You know how sometimes, you take things a week at a time, or a day at a time? How 'bout a moment at a time? For this moment, I'm okay... Ask me again in 5 minutes, maybe the tears will be back. Sent a message to a fellow infertile friend who had become very quiet lately... Knowing the probably reason WHY she had become quiet... Yep, she's going tomorrow for a pg test b/c she had an iui 2 weeks ago -- you know, around the time she got quiet. Of course I'm happy for her... And while I wouldn't want anyone to deal with IF forever, it sure was nice when there was someone I could talk to who wasn't pregnant or "almost" there, who understood.
I also know that getting pregnant doesn't make all those fears and uncertainties go away, and ultimately adoption won't either... From reading several blogs I can see that it does get easier, but it's also easy to let those old feelings come back. It's definitely not a cake walk after you've been down this road, even with the most ideal pregnancy or adoption.
I'm reminded again of a song, by oh-what's-her-name, tha blind contemporary Christian singer/songwriter/pianoplayer.... "It may not be the way I would've chosen... But You never said it wouls be easy, You only said I'd never go alone..."
So, for this moment, I am clinging to those promises. I am holding my head up. I am getting some housework done byond the normal laundry-supper-dishes... My kitchen table is COMPLETELY cleaned off. My entire kitchen is almost SPOTLESS. I even took down the ironing board and put it and the iron away, even though I'll need them in the morning. Tomorrow I'm attacking the tub and I just might even work on my bedroom some before we go on our first trip. Yes, FIRST.... Hubby decided that we WILL indeed go to the beach, and that is what sister-in-law wanted. She wants us at the party, but she also doesn't want us to cancel our trip. Just knowing I have 2 shorter work weeks, and will be able to get away for a while, helps a LOT.... And knowing I won't be facing those prying questions from well-meaning cousins at the party lets me relax a little bit more. Knowing 2 close friends are a lot closer to baby stings, but it is a happy sting. Having understanding co-workers is so great... All three of us (myself, the pharmacist, and the other tech) had an emotional day for several reasons, but we were able to talk a lot about IF and all that goes with it. The other tech left to pick up lunch, and our pharmacist just stopped working and hugged me. We just stood there and cried together, and she told me how it WILL happen one day and I'm going to be a great mother, etc, all stuff I needed to hear. I have worked another job where nobody was really that sympathetic, and it really helps to know your co-workers are there for you, and you can be there for them. Her kids call me Aunt NotTheMama just like most kids who know me. I spoil them just like my niece and nephews.
If I don't post again before Friday, I'll be back Monday. I know I won't have computer access beyond checking email on my cell phone, but it is reallllllllllly tempting to just leave the phone at home. We'll see.

It just keeps on getting better...

Pardon that last rant... Can you tell this is not a good time?!
Well... Let's just say I felt a little less than wonderful yesterday. I had to decide whether to treat the cramps or the migraine (the 3rd or 4th in a week, no less) first... Bring on the mid0l. Which left me with a monster migraine. Instead of cleaning house or getting ready for this weekend's trip, I stayed in bed until I had to get ready for hubby's b-day dinner, almost a month late. So last night, after we got in around midnight, I took a muscle relaxer and went to bed. Didn't make it for Sunday School, but I MADE myself get up and go to preaching. Usually, I'm poking hubby to wake him up during the sermon. Today, I was just struggling to remain conscious myself. Even after a nap this afternoon, I'm still kind of groggy and tired. But I felt better otherwise. My body finally relaxed last night as I slept. Too bad I can't take one of those every night.
So I was already not in a good frame of mind, when the announcement was made during lunch that a fellow infertile friend is pregnant. If you've been there, you know how that feels... Good for her, I'm happy that yet another person gets to experience that.... Wasn't there a better, more private way to let me in on that little bit of info? I lost my appetite, but did manage to eat what I had already put on my plate. I also managed to keep the tears away until we were in the truck. When I sat looking out the window, not talking, and let a few tears fall silently. Because I knew hubby's reaction would be that I can't let things like that bother me. It was easier to just suffer in silence. And now, he's in bed, and I can just let the tears go.
I KNOW God's timing is not right for us to have kids now. I KNOW one day it will happen, somehow. But the question is, how many more times do I have to keep my emotions in check... How many more ruined meals, mixed feelings, awkward announcements, etc will I see before I get to be on the other side.... I really need to get to the beach.

