Monday, January 23, 2012

I need a new space...

I've been thinking... And I feel like it's time for a move. Infertility is no longer full of insanity. I am less NotTheMama, and more the Childless Mama, waiting for her children to come home. It was a rough few years... I definitely had my moments, good and bad, but IF no longer defines me. We didn't try every procedure, or even any to be exact. In fact, as far as deliberately trying to conceive, it has been a rather half-hearted attempt at best! Sure, I did some temp charting, kept up with the calendar pretty accurately, and we did at least check into our options for ART. That one appointment we actually kept, was enough. The solutions I researched beforehand confirmed to be our only options, and we were okay with cancelling subsequent appointments.
This has been a good, mostly anonymous space to vent my frustrations, fears, and grief. I was able to say what I needed to say, mostly without fear of being judged... I happen to be one who mostly tries to be careful not to hurt the feelings of friends and family, to a fault, and this blog was an outlet to say things I needed to get out, that I would never have actually said***to*** them.
Where did this come from? I think it is a combination of several factors. Several of the blogs I started out reading have closed, so at first, I wondered if it was just that uncomfortable everyone-else-is-doing-it-Ness. Then it didn't go away. A big factor is that I have reached a huge amount of IF closure. We will always be infertile; I will never carry a child in my body; I have accepted this. Sure, there are still sad moments... But they are just that - moments, exceptions to the norm. I suspect that I will continue to feel uncomfortable at baby showers, but perhaps after our children come home, I will once again find myself enjoying them. I feel like if there was a shower I really needed to attend, I could do so without hiding out in the bathroom, and without over-eating just to keep my hands and mouth busy. I'm not saying all things infertile are perfect, but I'm definitely in a much better place.
Perhaps the biggest reason is my children. I wouldn't want them to come here and read the bitter, pain-filled posts I know are there. I'm no longer that person. I would want them to know that they are my first choice, not a last resort. I would also want them to know that I fully grieved what could never be, before and while I prepared for what was to come. My former pain is not theirs to shoulder. It's time to focus my attention on getting ready for them to come home, it's time to prepare to be TheMama.
And so it ends... It feels like that last night of my summer camp job. Everything is packed up, cleaned out, ready for the next staffer to move in. You've got my email adress, or you can leave a comment (promise I will check back). It's been a good few years, and hard, and made easier by your comments and thoughts. Now it is time to turn out the lights, take a final look around, and drive away, knowing I'll miss the comfortable familiarity of this space, but ready to move on to the next blog.
Which, by the way, has yet to be named or claimed. Guess I will come back for an encore to let ya know where I've moved!

1 comment:

Michele said...

Good luck, and congratulations on this step into somewhere new.