Speaking Up

So we started something new at our church in the new year. We've had a w*m*u program forever (no, really - forever... It's a bap*tist thing, specifically sou*thern, if I'm correct), but it's mainly been an elderly thing for a loooooooong time. It's meant to be a time for the women of the church to gather and focus on missions. We have a growing, thriving women's ministry in our church, that only gets better as more of us get more involved and many of us share the same passions and burdens. Oh, I'm not saying I really "fit in" with the rest of the ladies. I mean, I'm not a mom, so that seperates me from all but one other "grown-up" lady, and she and I are not necessarily taken as "serious grown-ups." Which, granted, we don't really take ourselves extremely seriously, even though we're both in the medical field and dependable grown-ups in every way besides Mommy. I dunno, it's like if you've somehow veered off the expected path of the adult (because, y'know, there's only one path) you are somehow less of an adult, or at least not an adult to be taken seriously. But I digress, hugely!
Where was I? Oh yes. Women. Of all ages. Coming together, with similar minds and hearts and burdens and concerns. We meet once a month. (We have other, more-age-specific activities and Bible studies and classes the other Sunday nights) So the lady "in charge" of getting someone to do the devotion happens to be a 10-ish-year-old girl. One of "my girls," as in one of the girls I teach - one of those constantly hanging on me, wanting to just hang out with me and soaking up all the NotTheMama they can. I LOVE it. And I LOVE these girls! Every one of them! And I'm digressing and rambling again!
So yesterday morning, this girl "A" told me she forgot to ask someone to do the devo, and would I pleasepleasepleasePRETTYPLEEEEEEEEASE do it on short notice? Ha. Maybe she knows that my best lessons and classroom ideas are never planned, but things I pull out of the air at the last minute. Or maybe it's more that God takes pity on me and knows if I planned and made notes, I would be second guessing those notes, get all nervous, and not really say what I should anyway. As I digress again.
So I'm very comfortable and used to teaching kids. Give me one or 100 babies-to-teenagers, for 5 minutes or 3 hours, and all will be entertained and learning something. Adults, on the other hand, that's a whole other can of worms! We're talking moms of the kids I teach, and their moms, and THEIR moms! Some of these women remember when MY DAD was born!!!! That was more than 60 years ago! To say I feel underqualified would be a huge understatement.
What do you speak about when your audience goes from age 5-85? You speak what is on your heart. What is constantly and forever on my heart? Orphans. My babies. The "least of these" are my babies. I read a couple of scriptures that talk about God adopting us as sons (Ephesians 1:5 and Romans 8:15) So I asked several kids and adults what an orphan looks like. I got answers like dirty, poor, etc. Then I mentioned several orphans in the Bible - Moses, Esther, Samuel. Jesus. Me and you before we became believers. Adoption - a perfect picture of what God did when He chose me to be His child. And I finished with James 1:27 - pure and undefiled religion is to care for orphans and widows - and that it doesn't just mean adopting literal orphans... We're also supposed to love and care for ALL of the "least of these," including the smelly kid at school, to the grown-up every one else tries to avoid.
Which worked out wonderfully well, as the big topic of discussion was beginning a food ministry. To serve those who need food, for whatever reason - from too poor to too busy to too sad - and minister to them and/or bring them to God.
I have received lots of compliments and "we're praying for you"'s and such. I was told I was very confident by one, and "I could never get up and share my heart like that" by another. Honestly, I never saw myself doing that, either, but I can only say it was a God-thing. The oldest lady in the church choked back tears as she told me she was praying for me, and said she's been meaning to call my mom and tell her how proud they all are of me, and what a great job my parents did raising me. I say that not to brag about myself, but to say look what God is doing! Oh if you only knew how far God has brought me! Truly from despair and depression and thoughts of su*ic*ide, to THIS. What a might God we serve!
There's quite the paradox developing... The closer we get to putting faces on these children, the harder it gets to not have them with me; but it gets easier and easier to talk about them, to tell other people about them, to share with the world how God has revealed to us He would grow our family.
I feel like I'm transitioning into a "real" grown-up. And I'm doing so among a number of women who encourage and support me, and are sososo excited about God's plan - not only for my family, but also for our women's ministry, our church, and our community.I'm so blessed to have been planted in this community at birth, and this body of believers as a young adult. I cannot wait until he plants some young babes in my care, under these ladies!

It's Noon on Saturday...

... And I'm still laying in bed. I woke up and read for a while, then fell asleep again. The only reason I'm getting up now is b/c I'm starving.
You see, there ARE advantages to **not** hearing the pitter-patter of little feet early in the AM!

Wait. No. Not yet.

Wait. No. Not yet. I'm weary of hearing those words. I'm ready for green lights and go aheads. My sister sings this song that says when God says no, there must be a greater yes. I'm trying to wait patiently, and be content with where we are right now, and serve Him while I'm waiting.
Right now, though? Right now I just want a week off. To rest, relax, and just BE.
It's been a weird week.

