Saturday, January 24, 2009

To Blog, or Not to Blog?

Ugh... It seems that NOT blogging is NOT really working for me. Hubby and I don't really discuss our IF issues a lot, and I don't really talk a lot about it with anyone else, either. Sure, there are occassional conversations at work, and bits and pieces of conversation with my mom, sisters, and sister-in-law (m-i-l and I usually don't discuss it) between playing with kids.... So it's like my blog is the place where I get it all out. I don't really care if anyone (or nobody at all) reads it.
I spent the night with my older sis last night (her hubby was deer hunting), and got up with the baby this morning so she could sleep. (The other 2 were snoozing on with their mommy) I was trying to read some blogs on my phone, because it was just one of those nights when I needed to hear from someone who understood. I forget what blog I was reading, but the author talked about being in the dark and how we all need that time in the dark. I've tried to pretend I wasn't in the dark... I've tried to make myself think I was doing okay... I've tried to make it appear to the outside world that I'm not ready for kids, don't have time for kids of my own, don't want kids of my own yet, am not trying yet, have no plans to try any time soon, and am completely happy with just being the aunt. The "fun" aunt that everybody wants to play with. Which, don't get me wrong, I AM exactly that aunt, even to kids who are not really my nieces and nephews.
But I would rather stop pretending. If I was fine, I would be singing in the choir. If I was fine, I'd be happy to get together with people from church and not dodging their questions. If I was fine, I wouldn't tear up every time my sister-in-law asks me something about why I'm not singing anymore or if I will join the new "choir" of a few. If I was fine, I wouldn't be holding back the tears, afraid that onc eI start I won't be able to stop. If I was fine, I wouldn't be trying to hold it together in W*l M*rt while the teenagers in front of me were discussing fertility and buying pregnancy tests, you know, "for a friend!" If I was fine... I'M NOT FINE!!!!!!! I'm a complete and total MESS... I want people to KNOW that I. Am. Not. Fine. Not okay. Not good. Not happy-to-be-just-the-aunt.
There's a relatively new couple @ church. I'm pretty sure the lady and I have shared that I-know-you're-inferile-too-glance when I was picking up and loving on one of my nephews. I'm pretty sure I've seen her face fall when a new mama walked in and sat right in front of her, and I'm pretty sure I've seen her husband give her that reassuring glance. Or maybe they really are waiting until she's done with pa school, so of course I'm not going to bring it up.
Have I mentioned that all it takes to get pregnant is to become my friend or talk to me about how you're not pregnant?
Baby shower in February. Hubby's cousin, who told us she and her hubby couldn't go to an amusement park because she had a stomach virus on Friday, and then called on Monday to make her big announcement. Sister-in-law asked me if it would be easier for me if we went in together on a gift, so I wouldn't have to go shopping. Made me want to cry just because she is sensitive enough to ask. Made me want to cry because she had a reason to ask. Made me want to cry because I would really like to go shopping myself (I know I'm gonna love this baby girl when she gets here, and I know I'll go see her in the hospital and be fine until we leave). Made me want to cry because I don't know if I'll feel prepared to do taht kind of shopping within a month. I have to be in the right frame of mind, and it has to be something I'm prepared to do. I can't just grab a gift while I'm out. Sigh.....
As scattered as this post is.... If anybody is reading, know this... This is a dark time. I'm going to pour my heart out on this blog, and it's not going to be uplifting, or pretty, or fun. I may whine. I may sound angry. I may be wallowing. But I'm tired of pretending everything's okay, when that is just not so. But this is my place to let it all out, and that's exactly what I'll be doing for a while.

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