It's Sunday night, I'm home, in my pj's, the washer and dryer are both going, hubby is in the living room play ing a video game.... All is well. Or should be. I had these great blogs written out in my head, one for here and one for my*space, but I sit down, and have already given up on the other one. I've started, erased, started again, repeat on this one. I'm content, but I'm not. Everything should be fine, just a normal Sunday night, but it's not. It was certainly not my usual Sunday. Not a "normal" church service. Can't say my soul is at rest after it. Almost immediately after the last "Amen," the fire radios started going off. (At least half the volunteer fire dept goes to our church) Brush fire on a back road, which usually is no big deal, but then this is the weekend of -usually-no-big-deal-goes-awry fire calls. Hubby is a member, and there was a time when I wanted to fight my way in (along with my younger sister... We were both upset that they wouldn't "allow" women to join, which was illegal, but small town, they wanted to protect us, etc, etc... I digress... It took me watching 1 house burn to the ground and watching the girl who lived there come home to see everything gone when she had already lost so much (another story for another day, involving infertility and her husband leaving her), for me to know it was not my thing. Anyway. Hubby looked at his parents, looked at me and said "Take care of her!" and left. I walk to church, because it's not that far. Went out to eat with the in-laws (parents, sis and b-i-l and niece and nephew) had fun, held the baby nephew. He smelled so sweet, he grinned and "talked and wanted to be snuggled. Beginning to think each "baby fix" just leaves me wanting more. Interesting conversation with 4-year-old niece on the way home. She doesn't want J and I to have kids because "Then you couldn't play with me and A because you would be too busy playing with your children!" ("But doesn't Aunt H play with you, even though she has children?") That got a look that said, in no uncertain terms, "Oh, but that is SO WAY DIFFERENT!!!" Really, I'm flattered that I'm the Fun Aunt. It's a great job. We discussed some details, and she decided we can have kids when she's 8. Hahaha....
Moving on... Went home, tried to get something done, barely succeeded. Hubby came in 4 plus hours later, took a shower, and we continued on with not-usual Sunday. He showered and we went to another church in the community for pre-funeral visitation, at which there was no body because the man was being cremated. Which brings up the other weird fire call. Yesterday morning, there was a "difficulty breathing" medic call. Those usually turn out to be nothing much, perhaps the person will go to the hospital ER, but rarely will be kept over night. In just a few minutes, 911 was coming over again saying the subject was coding. As in, Code Blue, and in, dying. Now, I know people that live on that road, but even in this small community, a call like that isn't someone you know well. Certainly not someone you just sat down and had a lengthy conversation with right before Christmas. Certainly not someone whose wife you had just spent the weekend before talking with at the youth' New Year's Eve service. Certainly it wouldn't be serious, this difficulty breathing, and certainly not someone who seemed fine just a week or two ago. I was barely awake, and didn't even know when hubby came back in, dressed, and left for a Sunday School meeting after he came back from the call. I was waking up when he came back at noon (I know, terrible I slept half the day....)I asked if the call was for anyone we knew, and if they were okay, and he told me it was G, and that he died that morning. Very unexpected for everyone. G and EM built a house over 22 years by hand, I mean everything in the house, by hand. Very very sweet people who knew me when I was little, and I was just getting to know as an adult. Perhaps that is the reason for my unrest. How is she going to live in those woods, with no close neighbors, alone? How would I? What would I do if my husband just died like that? How do you start to live again after you lose the person you've spent more than half your life with just dies with no warning, no time to tie up loose ends, learn to do the bills by yourself, fix things when they break, take out the dead mouse, hold you before you drift off to sleep, come up with funny responses because you've told them you loved them 5 times in 4 minutes, hang out with on a lazy day, watch a movie with, argue with, fix supper for, and the list goes on.....
Unexpected death....
Discussing children with a 4-year-old's point of view....
Always holding someone else's baby.....
Reading about A's and C's baby, who has not been born and yet is dying....
And J and her family wondering where their baby is.....
General unrest.....
There's something more, something deeper going on underneath it all, but am I ready for it?