I've thought about just shutting it down. I'm done with being the ranting, raving, grieving, crying, left-out-feeling infertile, barren woman. I'm tired of focusing on what I *can't* do (make babies), and want to instead focus on what I *CAN* do (long list, including be the best aunt ever and prepare my house for "one day" when it does need to be child-proof)....
I don't want to just get rid of everything... That whole you never know when your blog just might actually help someone thing.... And if it's still here, I can come back and re-visit the places I have been.... And as much as I would like to just be finished with the whole IF world, I'm just not quite there. When I finally got rid of a migraine tonight, instead of going to bed, I started scrubbing the tub -- unplanned physical labor usually means I'm trying to avoid my own thoughts. Usually something like tub-scrubbing is a planned cleaning activity. So I was scrubbing (something that actually requires less activity and time since I discovered the magic eras*r and only use the scr%bbing bu*bles for the bath mat now!) and thinking... Duh, mother's day is coming up... And even though I'm more at peace with IF and trying to focus less on I'm-not-a-mama and more on I-will-be-a-great-one-sometime-in-the-future, that's still a hard one. I'm not one for skipping church -- even with a busting migraine that should put me in bed, I still go -- but for the first time on that holiday, I'm probably staying home. Baby dedications are always that Sunday at our church, and there are triplets at my sister's church to be born any day now, and my other sister's church is full of babies.
So.... I'm wanting to focus on the good things, the positives. That's not really what this blog has been about, but I'm trying to get there. I guess it's kind of a transition-mode, but I started a new blog that is open to our friends and family, for the adoption part of our lives. battlesforadoption(dot)blogspot(dot)com, if you're interested. So what should I do with this blog? Suggestions appreciated.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tennis elbow flare-up, warmer weather, and work, oh my!!
So none are really related to each other... Well, maybe the tennis elbow kind of ties them all up in a not-so-pretty package, like getting underwear for Christmas. But ya know....
Old softball injury... How 'bout I just read somewhere that this problem usually affects people like more than 30 years older than myself. Okay, it mentioned people in their 30's, too, but it was the upper 30's and I'm on the down-hill slope of the 20's. I don't know if it's the rainy weather, or holding the baby nephew while I took a nap, or the massive amount of pills I've been packing @ work recently, or just because I'm old. But it hurts, thus no bloggage.
Warmer weather equals less computer time, because I'm outside playing with nephews/niece; playing with hubby; playing with a friend; or playing by myself. So when it's dark, I have to clean. Or sleep. Thus, no bloggage.
Work has been a %$#@& this week. I'm not supposed to be the driver anymore, but ever afternoon I've been making deliveries this week. And it's not stopping tomorrow. The good news is, I've just been popping in the P&W cd's and trying to sit back and enjoy the ride. We're hiring another driver in the next week or two, so the current driver can make local deliveries and the new one can make the long-distance trips. And I can stay in the pharmacy and get more tennis elbow, but I'll take it, because I don't really have time to drive all over creation. I've been getting in 2-4 hours later than usual. Thus no bloggage.
Going to eat supper, take some NSA!D$, and go to bed. Tomorrow's fun includes being @ work early, making deliveries again, going to a minor league baseball game. Saturday looks like yard-saleing, 5-year-old b-day party, and baby-sitting the night away. Sunday looks like church, lunch, big fat nap, more church, eating with friends, and collapsing in bed.
More to come, some time.
Old softball injury... How 'bout I just read somewhere that this problem usually affects people like more than 30 years older than myself. Okay, it mentioned people in their 30's, too, but it was the upper 30's and I'm on the down-hill slope of the 20's. I don't know if it's the rainy weather, or holding the baby nephew while I took a nap, or the massive amount of pills I've been packing @ work recently, or just because I'm old. But it hurts, thus no bloggage.
Warmer weather equals less computer time, because I'm outside playing with nephews/niece; playing with hubby; playing with a friend; or playing by myself. So when it's dark, I have to clean. Or sleep. Thus, no bloggage.
