It IS getting better. Yesterday I didn't cry. Today I was a little more friendly to the ph*armacis*t -- the other one wasn't there. Trying to keep my guard up, but the friendlier someone is, the harder it is to stay upset with them. Tomorrow it will be just the 2 of us, and I'm still trying to decide just how to let her know how they hurt me. Haven't talked to the one who had and lost the pregnancy, as I don't think that's fair or very nice to do while she's still trying to heal. (Not that she seemed tpo care about being fair or nice with me, but let's go with being the bigger person here)
Here's to one more day of work!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
TTC??? Maybe...
So hubby had his every-6-month appointment he hasn't had in almost 3 years. Due to his genetic condition, he has to use synthetic testosterone... There aren't really any doctors in our state who deal with Klinefelter syndrome, so he sees a doctor who deals mainly with diabetes. At his last appointment, right before we were married, the dr set up a consult with a urologist to answer our fertility questions. (I had already contacted Dr. Google, who had pretty much said there was only a remote possibility of conception, with the highest-end treatments)
We chose not to make that appointment as newlyweds, as to give us some time to adjust as husband and wife. Of course that doesn't mean we haven't tried (in vain) on our own. We know the odds are stacked against us, but we have decided to see the urologist to discuss our options.
We're not telling anyone IRL about this appointment... I'm pretty sure they will do SA, and that will pretty much determine our path. We've already decided against the highest end treatments... We're not against the treatments, we just feel like that's not a road we want to travel at this time. With his condition, a count of zero is expected to be the norm, but I really feel like this is the next step we need to take. I need to know if we could pursue some lower-end options. It makes me a little nervous; while it seems like such a simple appointment, it will ultimately either open the door for the possibility of biological children --- or slam it shut in our faces. The appointment is March 3.
We chose not to make that appointment as newlyweds, as to give us some time to adjust as husband and wife. Of course that doesn't mean we haven't tried (in vain) on our own. We know the odds are stacked against us, but we have decided to see the urologist to discuss our options.
We're not telling anyone IRL about this appointment... I'm pretty sure they will do SA, and that will pretty much determine our path. We've already decided against the highest end treatments... We're not against the treatments, we just feel like that's not a road we want to travel at this time. With his condition, a count of zero is expected to be the norm, but I really feel like this is the next step we need to take. I need to know if we could pursue some lower-end options. It makes me a little nervous; while it seems like such a simple appointment, it will ultimately either open the door for the possibility of biological children --- or slam it shut in our faces. The appointment is March 3.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Weekend was Better
Whew... It's been a much better weekend. My sisters (especially older sis) really helped me have a good weekend, and now we're a lot closer to being able to sell our old house and only have 1 house payment again.
Still not sure what exactly this week will hold as far as work. Not sure if she'll be back or not, the ph*arma*cist thought probably not. Trying to prepare myself to be ready either way -- either extremely busy and swamped with her job and mine if she's out, or dealing with the conversations and keeping my emotions in check if she's there. Either way, I'm off Tuesday to go to the dr with hubby for a check-up, and the pha*rmac*ist I'd off Wed. One of our bosses will be coming up to fill in, so there again, I'll be trying to keep emotions in check and opinions to myself.
Regardless of how it turns out, just the thought of going to work tomorrow has filled my eyes with tears today. Hoping and praying it's a better week. The ph*armac*ist did ask my aunt (who works for our sister company that we shared an office with for a while) if I was okay, because she was worried about me... Which makes me think I was right with my theory that she didn't have a clue she and the other girl had hurt me. I'm beginning to understand her "psycho" sister-in-law more every day.
Still not sure what exactly this week will hold as far as work. Not sure if she'll be back or not, the ph*arma*cist thought probably not. Trying to prepare myself to be ready either way -- either extremely busy and swamped with her job and mine if she's out, or dealing with the conversations and keeping my emotions in check if she's there. Either way, I'm off Tuesday to go to the dr with hubby for a check-up, and the pha*rmac*ist I'd off Wed. One of our bosses will be coming up to fill in, so there again, I'll be trying to keep emotions in check and opinions to myself.
