Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Sad, Empty Uterus

So first, I spent the better part of yesterday in doctor's offices and hospitals, and am full of painkill.ers, so if none of this makes sense, you know why. A dull, nagging ache in my lower left abdomen turned into oh-my-heavens-I-think-I'm-dying. Which led to vomitting and a monster migraine, probably from no Dr P.epper and eating 2 crackers all day.
Doc-in-a-box ordered a u/s, so I tried to pay attention. All I saw was a sad, empty uterus. We decided to use an OPK this month, so I was actually half-hoping for an ec.topic. Isn't it sad and somewhat twisted that I've made it to that point, that I would actually want an ec.topic, just so I would know it was actually possible for me to get pregnant? Not that I really knwe what I was looking for, but all I saw was emptiness. You know, except for my bladder that the girl kept pressing on. The current semi-diagnosis is o.varian c.ysts, but I couldn't get in to see my gyn until Friday afternoon.
Yet another sign to move on, ya think? We decide to "try" again (not that we've NOT been trying, mind you, but trying a little harder), and I end up in the ER. I'm not making any decisions while I'm awesomely medicated, but it seems like this may be the end of the trying. Does it make me a sissy that I would give up so easily? There are women who endure a lot more than 24 hours in doctors and er's. My hats off to all of you! I haven't really felt "good" in a long time. AF has gotten worse and worse in more ways than one. And now we're talking cysts. I'm thinking about talking to my gyn about throwing in the towel and going for a little bc. A sad place to be, but it will also free up a lot of time, space, pain, and some money for adoption. 10 months from yesterday... Time to quit trying to be reproductive, and start cleaning up and out my house and heart, to prepare for a little (or big) one that is extremely possible to come home.

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