Really, so much to be thankful for. The usual- God, family, friends, a job, a house, my car has been repaired and we will pick it up this weekend, our relatively good health, etc.
It's bittersweet. I pray that my children are fast asleep somewhere safe, or perhaps peacefully in bed, falling asleep to the comforting sounds of their foster mother bustling around the kitchen. I pray that next Thanksgiving Eve, I'm busy taking little ones back to bed, that next Thanksgiving morning I am snuggled on the couch with them, watching the parade on tv in our pajamas.
I'm thankful we're as far along as we are- took a fellow blogger's advice and we called the state ourselves to see where we are in the process. We're so close, and will find out exactly "where" we stand sometime next week.
I really am thankful. I left work, ran to the store to get the last 2 items, went to choir practice, and hubby washed dishes for me when we got home. I have 6 (or was it 7?) casseroles assembled in the fridge, ready to throw in the oven, 1 pan of brownies and pasta salad ready. Great family, awesome friends... How many people are so loved they are pulled in 4 directions for 2 meals? I mean, if that's our problem for tomorrow, what is there to complain about?
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Perspective
Hubby and I went to clean out my car tonight. Last night, after hearing it might be totaled, I was rather frustrated. I was happy with my car, we are still paying for it, and our goal was to pay it off, then buy hubby a truck. Having only 1 vehicle payment is a lot nicer than 2... Working out logistics for 2 working people and 1 car stinks.
Tonight, I have a new perspective. I didn't realize just how bad it was. Had we been going any faster at all, I might have had the whole windshield in my lap, not just tiny fragments. Our repairman said it hit closer to the roof, rather than full-on windshield, and that kept the deer from coming in on me. He also said the airbags should have deployed- which would have meant more injuries for us both. Hubby had a bottle of water up to his mouth on impact, and I was reading something on my phone.
Less than a year ago, we buried my uncle after a horrific crash. We spent several days at the hospital with him. That smell, those memories... Wow.
My hubby helped me clean out my car - not the clothes from our room. I have a cut on my pinkie that isn't looking so great - not multiple broken bones. Last night, my mom baked my birthday cake - instead of someone bringing her food to the hospital and making her eat it. I cleaned out my fridge tonight - instead of laying in bed (or worse) and letting someone else do it.
It truly is all about perspective.
Tonight, I have a new perspective. I didn't realize just how bad it was. Had we been going any faster at all, I might have had the whole windshield in my lap, not just tiny fragments. Our repairman said it hit closer to the roof, rather than full-on windshield, and that kept the deer from coming in on me. He also said the airbags should have deployed- which would have meant more injuries for us both. Hubby had a bottle of water up to his mouth on impact, and I was reading something on my phone.
Less than a year ago, we buried my uncle after a horrific crash. We spent several days at the hospital with him. That smell, those memories... Wow.
My hubby helped me clean out my car - not the clothes from our room. I have a cut on my pinkie that isn't looking so great - not multiple broken bones. Last night, my mom baked my birthday cake - instead of someone bringing her food to the hospital and making her eat it. I cleaned out my fridge tonight - instead of laying in bed (or worse) and letting someone else do it.
It truly is all about perspective.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Oh, Deer!
I turned 30 today. Just so happens, it was also Season Pass Appreciation Day at S*ix Fl*ags. Hubby and I loaded up late last night and drove over, so I could both sleep late, and enjoy the day.
As we stepped in line for our second roller coaster, and walked right up to the loading dock, I thought, "I want to turn 30 every year!" Rather chilly, but so awesome to not wait in line for 1-2 hours. They closed at 6, so we were gonna grab some supper and get in early. Some g*oogling and gps'ing was taking us to a bbq restaurant we have close to home, that we knew would be yummy.
We're 6 miles away, driving on a dark, busy, 5-lane road... BAM!!!! Out of nowhere, our windshield just explodes! On my side... Hubby did an awesome job keeping us steady, maneuvering through traffic to the side of the road. I look up and see something pointing at me. I thought something came through the windshield and stopped inches from my face. Whew, okay, that was just the visor.
We both determine we are okay, and are trying to figure out what in the world just happened. I have tiny pieces of glass all over my clothes and hands.
This guy knocks on our window and tells us a truck hit a deer, and he saw the deer then hit our car and go flipping through the air. He was kind enough to stay with us until the police arrived.
