Ugh. At least that part is over... No more showers (that I know of) for at least 9 months, as she is the only pregnant person I know, who's shower I could NOT avoid. (I feel obligated to attend the showers of family members, regardless of my emotional state at the time... grrrr....)
So back to yesterday.... S-I-L did my shopping, which was nice... About as close to a Personal Shopper as I'll probably ever get... She offered, and I usually make myself go buy gifts for showers, but this time I decided, hey, she's offering, she has good taste and is a mom so knows what to get (or not), and this one time I can avoid it. (Wow. I used to write with awesome grammar. Seriously. I had a teacher once in high school who spent hours trying to find one tiny little something wrong with a paper, because nobody else got a 100... She gave up) Sigh... Moving on...
Anyway, it was hubby's first cousin, so I kind of felt obligated to go. This is like the only extended family hubby's family gets together with. And the first child born to our generation for his cousins' family. And she had at least one m/c that she told us about before this pregnancy. So, like obligated in triplicate or something.
I assumed this would be at her church, and I could get hubby to stick around in the parking lot, so that if things got too hard I could just escape to the bathroom or hall or something and give him a call to crank the truck and get me outta there. Wrong. It was at her aunt's (other side of her family) house. 45 minutes away from home. Not "in town," but in the middle of nowhere. Hubby couldn't exactly sit in there driveway and wait for me, and it would be a lot more noticeable if I slipped out of such an intimate little gathering. And I rode with my m-i-l, s-i-l, and 5-year-old niece. Who had to be there 30 minutes early, because they were bringing part of the food.
Part of the food... Did I mention I had some cookies and a Dr Pepper in Sunday School, and assumed we would at least swing through a drive-thru on the way to the torture, ah, I mean shower? Yeah, no... Shower-food was lunch. Have I mentioned I had a migraine that started Saturday night? Migraine + no real food all day = not good. Migraine without physical activity as a cause at this time of the month = go away AF, I really can't deal with you right now...
The food... I quickly figured out that if I kept my mouth full, I was okay. That's what worked this time. I had some questionable moments, especially when one of her cousins (again, other side of her family) started talking about going out of state in 3 weeks to adopt a newborn and hoping to be there for the birth, etc... But I had food in my mouth, so I was okay. Fastforward to everyone is done eating, I go back for more sausage balls because they take the longest to chew, and she is about to open her gifts. Enter a couple of great-aunts, one of which I give my seat on the couch to... My plate with sausage balls is on the table, there are a couple of people between me and my food, but she's already opening gifts now, and I'm trying to stay out of the way.
I'm getting really extremely MAD at myself at this point, because I'm trying hard NOT to cry -- I am NOT going to screw up someone else's happy time because of my broken heart -- and the harder I try NOT to cry, the more the tears are threatening to fall... Deep breathing isn't really working anymore... Looking up at the ceiling, besides looking ridiculous and like I'm rolling my eyes at her gifts, stopped working when I started getting mad (getting angry also makes me cry dang it), biting my bottom lip, yeah that's not really doing the trick either.... Since I'm standing close to the hall, I finally just go to the bathroom (which thankfully isn't in use!!) when I can't hold it any longer. I really think I'm going in there just to blow my nose, and if I get away for a minute, I'll be fine... Insert pathetic, ineffective laugh here... I get in there and cry, there's no pulling it together for a minute or two... I'm trying to be quiet (HA), and I'm talking to myself (hopefully in my head only, but at this point, who knows), telling myself to get it together, you are NOT going to ruin this party, put your big girl p.anties on and DEAL with it while you have to.... Look in the mirror, it is obvious I have been crying... Grab some tissue, wet it, dab eyes, in a few minutes it's only obvious to those who really KNOW me (most of these people are complete strangers, thank God) that I've been crying. I know at least a couple of people saw me go to the bathroom, I've been in here long enough to be missed, and I have it together enough to make it through... I hope... Long story short, I go back out and make it through without any more tears slipping through, but let's just say I'd rather be at the dentist, and I HATE the dentist...
On the way home, I actually held it together as well... Didn't want to scare Niece, haven't really cried in front of M-I-L, and have managed to only let a few tears slip in front of S-I-L... Let's just say I do most of my crying alone. We talk a little about adoption, and the cousin-of-the-cousin who is not related to us adopting the baby out of state, and blah blah blah as women tend to do... So we drop off Niece and S-I-L, and M-I-L brings me home, we sit in the car for just a few minutes to chat, but we both have to study our lessons we are teaching at church in less than an hour. I go in, hubby is on a fire call (pretty decent foot doctor, needs to stop burning leaves and trees at his house, this is like the 3rd or 4th fire call to his house in the 5-or-less years he's lived there. Brilliant.) After all the punch and water I've drank trying to swallow my tears, you can guess where my first stop is. And you can guess what I find. Ugh. Bring on all those tears I did manage to keep back. But part of my prayer at that moment was thanking God that AF stayed away until after the shower, and I wasn't trying to keep the tears away AND popping the Midol at the same time. So instead of really "planning" a lesson, I red the paper, try to let my face return to normal, and find and open my book at the last minute. I am currently using a book I bought that has a lot of Old Testament stories in it, for pre-schoolers. I almost pulled out my hair when I opened to the next lesson, and it was titled something like "Sarah Has a Special Baby"..... For whatever reason, though, talking with children about pregnant women and babies and such with children, is usually very easy for me, even if we're talking about my lack of children or pregnancy. Hahaha, I had to laugh when I said that Sarah was very old when she had her first baby, and one of the boys looked directly at me, so serious, and said "As old as YOU?!?!?!" Um, actually as old as your great-great-grandma, little dude... "My friend at school's mom is like THIRTY-SOMETHIN' and she's JUST NOW having a BABY!!!!" Sheesh... thanks kid!!!
Sigh... So now cousin's baby is due in March (can't remember the date, I was just trying to pretend I was listening, without really listening, I can find out from S-I-L and prepare myself when the time comes)..... Wondering how exactly I'm going to pull this one off... With my sisters and S-I-L I'm generally okay, because hey, I'm the Fun Aunt, and here's another kid for me to spoil the heck out of, but with other people, it's different. This particular cousin, ugh... It's the one who told us on Friday they couldn't go to 6 F/lags with us, and called on Monday to say "Surprise!! We're pregnant!!!" Surprise, indeed...
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