I. AM. SO. PISSED. OFF.

For the past several years, we have went to the beach the 2nd weekend in October. Sister-in-law knew this, as she was planning for youngest nephew's 1st birthday party. We discussed it, she had said it would be the weekend after that. She called hubby today in tears. She messed up and planned it for the weekend we are going to be (or were supposed to be!!!!) at the beach. Hubby is thinking seriously about NOT going to the beach... In fact, I dare say we can already just go ahead and cancel. Good-bye, sand between my toes. Good-bye midnight walks on the beach. Good-bye best Italian food of my life. Good-bye relaxing weekend I deseperately NEED..... Of course, I can't SAY anything, because she has already been crying. It's not like this trip was a huge surprise. HELLO, WE DISCUSSED IT AND SHE SAID IT WOULD BE THE NEXT WEEKEND.... Ugh.... Hubby asked what I would do if it was one of MY nephews, I said I had actually missed one of oldest nephew's parties, because we were at the beach. Granted, it was not his 1st b-day. What to do?

Oh gosh.... Mixed feelings

If you could see me right now, I would be banging my head aganist the wall... Or just shedding a few tears, because I've already had some migraine meds, and that whole banging thing probably wouldn't help. (Disclaimer: it is that time again, so hormones/emotions/appetite/give-me-more-chocolate-meter are all out of whack. End disclaimer.)
Don't get me wrong... I'm actually a little happy and glad that it's 5 days early this time... We're leaving next Friday morning for a trip to Pigeon Forge with hubby's family, coming back Monday, then leaving out the following Thursday night for our annual beach trip with church friends. Child-beaering for the month may be screwed, but hey, at least it's not ruining some perfectly good mountain and beach time. AND I can ride the roller coaster and whatever else at Dollywood with NO worries AT ALL.
But... And isn't there always a but???? One bloggy buddy is in Taiwan getting her little girl, and I saw some awesome wonderful pictures of her and the baby... Beautiful baby, and even though I was at work and the phone was ringing off the hook, I immediately started looking into Taiwan adoption...... Another blogger just announced on her blog a couple of hours ago that they are trying again. Happy for them, too, and glad they have that option.
Sigh... Which brings out the other side (does anyone else ever feel all oh shoot what was the name of that movie with the lady who had multiple personalities in like the 80's or early 90's?)..... Once again, I thought about doing an OPK... But you know, those 2 trips, peeing on a stick every day, trying not to leave any evidence.... Ugh... With MY family, maybe, but the in-laws? We're a little new for that.... Maybe next month.... And seeing the pictures of someone else finally getting there little bundle of joy (don't get me wrong, she so totally deserves this, she's been waiting forever and I'm SO happy for her!!!) makes me want to hop on a plane like YESTERDAY.... If only we had that option less than a year and a half into our marriage.... And still praying for a family dealing with heartbreak over a "failed" adoption, which leaves me with lots of questions and uncertainty about the future...... My younger sister just informed us that she is not going to be present for the birth of our next nephew, because her hubby's family is going to the mountains that weekend for Christmas.... She just really doesn't want to drive an hour south to see the new baby, then drive 6-7 hours to the mountains by herself, because she will fall asleep. There is NO WAY I would miss the birth of any of my nephews or nieces, unless it was absolutely not possible at all. I did that once, because I couldn't get off work and couldn't miss class... But I stayed as long as I possibly could that morning, and drove 4 hours back to class on very little sleep... It was hard to stay awke, but you know what, I would do it again in a heartbeat. And trust me, if the shoe was on the other foot, she would probably DEMAND that our older sister stay at the hospital for the delivery at least. And the final straw was reading that someone else is actively trying to get pregnant..... There is something they can DO that has worked before and could work again... Once again, don't get me wrong, I'm glad she has that option, I'm always glad when things work out for other people, because I know what it's like for that to not happen.
I knew this was coming... I saw the signs all week.... Sore, achy, monster migraines followed by cloudy confusion, cramping, major lower back pain.... It's not like this was a surprise. But I always allow myself to think "You know, I've heard you also could feel this way when you got pregnant..." I've thought about going back to the gyn and getting on birth control.... Fewer migraines, less cramping, lighter flow??? I'll take all of the above... NOT wondering if this MIGHT be the month, when I KNOW it's not possible? Priceless... BUT... Taking a chance on there BEING a chance, and not getting pregnant because of BC? No thanks.
I don't want to hit the fast forward button or anything, but sometimes I wish it was several years down the road, and I was looking back on all of this, while holding my own child, saying "You know, it was ALL worth it!" God, please let it be soon...