It took a good 20 minutes or so for the police to find us. We had no clue where we were, I could only give them the road name based on the gps. He said we couldn't drive home, because the windshield was too damaged. He said we would either get a ticket, or the windshield would collapse on us. He did allow us to drive on to the restaurant to wait for a tow truck, since hubby could still see fairly well out of his side.
My car? I don't even care. It can be fixed. Or we can get another one. Aggravating, for sure, but hubby and I work near each other. He will have to go in early, and I will have to stay late, but we're okay! Can't say washing my hands felt good - several small scratches and cuts, but wow. The tow truck driver said we were very fortunate the deer did not totally break through the glass. He worked another wreck where that did happen. The deer did not die on impact, and it kicked and kicked through the glass, seriously injuring one of the guys in the car. Hubby could've lost control and slammed into the other traffic. It stinks, but I told him - maybe that was saving us from something worse happening further down the road.
So, 30 has started out with a bang - quite literally! I'm hoping for fewer deer, but more excitement. Namely good news from the state.
As we stepped in line for our second roller coaster, and walked right up to the loading dock, I thought, "I want to turn 30 every year!" Rather chilly, but so awesome to not wait in line for 1-2 hours. They closed at 6, so we were gonna grab some supper and get in early. Some g*oogling and gps'ing was taking us to a bbq restaurant we have close to home, that we knew would be yummy.
We're 6 miles away, driving on a dark, busy, 5-lane road... BAM!!!! Out of nowhere, our windshield just explodes! On my side... Hubby did an awesome job keeping us steady, maneuvering through traffic to the side of the road. I look up and see something pointing at me. I thought something came through the windshield and stopped inches from my face. Whew, okay, that was just the visor.
We both determine we are okay, and are trying to figure out what in the world just happened. I have tiny pieces of glass all over my clothes and hands.
This guy knocks on our window and tells us a truck hit a deer, and he saw the deer then hit our car and go flipping through the air. He was kind enough to stay with us until the police arrived.
It took a good 20 minutes or so for the police to find us. We had no clue where we were, I could only give them the road name based on the gps. He said we couldn't drive home, because the windshield was too damaged. He said we would either get a ticket, or the windshield would collapse on us. He did allow us to drive on to the restaurant to wait for a tow truck, since hubby could still see fairly well out of his side.
My car? I don't even care. It can be fixed. Or we can get another one. Aggravating, for sure, but hubby and I work near each other. He will have to go in early, and I will have to stay late, but we're okay! Can't say washing my hands felt good - several small scratches and cuts, but wow. The tow truck driver said we were very fortunate the deer did not totally break through the glass. He worked another wreck where that did happen. The deer did not die on impact, and it kicked and kicked through the glass, seriously injuring one of the guys in the car. Hubby could've lost control and slammed into the other traffic. It stinks, but I told him - maybe that was saving us from something worse happening further down the road.
So, 30 has started out with a bang - quite literally! I'm hoping for fewer deer, but more excitement. Namely good news from the state.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Dumb, followed by torture
I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I saw the title for this year's Christmas cantata for the adult choir. If there's one Christmas song I could place in a box and hide away from the rest of the world, it would be M*ary Did You Know... (Sorry, Mark, it's just a difficult song!)
If you don't know, that song is written "to" Mary, the mother of J*esus, asking her if she knew her baby boy would do the things He did and be the thing He is. You should definitely g*oo*gle it, but get a tissue handy first. I'll wait...
So that's the title of our musical this year. Of course, MDYK is in it. Tonight, for the first time, I heard the song before MDYK, which is a solo... Written from the perspective of Mary. "Mommies and Daddies" are the first stinkin' words, and the song talks about imagining what your child will be when they grow up, and who would imagine He would be a King?
In my mind, I crossed my arms over my chest, stomped my foot, and said "this is a DUMB song!" Really, it's a good song, and I like it, but it stings. I long to hold my children, to meet them and know them, so I *can* have dreams for them. I managed to keep the tears away. Even though I started thinking about how a few months ago, when we started practicing this music, I was still thinking I might have to sit out because I could be holding my babies*. It doesn't look so likely now, and Christmas morning has the potential to be painfully quiet and very sad. But I didn't cry.
Then we started singing MYDK... I tried really, really hard not to cry. It's not just the words, but the feelings and thoughts that song brings with it. It's torture, really, for me to try to sing it. At first, I thought it would just be a few tears I could easily wipe away. Yeah, except not. I quietly left the choir loft and went to the bathroom.
It's not the first year I've struggled through a musical. I just thought it would be soooooo different this year.
