Okay, I knew Mother's Day would be tough, but the day after was supposed to be better/easier!!!! For startes I need more rest... I've been working a LOT more than usual, both in hours and in standing all day for 8 hours, packing drugs and making deliveries for about 2 and a half hours, getting through traffic safely, getting in and out of my car, tracking people down, etc. More stress, not enough rest, and I think that 0r!ental accu...pressure deal we got on our anniversary has made my back/neck/head worse than it's been in a long time...
But today I'm just flat-out depressed. I've dealt with depression off-and-on since childhood, so you'd think I would be used to it by now. The tears came and went on Mother's Day, depending on the situation.... (And now I'm trying to remember if I already blogged about this?) Anyway... Back to today.... Unless there's some obscure adoption agency I don't know about lurking in the shadows, it looks like we have to wait 2 more years before we can even begin the necessary paperwork for adoption. Several people have said "Oh, well see, you're already a third of the way there!!" which is about like telling a pregnant lady "Oh, you'll only be pregnant for three more years!!" The truth is I'm ready for a baby NOW, not three years from now!!! (or four or more, depending on a lot of details)....
And tonight is one of those nights you question things.... Why does a mother run off and leave her kids with a father who can't read, so she can go use drugs? Why does another mother leave her kids with their grandmother to go overdose and leave those kids with no mom? Why does an innocent little girl have to lose her mom to cancer on Mother's Day? Why are there orphans who will never know a mother's love? Why? why? why...... When there are women who would give just about anything to be called Mama, why do so many others tell their kids to go play in their rooms? When their are parents who have lost their kids to diseases and accidents, why do so many others wish their kids would go away so they could have a quiet, clean house?
It's been said that you can't miss someone who never existed.... Then why does my heart long for that baby I'll never feel growing inside me? A co-worker looks down on her friend who questions why God punishes her every time she's pregnant with a girl, when said co-worker has given birth with no problems to 2 healthy kids... But how many of us have that thought in the back of our minds, what did I do wrong do deserve this? Why does nobody realize Mother's Day is not all happiness and joy, unless they are infertile, have lost their mom, or have lost their child? I prayed for and reached out to several women before and on Mother's Day, who I knew would have a tough time. Why are people who know about my struggles with infertility only concerned with me making their day happy? Thanks for not being concerned at all that it took every ounce of stiff-upper-lip-ness I had to make it through your baby's dedication.
Don't mean to sound so down, but well, that's where I am....
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