"You deserve it!"

So, why do I seem to always feel like every *else* deserves the things I want most? Examples: A friend, M, is happily married and has 3 kids under 4. My first thoughts when they visited our church? "If anybody deserves all the beautiful children they can handle, it is M. If IF had to happen to one of us, I'm glad it was me!" M grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father, and she and her mom took the brunt of his abuse. It brings me a lot of joy to see her so happy with those beautiful babies. K has been through IF, and is in the process of foster/adoption classes. She and her hubby have been able to keep 3-year-old twins in their home for several weekends, and should know by Jan whether or not the parents' rights will be terminated, then they can adopt the kids. My first thoughts? "She deserves it!! They've been married for 5 years, ttc for a long time... One failed adoption because the country shut the process down. Lots of difficult times. Hubby and I haven't been waiting that long, really. It's their turn, and they deserve this more." Yet another girl, A, recently adopted a newborn straight from the hospital. My thoughts, yet again, "They deserve it!! They've been married and ttc FOREVER, been through a lot... It's past time they get to enjoy a beautiful little girl." I slipped out of her shower as to not mess up what was rightly a very happy occassion. Again, another "A" friend, should be traveling to China pretty soon to finally meet in person the little girl she has met through pictures. My thoughts on that one? "They deserve it!! After finding out their 3rd child had a terminal chromosomal problem, and living on earth for 9 minutes... They DESERVE so much to have their adoption process flow smoothly and be back home with their older daughter, son, and new little Chinese angel SOON!!"
It really does bring me great joy when I learn about other couples receiving and welcoming new babies into their families. Only someone who has "been there" can know how it is so comflicting to also feel that twinge of "I wish it were me..." When I leave another shower trying to cover up my tears... When I leave the hospital with empty arms... When I can hardly finish my meal and leave the restaurant because someone just made a very public announcement yet again... When people tell me hwo they've missed me in the choir, and I can't tell them that I quit going up there because it just hurts too much... Ya know, I'm trying to enjoy this lazy Saturday, while hubby is gone yard-sale-ing and running errands... But I would gladly give this kind of day up, for my own piece of good news. Just wish I knew why I feel that everyone else deserves it and I don't!