I may have found an answer to my elbow probs!

I'm not really sure that I have ever blogged about my arm here... I played softball all my life, and started having problems with my throwing arm in high school. "It's just tendonitis," the coach said, "And if you go to the doctor, they'll just tell you not to play ball... And I NEED YOU to play ball!" So, like most good athletes, I listened to my coach. I wore a brace, slathered on the Fle!x-a%l 454, and smelled like an old man. And still hurt... Then there was a while where I could be holding something in my left hand (dinner plate, pencil, whatever) and just drop it. Fast forward several years, and I'm slicing about 10 cases of lemons in half at least once (usually 2 or 3 times) a week. I think that aggravated it more, as I had continued to have **some** pain and problems, but not a lot. This time, though, my pinky and ring fingers started tingling, along with the elbow pain and dropping things. I finally went to the doctor (and not a good one, either!) and after some nerve studies (ouch) on my arm and neck, he said I had some nerve damage and needed surgery. Did I mention the dude who did the nerve studies told us that he'd had grown men cry and refuse to finish the nerve study, and I just laid/sat there and never flinched? ;)
I had the surgery, and later found out the dude couldn't do surgery without another doctor )conveniently, his dad...) being in the room, because he wasn't yet board certified... Nobody told us this info in his office, and never once was in mentioned that this dude wasn't certified yet. So when my arm didn't improve as quickly and fully as we'd hoped, he said more surgery was needed... My mom said no way, and made me set up an appt in another (bigger, more medicall advanced, with certified surgeons) town.. THAT doctor couldn't believe the first one was going to cut on my arm AGAIN, without doing another nerve study... Repeat nerve study, in arm and neck. Ouch again. No tears or flinching again. The good doctor said there was no nerve damage showing up, but that I definitely should have had some PT after surgery. Another thing the first doctor failed to mention. I drove an hour away, 3 days a week, for 1 hour of PT. I think it hurt more than the nerve study hahaha... The PT told me not to use my left hand/arm AT ALL, for anything.... Did I mention I am completely, totally, 100% left-handed? I got pretty good at being right-handed, but I did cheat some, which lead to tendonitis on the other side of my elbow, along with the nerve problems running under my elbow. Great. It gradually got better, PT was over, I was released from the doctor, and for a while, had very little pain or tingling.... The dropping stuff, that has never went away, and gets worse if I've been doing anything that requires gripping something with my left hand. Let's just say I no longer carry plates of food in my left hand.
So last night during an extended-family-dinner, one of my aunts was talking to her cousin about nerve damage in their necks. My aunt works in the hospital, and her boss had to have neck surgery because of some nerve damage, and now deals with permanent nerve damage in her arm and hand. Can you guess what she deals with???? Yep, she drops things, still has pain and tingling in her fingers, etc. Sound familiar?
We went to a fair over the weekend.... I didn't really connect the dots until today. After gripping the handles and bars on all the rides with both hands, no wonder I've been dropping stuff all week.... I also carried around my 2 and a half year old nephew for the better part of Monday night, because the one time I let him walk, I ended up chasing him around the restaurant. Which arm did I carry him in? Of course, the left.... And that whole pushing the buggy through the store because Aunt NotTheMama is the fun driver? Yep, held on to that thing pretty tight. It's also a busy week at work, so I've been putting tablets and capsules in trays all day, every day. So, it looks like I'm dealing with permanent nerve damage in my dominant elbow and hand. Nice!
Hahaha here's a list of some of my ailments
**infertility
**migraines several times a month, sometimes followed my nausea, etc
**neck/back pain from a wreck
**bad ankles from too much running and sliding
**vision probs that are getting worse (gotta get back to the dr on that)
Sheesh.... I'm not even 30 yet...