*I guess, technically, it could still happen. The optimistic side of me is holding out hope. The realistic side is trying to prepare for another quiet, childless Christmas.
If you don't know, that song is written "to" Mary, the mother of J*esus, asking her if she knew her baby boy would do the things He did and be the thing He is. You should definitely g*oo*gle it, but get a tissue handy first. I'll wait...
So that's the title of our musical this year. Of course, MDYK is in it. Tonight, for the first time, I heard the song before MDYK, which is a solo... Written from the perspective of Mary. "Mommies and Daddies" are the first stinkin' words, and the song talks about imagining what your child will be when they grow up, and who would imagine He would be a King?
In my mind, I crossed my arms over my chest, stomped my foot, and said "this is a DUMB song!" Really, it's a good song, and I like it, but it stings. I long to hold my children, to meet them and know them, so I *can* have dreams for them. I managed to keep the tears away. Even though I started thinking about how a few months ago, when we started practicing this music, I was still thinking I might have to sit out because I could be holding my babies*. It doesn't look so likely now, and Christmas morning has the potential to be painfully quiet and very sad. But I didn't cry.
Then we started singing MYDK... I tried really, really hard not to cry. It's not just the words, but the feelings and thoughts that song brings with it. It's torture, really, for me to try to sing it. At first, I thought it would just be a few tears I could easily wipe away. Yeah, except not. I quietly left the choir loft and went to the bathroom.
It's not the first year I've struggled through a musical. I just thought it would be soooooo different this year.
*I guess, technically, it could still happen. The optimistic side of me is holding out hope. The realistic side is trying to prepare for another quiet, childless Christmas.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
It feels wrong...
So, as we continue to wait, I continue to think and dream and pray. As we get (hopefully) closer to an adoption placement becoming our reality, I get more specific... Except...
Except it feels soooooo incredibly wrong to pray for TPR. It's a necessary step to make our kids become our kids... But I'm having trouble getting excited over it. Think about what a drastic change, and for so many people. No parent wants to be told their child is being permanently taken away. No child truly wants to leave Mama and Daddy, I don't care what that sulky teenager says. And yet, we are waiting for that very thing. I do believe if someone were to come to me and tell me they were taking my children, the first phrase out of my mouth would be something like "over my dead body!" And yet, I am waiting for that to happen to someone else. It feels wrong to be excited.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... I do hope that we can maintain some kind of contact with some family member, but it's a game-changer for all of the above. They are losing someone they love. Little friends at school or church or wherever, who will grow up and one day wonder what happened to that little boy or girl...
And for the children... Yes, they will be coming to a "better" home, with more "suitable" parents, and smothered with hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love... But they will also be saying good-bye to family, friends, and an entire life - the only one they've ever known.
Everyone else is giving me nothing but excitement and happiness, but there is a part of me that realizes the brevity of the situation soon facing our children. Change is good, but change is hard. They don't call them growing PAINS for no reason. Any other adoptive moms feel the same?
Except it feels soooooo incredibly wrong to pray for TPR. It's a necessary step to make our kids become our kids... But I'm having trouble getting excited over it. Think about what a drastic change, and for so many people. No parent wants to be told their child is being permanently taken away. No child truly wants to leave Mama and Daddy, I don't care what that sulky teenager says. And yet, we are waiting for that very thing. I do believe if someone were to come to me and tell me they were taking my children, the first phrase out of my mouth would be something like "over my dead body!" And yet, I am waiting for that to happen to someone else. It feels wrong to be excited.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... I do hope that we can maintain some kind of contact with some family member, but it's a game-changer for all of the above. They are losing someone they love. Little friends at school or church or wherever, who will grow up and one day wonder what happened to that little boy or girl...
And for the children... Yes, they will be coming to a "better" home, with more "suitable" parents, and smothered with hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love... But they will also be saying good-bye to family, friends, and an entire life - the only one they've ever known.
Everyone else is giving me nothing but excitement and happiness, but there is a part of me that realizes the brevity of the situation soon facing our children. Change is good, but change is hard. They don't call them growing PAINS for no reason. Any other adoptive moms feel the same?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
With a Consultant
Hubby happened to run into our SW one day last week, while he was out for lunch. He said it kind of surprised him to see her, so he didn't ask her all the questions I probably would have, but she did mention that our study is with a consultant. So now, the SW is just waiting to hear back from the consultant.