My Biggest Fears

Because there are some things going on right now that I don't want to blog about until I can wrap my head around them... Because I haven't even talked to my husband yet... Because I know I'll just write-freak-delete-repeat... Because maybe writing about this will get my mind off writing about that... Let me tell you my biggest fears. Doesn't that sound like FUN?!?
Being alone. I don't mean just like for a few hours (I usually love that, and *need* my alone time). I play out life scenarios in my head (control issues, much?), and in one of those, we never made the adoption thing happen, hubby died, and I ended up an old maid all alone. My nieces and nephews were busy with their own families. In my line of work, I do see that a lot. And any time I read an obituary or hear about a local person like that, it scares me. We have several widows in our church, and a couple never had children, or their children and families don't come around much.
I'm afraid to not be needed. I like to take care of people, but I also NEED to do that. I guess it makes me feel needed? Granted, there are times I feel *too* needed, but what if one day, nobody needs Aunt NotTheMama for anything?
But that's not what I really wanted to say tonight. It's been a strange couple of days. I'm having trouble remembering some dates, I have no clue what is going on in certain areas of my life, and I'm on the proverbial roller coaster. I did something yesterday I never thought I would do, and got results that I half expected, but reacted totally different than I ever imagined. It's nothing bad, but I'm just not ready to really mention it.
More to come....

Everyone is in agreement

There has been a common theme over the last week or so. At first I dismissed it as my crazy infertile thoughts in overdrive. I attributed it to announcement, after announcement, after announcement. But it's not just in my head anymore....
His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. Nothing is impossible with God. He makes the impossible, possible.
And tonight, without knowing the thoughts that have been running rampant in my mind, without me mentioning anything beyond adoption, a church friend felt it. She prayed for us. In the parking lot, with just a few close friends. A prayer in faith. If God could raise dead bodies and give them life again, and we all believe He did, He could correct whatever problems we have. She prayed for whatever adoption plans God has for us, too, and prayed for God to grow our family in whatever way He sees best.
I've started lots of posts about what a bad infertile I am, because I don't remember where I am in this cycle. Then I decide I'm being ridiculous and delete them. We definitely haven't been truly ttc. It hasn't even been a thought, we haven't even entertained the notion of temp charting or perfect timing or counting the days.
For the first time in a long time, I want to hope. I want to believe. But do I dare? My body seems to be pointing towards CD1 within a day or two, but what if I'm wrong? It's dangerous ground, this hope, and it's easy to get caught in a (21-28) day cycle of hope and despair. But maybe it's different this time. Maybe God is not wanting me to try, try, try. Maybe He simply wants me to trust, trust, trust. If I wake up to CD1 in the morning, maybe I'm just supposed to do as my favorite verses say, and remain joyous in the Lord. Even if the fig tree doesn't bud. Even if there are no grapes on the vines, the olive crop fails, there's no food in the fields, no sheep in the pen or cattle in the stalls. Even if this egg doesn't bud into an embryo. Even if there are no sperm. Even if there is a pregnancy and it fails. Even though there's no bun in the oven, no babies in the beds, and the house remains quiet and toy-free. I'm still supposed to have my joy. Why? Because the Sovereign Lord is my strength. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights.

In My Dreams...

Have I told you that I sometimes dream of my children? I don't get to see their faces, but it's so precious.
Last night I had another one. It was really weird, because we were on our church bus, pulling into the parking lot of another local church, when our pastor caused a chain-reaction massive wreck (even though we were barely moving? lol dreams are weird)
So they were removing bodies (massiven indeed! People DIED!!!), cleaning up debris, etc, and this 3-or-4-year-old little boy was wandering around looking for his mommy. He was so so sad, and understandably so. There was discussion of did she die in the crash, or did she drop him off before the crash, because she couldn't take care of him. So she was dead, or had abandoned him. I looked in the ditch for her body, in case they missed it since it was dark, but it was finallly decided she abandoned him.
This time I couldn't see his face because it was dark, but I DID GET TO HOLD MY BABY!!!!! (!!!) I was trying to console him as he just cried and cried. He told me he missed his mommy, and I told him "I know, baby, I know. And that's okay, it's understandable!" He said he "just wanted to go home," and I told him something about how there's no place more comfortable, no place you feel like you can really relax, except for home. He told me he wanted to go back to his first home, with his mommy. I told him he couldn't do that, but I promised him I would take very good care of him and love him so so much forever and always.
I love these dreams, and cherish every God-given dream I have. I am thankful He gives me glimpses of my babies, if only in my dreams for now, and I truly believe He has given them special angels to watch over them until Mama can hold them for real.
Hold tight, little dudes. Mama will be there as soon as it's time!

Plugging along

We're just pluggin' along here. Baby Niece is doing great, no more blueness, chubby little cheeks, actually cried to be put down tonight! Love that little girl, even though her brother says I can't! ;)
Weird dreams abound, not sure what that craziness is all about... Stress? Too tired? Random occurence? Oh well.
We need to clean out a closet, so we can figure out how to turn the hot water heater down a little. And find our list to make sure that's all we like, and schedule the final visit!
It's strange... We've spent the last few years with adoption being this far-off thing that happened to other people - and now, here we are - thinking in months instead of years! Totally weird to think that I could need mat*ernity leave this calendar year!
Final thought: the closer we get, the more I miss them; my quiet house and lack of toys in the floor grates on my nerves more now than ever.