Work has been a %$#@& this week. I'm not supposed to be the driver anymore, but ever afternoon I've been making deliveries this week. And it's not stopping tomorrow. The good news is, I've just been popping in the P&W cd's and trying to sit back and enjoy the ride. We're hiring another driver in the next week or two, so the current driver can make local deliveries and the new one can make the long-distance trips. And I can stay in the pharmacy and get more tennis elbow, but I'll take it, because I don't really have time to drive all over creation. I've been getting in 2-4 hours later than usual. Thus no bloggage.
Going to eat supper, take some NSA!D$, and go to bed. Tomorrow's fun includes being @ work early, making deliveries again, going to a minor league baseball game. Saturday looks like yard-saleing, 5-year-old b-day party, and baby-sitting the night away. Sunday looks like church, lunch, big fat nap, more church, eating with friends, and collapsing in bed.
More to come, some time.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Temporarily on Pause
I feel like someone has stepped into my life and hit the Pause button. I guess it's the combination of a migraine since waking up Saturday, the ending of a holiday weekend, not really knowing where we're going next with the possibility of fostering, maybe some other stuff that's not front-and-center on my mind right now?? I NEED to be up and cleaning house. Especially, if, you know, there's a social worker coming sometime to be determined. Please understand... My house is NOT nasty, the most important things stay relatively clean most of the time. However, child-proof, it is not. Social-worker ready, it is not. Any-company-besides-hubby-and-I-ready, it is not. And a friend is probably stopping by later this week. I should be cleaning off the table, finishing the laundry I have no problem starting, getting our bedroom back in shape by hanging up and putting away clothes. The spare bedroom we use as storage space needs to be cleaned out, straightened, and we need a major yard sale. I really would like new shades/blinds/curtains/something, but for now, the blinds we have need to be cleaned.
Instead, I sit here in front of the computer, sometimes checking out a few blogs, sometimes just staring blankly at the screen. I need to make a post on my other, newer blog that is supposed to be weekly. I click over there, though, and stare again. I have no idea where to go next, because we don't really know where we're going next! I have lots of posts in my head, but which one should come next? I should go take a walk, but I sit here frozen in place instead. It's gotta be all the goings-on recently.
Like Easter, spent with my family for lunch and his for dinner. I did great most of the day. I was glad that I decided NOT to go up and sing with a little group we have going on, because I wouldn't have maintained composure if I'd tried to sing. I was trying to decide if I was going to puke from my migraine, and didn't want to have to run off stage because of that. Anyway. I was basically fine until we got home. We walked in to an empty, quiet house. There are times I enjoy my quiet house, like in the mornings when I can kind of think and plan my day and focus only on a calm start to my usually-frazzled day. This morning, though, I didn't even want that. The quiet got on my nerves.
Like the migraine from Hades. I usually have 2-3 a month, but every few months I get like I am currently. Horrendous migraine that eventually takes over my entire head, and lasts for DAYS. Oh, it comes and goes, but mostly, it just stays and stays and STAYS. And sometimes regardless of how long it has been around, the day after it ends or maybe a little bit before if it's a multi-day one, I get a little spacey. Staring into space, can't think straight, focus is out the window for sure. I'm hoping this is the light at the end of the tunnel for this migraine.
Like the fostering thing... I'm leaning more towards than away, not sure about hubby, because he's been working late. He wonders if I can handle it when the kids go back to their home environment; I say I can't stand this house to be so quiet and empty of children for another 2 years at least. I need someone to take care of. Sure, I get my niece or nephews and their moms know they won't have to do a thing if I'm around, but I want one or two in MY HOUSE that are MY RESPONSIBILITY. I am such a mother hen, and well, hubby kind of looks at me funny if I try to cut up his steak. We need to make a final decision and go with it.
And speaking of hubby's job... He is (possibly) moving to another office (somehwere)... He was offered a job closer to home (20-30 minute drive compared to an hour, and as close to home as you can get when you live out in the sticks), they said he was who they wanted for the job, he'd be great there, blah blah blah... That was Friday morning. They wanted an answer by Friday afternoon, and he would start Monday. Then Friday afternoon, they called and said no, we want you to take the job in another office (for a little less money than the first offer, but conveniently within walking distance of MY office!) and start next week. So he decided to take the second offer. Yesterday, they came back and said he could have the first offer, because the other lady turned it down. He couldn't be out of his current office yesterday, because he had to write up and fire someone. He found out yesterday that at least through this week, he will be at his current office, and isn't really sure where he is going next. Close to me would be great -- we could car pool most days, save some money there, and we've always worked so far apart, it would just be grand to be that close.