Hubby was correct, I have several other questions! Looks like I will be stalking a local grocer where our SW holds a second job. ;) It doesn't hurt that their meat is cheaper than my usual big box store that carries everything. I'm wanting to know if I should hold on to my few remaining vacation days this year. I have a very specific question for her that we aren't really sharing with much of anyone just yet.
Every month that passes means our babies get a little older... They've been in the system a little longer... While I hope and pray they are in a loving FH, another month may mean more abuse, neglect, pain, bad memories. Another month away from Mama and Daddy. Another month closer to Christmas...
But really, overall I'm in a good place right now. The last couple weeks have been okay. Staying busy usually means I don't have time to dwell on the waiting, and there has definitely not been a shortage of things to do! I think I have cooked supper at home exactly once in 3 weeks. One more week of baseball for our oldest nephew, and we should have a little while before basketball starts up. Thankfully, those games are all on Saturday, so we should have a few week nights open again.
And now, I'm rambling... This bed sure is warm, but I really should be in the shower. Our pastor got married on Thursday, rather unexpectedly, so I'm sure it will be an exciting day at church! A nephew has a birthday party after. I'm not really sure, but I may be expected to start teaching again tonight, and I have no lesson... The busy-ness continues!
Hubby was correct, I have several other questions! Looks like I will be stalking a local grocer where our SW holds a second job. ;) It doesn't hurt that their meat is cheaper than my usual big box store that carries everything. I'm wanting to know if I should hold on to my few remaining vacation days this year. I have a very specific question for her that we aren't really sharing with much of anyone just yet.
Every month that passes means our babies get a little older... They've been in the system a little longer... While I hope and pray they are in a loving FH, another month may mean more abuse, neglect, pain, bad memories. Another month away from Mama and Daddy. Another month closer to Christmas...
But really, overall I'm in a good place right now. The last couple weeks have been okay. Staying busy usually means I don't have time to dwell on the waiting, and there has definitely not been a shortage of things to do! I think I have cooked supper at home exactly once in 3 weeks. One more week of baseball for our oldest nephew, and we should have a little while before basketball starts up. Thankfully, those games are all on Saturday, so we should have a few week nights open again.
And now, I'm rambling... This bed sure is warm, but I really should be in the shower. Our pastor got married on Thursday, rather unexpectedly, so I'm sure it will be an exciting day at church! A nephew has a birthday party after. I'm not really sure, but I may be expected to start teaching again tonight, and I have no lesson... The busy-ness continues!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
No News... But here are some books i read growing up!
Yeah, there's nothin' to report. All is quiet. But since I haven't posted since the end of September...
I was commenting on an author's blog, about my favorite character, and it brought back a lot of other characters I "grew up with" when I was little. So, let me share.
**ram*ona qu*imby... Yes, pretty sure it was the whole middle child thing. I wanted her to be real, so we could chat, and so I could be her friend.
**the girls from the Gi*rl Talk series. My mom understood my obsession with books, and even though we likely couldn't afford it, she signed me up for the book club. I received 3 books (a month? A few times a year? I don't remember)... She would have to hide them from me so I wouldn't read all 3 books the day they came in the mail.
**Ironically, the Box*car Children. I wanted to bring them home with me and let them be my brothers and sisters.
***Goo*sebu*mps. Even though they freaked me out, even though a few terrified me... ME, the scaredy-cat child who jumped at her own shadow...
If I had "my own" money, you can be sure I was buying books. In college, I would easily spend a paycheck on books.
Of course, now I have other things to spend money on, such as a house, car, etc. I don't have as much time to read. One day, though, I hope to instill that same love of books in my children.
I was commenting on an author's blog, about my favorite character, and it brought back a lot of other characters I "grew up with" when I was little. So, let me share.
**ram*ona qu*imby... Yes, pretty sure it was the whole middle child thing. I wanted her to be real, so we could chat, and so I could be her friend.
**the girls from the Gi*rl Talk series. My mom understood my obsession with books, and even though we likely couldn't afford it, she signed me up for the book club. I received 3 books (a month? A few times a year? I don't remember)... She would have to hide them from me so I wouldn't read all 3 books the day they came in the mail.
**Ironically, the Box*car Children. I wanted to bring them home with me and let them be my brothers and sisters.
***Goo*sebu*mps. Even though they freaked me out, even though a few terrified me... ME, the scaredy-cat child who jumped at her own shadow...
If I had "my own" money, you can be sure I was buying books. In college, I would easily spend a paycheck on books.
Of course, now I have other things to spend money on, such as a house, car, etc. I don't have as much time to read. One day, though, I hope to instill that same love of books in my children.
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