Regardless of how it turns out, just the thought of going to work tomorrow has filled my eyes with tears today. Hoping and praying it's a better week. The ph*armac*ist did ask my aunt (who works for our sister company that we shared an office with for a while) if I was okay, because she was worried about me... Which makes me think I was right with my theory that she didn't have a clue she and the other girl had hurt me. I'm beginning to understand her "psycho" sister-in-law more every day.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Trying to be reasonable
I'm trying to be reasonable. I'm trying to not be so wrapped up in my own pain that I don't see that of someone else. I'm trying to think the best and assume that the ph*arm*acist doesn't realize how she's hurt me. I'm trying not to have the attitude that I will go to work, discuss work, and let them find out my good news from FB or text messages. I'm trying really hard to not just stand up and scream "I AM DONE with you people!!!!" I'm trying to keep my chin up, and not cry, and hold it together.
I'm trying, but I'm not really succeeding.
I'm trying, but I'm not really succeeding.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
It's a Toss-up!
Ugh... As if there wasn't enough going on, I woke yesterday morning with a major, full-blown sinus infection. Skip the gradual come-on, skip the usual fix with OTC meds, go straight to, oh wait, I couldn't go straight to the doctor because I had to work! Let's just say I started an anti*bio*tic and leave it at that. I made it through the day, thankfully it wasn't extremely busy, and went to bed as soon as I got home. And stayed there until this morning.
So, now for the toss-up. Pha*rmac*ist comes in this morning, cheerful as always, like nothing has happened. So we can assume either: a) she doesn't realize how she's hurt me, or b) she's not the caring, considerate, kind friend she pretends to be. I am thinking (A), because that seems to be the case.
Not many people ever see the angry, hurt infertile side of me. I try to keep my outbursts private, as we have kept our IF journey largely private. *** Her SIL, on the other hand, has a (public) really hard time with IF. I have heard some stories- sometimes my response is "wow, she's crazy," and other times I think "ya know, that's common IF feelings right there!" Now maybe she had mental issues before IF, but all of this crap is enough to make even tha sanest among us completely nuts. I've been close to the edge a time or two myself.
But.... Maybe there's a happy medium? If non-IF'ers see an IF'er who always seems together and calm and not eomtional, they think we don't struggle and can therefore "handle" whatever news comes our way. Then we get hurt and they donakt even realize it. However, if they see a daily struggle, lots of tears, and we share every way in which we hurt, then we're "psycho," to use her words. So it's a toss-up, really... Either get your feelings hurt a lot, or be viewed as crazy. What is the haapy medium, and how do you find it?
*** Which we are currently failing, miserably more so day by day. As more and more people hear of our adoption plans, they also either figure out on their own, or someone else tells them. Which was my prediction when we first started discussing our IF issues.
So, now for the toss-up. Pha*rmac*ist comes in this morning, cheerful as always, like nothing has happened. So we can assume either: a) she doesn't realize how she's hurt me, or b) she's not the caring, considerate, kind friend she pretends to be. I am thinking (A), because that seems to be the case.
Not many people ever see the angry, hurt infertile side of me. I try to keep my outbursts private, as we have kept our IF journey largely private. *** Her SIL, on the other hand, has a (public) really hard time with IF. I have heard some stories- sometimes my response is "wow, she's crazy," and other times I think "ya know, that's common IF feelings right there!" Now maybe she had mental issues before IF, but all of this crap is enough to make even tha sanest among us completely nuts. I've been close to the edge a time or two myself.
But.... Maybe there's a happy medium? If non-IF'ers see an IF'er who always seems together and calm and not eomtional, they think we don't struggle and can therefore "handle" whatever news comes our way. Then we get hurt and they donakt even realize it. However, if they see a daily struggle, lots of tears, and we share every way in which we hurt, then we're "psycho," to use her words. So it's a toss-up, really... Either get your feelings hurt a lot, or be viewed as crazy. What is the haapy medium, and how do you find it?
*** Which we are currently failing, miserably more so day by day. As more and more people hear of our adoption plans, they also either figure out on their own, or someone else tells them. Which was my prediction when we first started discussing our IF issues.
Monday, January 25, 2010
and will they call her to ask if she likes and wants to keep her job?
The month we tried the hardest to get pregnant, I ended up with a cyst, in so much pain I could barely stand, a trip to the ER, etc etc etc... On the day I could barely stand, this same employee told me I could go home, then proceeded to call our home office and tell them, apparently, that we needed help because I was undependable, not calling in when I wasn't gonna be there, etc... Before I even made it HOME, one of our bosses was calling me, asking me if I liked my job, if I wanted to keep my job, did I want to quit or take a leave until things were okay... This was over about 2 and a half missed days... Not "possibly all week." Is someone gonna call her and ask her the same things? No. It will be perfectly acceptable. Why? Because I'm not telling them I'll make it through the day by myself, then calling our home office and ratting out someone who's sick.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
And Furthermore....
