You know how sometimes, you take things a week at a time, or a day at a time? How 'bout a moment at a time? For this moment, I'm okay... Ask me again in 5 minutes, maybe the tears will be back. Sent a message to a fellow infertile friend who had become very quiet lately... Knowing the probably reason WHY she had become quiet... Yep, she's going tomorrow for a pg test b/c she had an iui 2 weeks ago -- you know, around the time she got quiet. Of course I'm happy for her... And while I wouldn't want anyone to deal with IF forever, it sure was nice when there was someone I could talk to who wasn't pregnant or "almost" there, who understood.
I also know that getting pregnant doesn't make all those fears and uncertainties go away, and ultimately adoption won't either... From reading several blogs I can see that it does get easier, but it's also easy to let those old feelings come back. It's definitely not a cake walk after you've been down this road, even with the most ideal pregnancy or adoption.
I'm reminded again of a song, by oh-what's-her-name, tha blind contemporary Christian singer/songwriter/pianoplayer.... "It may not be the way I would've chosen... But You never said it wouls be easy, You only said I'd never go alone..."
So, for this moment, I am clinging to those promises. I am holding my head up. I am getting some housework done byond the normal laundry-supper-dishes... My kitchen table is COMPLETELY cleaned off. My entire kitchen is almost SPOTLESS. I even took down the ironing board and put it and the iron away, even though I'll need them in the morning. Tomorrow I'm attacking the tub and I just might even work on my bedroom some before we go on our first trip. Yes, FIRST.... Hubby decided that we WILL indeed go to the beach, and that is what sister-in-law wanted. She wants us at the party, but she also doesn't want us to cancel our trip. Just knowing I have 2 shorter work weeks, and will be able to get away for a while, helps a LOT.... And knowing I won't be facing those prying questions from well-meaning cousins at the party lets me relax a little bit more. Knowing 2 close friends are a lot closer to baby stings, but it is a happy sting. Having understanding co-workers is so great... All three of us (myself, the pharmacist, and the other tech) had an emotional day for several reasons, but we were able to talk a lot about IF and all that goes with it. The other tech left to pick up lunch, and our pharmacist just stopped working and hugged me. We just stood there and cried together, and she told me how it WILL happen one day and I'm going to be a great mother, etc, all stuff I needed to hear. I have worked another job where nobody was really that sympathetic, and it really helps to know your co-workers are there for you, and you can be there for them. Her kids call me Aunt NotTheMama just like most kids who know me. I spoil them just like my niece and nephews.
If I don't post again before Friday, I'll be back Monday. I know I won't have computer access beyond checking email on my cell phone, but it is reallllllllllly tempting to just leave the phone at home. We'll see.