no doubt be asked about our apparent lack of fertility as we tell more people about adoption.
So while we're really moving on from infertility, I still anticipate IF-related issues. I imagine as we grow our family through adoption, those issues will decrease; at least 2 older couple in our church adopted without ever giving birth, and seem to not have left-over IF issues, but I wonder if that is because those issues went away, or they just learned to hide them? I guess I just want to know where I belong. I've never really cared about being the most popular or fitting in with the "right" group, but everyone wants to belong somewhere. there just really isn't a group of women readily available who would like to get pregnant but can't, are choosing to adopt rather than try high-end ART, and are okay with not getting pregnant yet not. Especially in this tiny little deep South community, where the term "barefoot and pregnant" is an expected term to describe any young(ish) married female. So, what to do with this little space?
Trying to figure out what to do with this blog... We're not really pursuing any treatments. We have no sperm. It's like we've moved beyond the black hole of infertility, and have been sucked into an even bigger black hole, if that's possible. It's pretty safe to say we're done ttc'ing, though I will still keep up with where I am in my cycle. It's pretty safe to say the world claims there's no hope, but as long as I have ovaries and a uterus and AF continues to show her ugly face, I WILL have some measure of HOPE. Baby showers have sucked for a long time - will they suck more because it's impossible for us to conceive, or less because we'll be pursuing adoption? Haven't really decided how to answer those questions that will no doubt be asked about our apparent lack of fertility as we tell more people about adoption.
So while we're really moving on from infertility, I still anticipate IF-related issues. I imagine as we grow our family through adoption, those issues will decrease; at least 2 older couple in our church adopted without ever giving birth, and seem to not have left-over IF issues, but I wonder if that is because those issues went away, or they just learned to hide them? I guess I just want to know where I belong. I've never really cared about being the most popular or fitting in with the "right" group, but everyone wants to belong somewhere. there just really isn't a group of women readily available who would like to get pregnant but can't, are choosing to adopt rather than try high-end ART, and are okay with not getting pregnant yet not. Especially in this tiny little deep South community, where the term "barefoot and pregnant" is an expected term to describe any young(ish) married female. So, what to do with this little space?
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