Have I mentioned I really don't enjoy this time of the month? 5 days to go... 4 if you don't count today, which is mostly over... It could be any day, but (even though I don't dare say it out loud, and hesitate to type it) I hope against hope that each day with no AF means one more day into pregnancy. It could happen, right?
I've been praying... Now this sounds silly, but I finally admitted to God that I do, indeed, want to become pregnant. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but up to this point I've been all "I only want it if YOU want it, God!" While I wish my heart was there, the truth is it's just not. Now, honestly, if it never happens, then I'll be okay with that. Argh, I sound so contradicting!! Is it okay to want something AND know you'll be okay if it never happens? Do I REALLY mean I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant, if I would give up so easily? Does it make me a terrible, horrible, unworthy mother-to-be-somehow, if I say "I want it, but I know I'll move on if I don't get it"???????????? I've heard it gets easier as time goes on, but right now, I'm finding the opposite is true. Each cycle is one less chance... Would this one have had my hair or eyes? Would this one have shared my nephews' sense of humor, or my niece's love of princesses AND rough-housing? Something's gotta give, dude! Now I'm giving my eggs their own personalities.... Hahaha, and I said I wouldn't become that crazy infertile....
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