When "the plan" doesn't go like we've planned

Whew. Heart-breaking day in Ukraine today. The family I met who were supposed to have their day in court today (technically, yesterday)??? Didn't. Happen. As in, the boy chose to stay in Ukraine. I started praying last night, and prayed at different times throughout the day, and checked their blog at work every chance I got. While the pharmacist was gone to pick up her daughter from school, I sat down to read their update.... And he decided he couldn't do it. Time invested away from their country, away from their other 2 kids and family and friends and church and jobs and LIFE... Gone. Time they can't get back. That third child they had already planned on being in the family? Now there's a hole. That bedroom they had already prepared? It will be empty. That money they spent on various things to complete the adoption and get to and from Ukraine? Gone. Because he loves that family, but he loves his friends more. Because he doesn't think he can be part of a family. Because he likes the freedom of not being in the orphanage. Because he has no CLUE really what a family is/does/means, and he was probably scared. Because he is just a little boy who nobody else gave a chance, so that when given a chance, he wasn't really sure what to DO with it. Because he is just a teenager, with no way of knowing how to compare two very different futures. Sure, to us, you know, those of us who grew up in America, who never had to live on $8 a day and go from a very structured environment to figuring out how to survive on your own over night, who know that Mama will be there to kiss your boo-boos, or Daddy will teach you to drive that car, to us, it's easy to see what choice we would make, you know, if it were us. We would choose the family.
BUT.... Is this how God feels? Obviously, God is not at all surprised by the outcomes of difficult situations, He knows in advance how things will play out... But He is "not willing that any should perish," soGod provides a Way..... Even though we grew up in church, we didn't really "get it" until we made those steps to become a Christian. Sure, we stepped out in faith. God is not surprised when someone rejects Him, but it has to hurt... So this family gave up a LOT of things (time, money, work, being with their children for weeks, etc) to adopt this boy.... And I am absolutely NOT trying to minimize their pain in any way (I'm sure this is just as painful as losing a child to death)... But God gave HIS SON... His One and Only Son... Jesus died on the cross, KNOWING that people would reject Him... KNOWING that someone would say "Well, Jesus, I really do love you, but I love my (girlfriend/boyfriend/car/house/alcohol/drugs/sinful lifestyle too much to come be with You!"
But it doesn't stop just there... And I'm preaching to myself on this part.... Every time we choose to do (insert a million things here) instead of reading our Bible, praying, witnessing to that person when God whispers to us to do so, giving that extra money to missions or offerings or such.... We are telling God "Sorry, God, I know You gave Your Perfect Son to die in my place, but I love my internet/game system/athletic team/only day to rest/family time TOO MUCH to follow You." Ouch. Does realizing and admitting that hurt you as much as it hurt me?
Please be in prayer for this family, including the son they are leaving behind.

I've lost it a little more hahaha

So there's something going on with my car. It s-l-o-w-l-y loses water somehow, like over the course of a few weeks, which in turn (if left unchecked) drains the radiator. Honestly, I'm not sure how my car wasn't running hot before my dad discovered there was a problem. He says there's either a leaky hose somewhere, or a blown head gasket. No biggie, as we only have 2 more truck payments left on Mr. NotTheMama's truck, then we're getting me something else anyway. Unless....
Unless it starts running rough again... I hadn't checked the H2O in a while, and I could tell when I cranked it yesterday, I needed to add water. I was in a hurry, so I just skipped it. Today, I was a little earlier in leaving, so I went back to the house, unlocked the door, and ran in and grabbed some water. Went back to my car, poured in the correct amount, got in my car, and drove to work.... Notice a missing step in there? Notice I said I UNLOCKED the door, but mentioned nothing about LOCKING IT BACK?????????? Yeah, me either.... I left right before 8:30 this morning.... I get home after 5, and my front door is standing WIDE OPEN!!!!!!! At this point, I don't really REMEMBER not shutting and locking the door, so I call hubby and talk to him as I go in the house. My cell works in the yard, and right inside the front door, but after that, it loses signal. Hahaha I kept talking, just like I was still carrying on a conversation, until I had checked most of the house. I had to get to church, so I didn't have time to check the rest. After my little class was over, I came back home, and sat in my car for about 15 minutes waiting for hubby to get in from work. Thankfully, we live in the middle of nowhere, but "downtown" middle-of-nowhere... Um, I.E., we live across the road from the gas station, and beside the post office, which is across the road from the fire department. Which, I guess, is a good thing, since I seem to have a problem remembering to unplug the iron, too....