(Read last post forr details)
Now I feel quiet sure the whole chQurch will know of our lack of fertility. We've been deep in the IF closet the whole time, with only a few family members and a few close friends knowing anything at all. We just recently got more vocal about our adoption plans, and there are lots of blissfully ignorant people who think we're gonna have "our own" (as if adoption produces fake, not-our-own-children?).
I did go to teach my class tonight, but told the music teacher that we needed to sing a lot... Usually if I'm having a teary day, if I can just get to my kids, I'm okay. Not so tonight. The music teacher sent me bnack home as soon as she saw my face. We stepped in the hall and I told her what was going on. She knows of our adoption plans and figured the rest out on her own... And it helps that she had a friend who went through IVF and the whole nine yards. I went home and kept myself busy preparing for our friends to cpome over after church, until time for preaching. I knew if I stayed busy, I would be more composed for church. After a brief breakdown to tell my SIL, I made it through the service. Having friends over was actually a good thing... I stayed busy and didn't sit around crying all night. One of those friends had several m/c's, and struggled to maintain the pregnancies that resulted in 2 healthy boys, and the music teacher had told her why I wasn't there for class... I love the music teacher, and she does a lot with the kids... But, well, she likes to talk... So now I'm sure word is getting out to everyone... I wanted people to know, but not this way. I wanted to step out of the closet on my own, not because someone dragged me out. Chalk up yet another loss, hand over more control.
To end on a better note, I have decided to take the high road, put away tha claws, and be the bigger person. I sent a text to the co-worker to tell her I was praying... Because I am, for real... Yes, I was/am1ill be for a while hurt. Yes, I am disappointed that "friends" didn't handle it better, or at least in the way I requested when they asked how to tell me. but she's worried and hurting and possibly losing a baby, and needs to be dealing with that. So I put on my bi#g gi#rl p#an#ties and I'm dealing with it. I may not have lost a baby (we've never made it that far), but I *have* lost the dream of a biological child. As most infertiles know, it is definitely possible to grieve for and miss someone who never really existed.
Now I feel quiet sure the whole chQurch will know of our lack of fertility. We've been deep in the IF closet the whole time, with only a few family members and a few close friends knowing anything at all. We just recently got more vocal about our adoption plans, and there are lots of blissfully ignorant people who think we're gonna have "our own" (as if adoption produces fake, not-our-own-children?).
I did go to teach my class tonight, but told the music teacher that we needed to sing a lot... Usually if I'm having a teary day, if I can just get to my kids, I'm okay. Not so tonight. The music teacher sent me bnack home as soon as she saw my face. We stepped in the hall and I told her what was going on. She knows of our adoption plans and figured the rest out on her own... And it helps that she had a friend who went through IVF and the whole nine yards. I went home and kept myself busy preparing for our friends to cpome over after church, until time for preaching. I knew if I stayed busy, I would be more composed for church. After a brief breakdown to tell my SIL, I made it through the service. Having friends over was actually a good thing... I stayed busy and didn't sit around crying all night. One of those friends had several m/c's, and struggled to maintain the pregnancies that resulted in 2 healthy boys, and the music teacher had told her why I wasn't there for class... I love the music teacher, and she does a lot with the kids... But, well, she likes to talk... So now I'm sure word is getting out to everyone... I wanted people to know, but not this way. I wanted to step out of the closet on my own, not because someone dragged me out. Chalk up yet another loss, hand over more control.
To end on a better note, I have decided to take the high road, put away tha claws, and be the bigger person. I sent a text to the co-worker to tell her I was praying... Because I am, for real... Yes, I was/am1ill be for a while hurt. Yes, I am disappointed that "friends" didn't handle it better, or at least in the way I requested when they asked how to tell me. but she's worried and hurting and possibly losing a baby, and needs to be dealing with that. So I put on my bi#g gi#rl p#an#ties and I'm dealing with it. I may not have lost a baby (we've never made it that far), but I *have* lost the dream of a biological child. As most infertiles know, it is definitely possible to grieve for and miss someone who never really existed.
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