Sunday, January 20, 2008

I know, I know.... I think this every month... But I had been more tired than usual, I mean going to bed at 8:30 -- I NEVER go to bed that early. I felt like I was going to puke on several consecutive mornings.... I was adding up the days.... Then got a surprise on Saturday. Not a good one, either. I know this will sound weird to some, but God gave me a name a week or two ago, that I thought would be used soon. I haven't told anyone, I haven't said aanything to even J, but I was thinking maybe this was the time and all that jazz....
I've heard about women's arms literally aching to hold a baby. Now, I have some nerve damage in my left arm that surgery and PT didn't really fix, and I have occassional problems with tendonitis in that same arm, but tonight I felt.. and feel... an ache that's not nerve-related and has nothing to do with tendonitis. Maybe it's the disappointment and not letting anyone know I felt that way, because nobody knew how much I was hoping and expecting... Maybe it's got something to do with church tonight. We went to a former pastor's church to hear a former f00tball player from UA preach. The former pastor's daughter, who is young-college-aged (don't know exactly) was in the hospital recovering from a C-secti0n. (We didn't even know she was pregnant) Unplanned, unexpected, but former pastor was very excited and said that God has really blessed them through her "mistakes".... I KNEW I should've taken more Mid0l!!!!!!!!!!
Then I look at some old SS friends, C and A. They deserve nothing but a good, happy, easy life together, and they are preparing for their daughter's death even before she's born. I think of more friends from CFA, the A. family. One of their twin daughters just finished with major brain surgery, chemo, etc, and have so far had 1 good test result, have claimed total healing for their daughter, but still live with the reality that the kind of cancer she has is very aggressive and could come back at any time. I think of my own sister, who lost her seemingly perfect little one during the summer, and had to tell her 3-year-old son that his baby brother died. And sat there and comforted him when he poked out his little lip and said "But I wanted to hold him... I didn't want him to go to heaven yet..!"
I think sometimes that I would give anything to hold my child in my arms. On the way home, it was kind of lonely. My older sister and her hubby and 2 boys had asked if we wanted to go to taht church service with them, so we went and then went out to eat. The youngest was soooo sweet during church I was holding him, and he leaned over and laid his head on J and said "I wuv you, J" nobody prompted him. He's 20 months old. I played with both of those kids, of course got them some ice cream like the good, fun aunt I am, then we got in the truck by ourselves, just the two of us, and drove home.... I think I heard J snoring already. There are times I enjoy my peace and quiet, but sometimes our house is TOO quiet. I want to rock our baby to sleep. I want to have fun bath times. I want to have trouble finding time to read just one chapter instead of making myself turn off the light after several chapters. I want to clean up messy little hands and dirty faces. Heck, right now, I would love it if I was gagging my way through my own child's dirty diapers. I love being the fun aunt, I really do, and I thought it was hilarious when niece told me we couldn't have kids until she was older, because then we would be too busy playing with our own children to play with her and her little brother... I love being the "rescue hero" for my niece and nephews, but I want my own little one.
Sorry for the scattered thoughts, this is just where I am tonight.

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