So. I'm gonna try to shake off this fog, do some cleaning, ponder my next adoption blog post, and maybe we'll see how that goes.
Instead, I sit here in front of the computer, sometimes checking out a few blogs, sometimes just staring blankly at the screen. I need to make a post on my other, newer blog that is supposed to be weekly. I click over there, though, and stare again. I have no idea where to go next, because we don't really know where we're going next! I have lots of posts in my head, but which one should come next? I should go take a walk, but I sit here frozen in place instead. It's gotta be all the goings-on recently.
Like Easter, spent with my family for lunch and his for dinner. I did great most of the day. I was glad that I decided NOT to go up and sing with a little group we have going on, because I wouldn't have maintained composure if I'd tried to sing. I was trying to decide if I was going to puke from my migraine, and didn't want to have to run off stage because of that. Anyway. I was basically fine until we got home. We walked in to an empty, quiet house. There are times I enjoy my quiet house, like in the mornings when I can kind of think and plan my day and focus only on a calm start to my usually-frazzled day. This morning, though, I didn't even want that. The quiet got on my nerves.
Like the migraine from Hades. I usually have 2-3 a month, but every few months I get like I am currently. Horrendous migraine that eventually takes over my entire head, and lasts for DAYS. Oh, it comes and goes, but mostly, it just stays and stays and STAYS. And sometimes regardless of how long it has been around, the day after it ends or maybe a little bit before if it's a multi-day one, I get a little spacey. Staring into space, can't think straight, focus is out the window for sure. I'm hoping this is the light at the end of the tunnel for this migraine.
Like the fostering thing... I'm leaning more towards than away, not sure about hubby, because he's been working late. He wonders if I can handle it when the kids go back to their home environment; I say I can't stand this house to be so quiet and empty of children for another 2 years at least. I need someone to take care of. Sure, I get my niece or nephews and their moms know they won't have to do a thing if I'm around, but I want one or two in MY HOUSE that are MY RESPONSIBILITY. I am such a mother hen, and well, hubby kind of looks at me funny if I try to cut up his steak. We need to make a final decision and go with it.
And speaking of hubby's job... He is (possibly) moving to another office (somehwere)... He was offered a job closer to home (20-30 minute drive compared to an hour, and as close to home as you can get when you live out in the sticks), they said he was who they wanted for the job, he'd be great there, blah blah blah... That was Friday morning. They wanted an answer by Friday afternoon, and he would start Monday. Then Friday afternoon, they called and said no, we want you to take the job in another office (for a little less money than the first offer, but conveniently within walking distance of MY office!) and start next week. So he decided to take the second offer. Yesterday, they came back and said he could have the first offer, because the other lady turned it down. He couldn't be out of his current office yesterday, because he had to write up and fire someone. He found out yesterday that at least through this week, he will be at his current office, and isn't really sure where he is going next. Close to me would be great -- we could car pool most days, save some money there, and we've always worked so far apart, it would just be grand to be that close.
So. I'm gonna try to shake off this fog, do some cleaning, ponder my next adoption blog post, and maybe we'll see how that goes.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
It all started with escaping a little bee sting.....
I've been quiet, because I didn't have anything good (positive) to say. :) My car is on the fritz more so than it was... I almost didn't make it to my sister's house across the mountain Saturday. So hubby and his dad go pick up my car to "tinker" with it (made me reallllllly nervous. I want MY DADDY to fix things! Some things never change, huh?) ;) On their way home, hubby's truck starts making some weird noise. It's in the shop. It could cost a couple hundred, or a couple thousand to get it fixed, depending on whether or not the motor has to be removed. Add in a $600 dentist bill (and that's just the remaining balance), unknown amount on my car, I actually just need a NEW car that we've been looking at, a credit card bill that we would really like to see paid off SOON, the satellite we just "had" to have, and probably some other things I'm forgetting, and you end up with lots of arguing and me spending one night one the couch. And AF showed up Monday. Just to make things easier and me happier.
