Life has been much more peaceful lately. I was trying to log on to my..space to copy most of a message I setnt a friend earlier in the week, but it's taking forever just to log in... Darn dial-up!! That's all we can get out here in the country. Anyway.
I like control. I like to plan. I like to plan because then I can control what is going on.... Or at least that's the way it's **supposed** to be. Lately, God has been teaching me that I don't have to be in charge, I don't have to plan, I don't have to spend my time and energy on the things I've been focused on for so long. (TMI coming!) I don't have to pee on a stick every day of every month to see if I'm ovulating, because God is in control. I don't have to map out an adoption plan for 5 years down the road because God is in control. I don't have to spend hours trying to learn everything there is about adoption and bringing a child home 5 years before I'm even going to need that information (which is really just another way for me to control and plan.. I may not have the kids, but I'll spend my time doing what I can to prepare for them.. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it can become a bad thing when you are using that research time to replace kids.. Anyway, sorry about the psychology tangent hahaha), because God is in control.
That's the main thing we all need to remember, isn't it? That God is in control. Even the most fertile lady in the world can't really control when/if she becomes pregnant. Granted, there are things you can do to prevent pregnancy, and actions you can take to make it more possible, but in the end, none of us really control it. You can read all the reports and studies you want, but in the end, those people don't know your child. A lot is going to change in 5 years on the adoption front, so even if I think I'm doing us a favor by "being prepared," it's probably going to be completely different when we do adopt.
More practical things I can do, and am in the process of doing...
*** Restoring order to my house... You know, finish decorating it, unpack the rest of those boxes that have been in there for more than a year, clean out, get rid of those size 4 clothes that, let's face it, aren't going to ever be on this body again, PUT UP THE CHIRSTMAS DECORATIOONS ALREADY!!!! (Hey, there are just a few out, and I had to buy another container to put them in, and I just remembered to do that last night, okay? Sheesh. Relax...)
*** Starting that infertility support group. When my Grandfather died, I got rather off course while I was taking care of the rest of the family. I have 2 ladies interested currently. I also am probably about to send a card and letter to a third lady in the community who just found out she can't have kids.
*** Continue enjoying our niece and nephews, and helping out our sisters... I was just thinking today about how glad I am that I have been able to be the aunt I always wished I had. My dad's sisters were all too old to be as much fun as we wanted them to be. My mom's sisters were all in high school and college, too busy for their nieces. So we play in the hose pipe and catch lightening bugs... I took 2 of them (ages 4 and 2) to Wal>M?Art with me today to get an oil change, and we drove the buggy around like a crazy driver, and played, and tickled each other, and laughed, and made lots of other people laugh, too. And got bubble guns. And ate a corn dog and chicken. And took naps on the way home. (Well, I didn't nap...)
Anyway... I find myself much more content to just let go of the planning and controlling, and just live in the moment. It is actually a relief to NOT be spending time on making plans and watching the calendar and thinking I am in control... Because actually, I am not in control. And I'm learning to be okay with that. :)