But it's getting better. AF is gone. We're sleeping in the same bed and speaking nicely to each other again. It all started with a pesky little bee. Well, we started playing nice before that but... I'm getting gas yesterday after work. Something buzzes past me and lands on my back. I ignore it, then think "What if it's a bee?" I shake my shirt a little and.... The unknown insect goes down my pants!!! I can't rid myself of the pants outside. I don't want to sit down. So I get in the SUV (driving my mom's) and can feel it, careful not to sit on that side. I shake my pants and do a little dance, and it finally flies/falls out the leg. It IS a BEE!!!!! To which I am ALLERGIC!!!! And it didn't sting me. Amazing. I'm guessing God knew I couldn't handle anymore bad, so he gave me some relief.
Hubby called me today. While he was at work. This does NOT happen. I call him. He was offered a job in a different office, a considerable promotion at a larger branch. Much closer to home. 55 miles to 19 miles away is pretty good. The pay increase solves the issue of whether or not I should take on a second job or try to find a better-paying one. Praise the Lord, God is good!! I was feeling a little (okay, a LOT) defeated -- just when I thought I had kicked IF in the booty and was handling things nicely, satan decided to mess with our finances. Then God kicked HIM in the booty and said "You can't mess with them!" I shall celebrate by cooking breakfast for supper (bacon, eggs, biscuits, and homemade gravy, baby!), and cleaning the tub. We really know how to celebrate around here. :)
But it's getting better. AF is gone. We're sleeping in the same bed and speaking nicely to each other again. It all started with a pesky little bee. Well, we started playing nice before that but... I'm getting gas yesterday after work. Something buzzes past me and lands on my back. I ignore it, then think "What if it's a bee?" I shake my shirt a little and.... The unknown insect goes down my pants!!! I can't rid myself of the pants outside. I don't want to sit down. So I get in the SUV (driving my mom's) and can feel it, careful not to sit on that side. I shake my pants and do a little dance, and it finally flies/falls out the leg. It IS a BEE!!!!! To which I am ALLERGIC!!!! And it didn't sting me. Amazing. I'm guessing God knew I couldn't handle anymore bad, so he gave me some relief.
Hubby called me today. While he was at work. This does NOT happen. I call him. He was offered a job in a different office, a considerable promotion at a larger branch. Much closer to home. 55 miles to 19 miles away is pretty good. The pay increase solves the issue of whether or not I should take on a second job or try to find a better-paying one. Praise the Lord, God is good!! I was feeling a little (okay, a LOT) defeated -- just when I thought I had kicked IF in the booty and was handling things nicely, satan decided to mess with our finances. Then God kicked HIM in the booty and said "You can't mess with them!" I shall celebrate by cooking breakfast for supper (bacon, eggs, biscuits, and homemade gravy, baby!), and cleaning the tub. We really know how to celebrate around here. :)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Wishing Dr G00gle was a little more clear.....
Sigh... And he's such a good doctor, huh? The only one in my life right now. I'm very loyal. (Or chicken?) Let's see... Since it's nearing 2am, we'll just say AF is supposedly 6 days away. Could be any time now, really. (Warning: TMI on the way) The girls have been VERY sore for a few days now. Like more sore than usual, and for more days than usual. I don't dare speak the "p" word, though. Not out loud. Cool trick, huh? Tired as usual, but then again, I haven't been getting a lot of sleep this week. Lower back pain more than normal for the time of the month. Not really nauseous per se, but definitely feel like I could puke early in the morning and late at night. I've been asked by more than 1 person why I've been getting so moody, and I've noticed it myself. Dr G00gle couldn't really seem to make his mind up. I could be, I could not be. But one things for sure. The girls are killin' me. Warned ya about the TMI.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Baby's here, it's all good...
Whew. I've been wanting to post, but this is the first time I've sat down all week! The baby was born yesterday, healthy, everything's good... We went to see them last night, and I was okay. More than okay. No tears, and that full bladder I had for a valid excuse, was not needed. I **could** have cried, if I'd really wanted to, but I was fine. I thought to myself that our child-aquiring would look way different, but that's okay. I'm not gonna spend 3 days in the hospital, the only physical recovery for me will be jet lag, people will come to the airport instead of the hospital, and that's perfectly fine. I'm confident we're gonna get a baby one day. This is a good place that God has brought me to. I'm hoping I can hang out here for the duration of our wait. :)
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