I don't even want to ask what's next....

This week, oh this week!!! Monday brought keys locked in car, for the second time in less than 6 months. Up to this point, I'd never done that! What is up? Only this time, instead of being relatively close to home, I was an hour away making deliveries.... Thankfully, not in one of the more "shady" (ahem, not like trees-shady, people hahaha) places, but at a mental health center (bad enough, I guess).... So this time, I just walk back in and go "Hey, y'all know a good locksmith?" And about 15 or 20 minutes later, I'm on my way, less $40, and making a mad dash back to the other town I deliver in to make 3 deliveries before 5pm.... Barely made it, only to be blessed out by some old b#&%$... Sorry, she was.... (No, I do NOT know my way around your ghetto part of town, lady, I didn't drive here until I got this job!! Neither do I keep the whole OFFICE in my car!!) Ugh....
Tuesday went a lot better, kept my keys with me.... But.... And there's always a but, isn't there? A state medica.id worker came in to update us on some law junk... Our pharmacist says "I hate to ask, but are you...?" And they proceed to bask in pregnancy-related talk... And apparently this lady had "some trouble" getting pregnant and had been through "some procedures," so c'mon, shouldn't you be a little more sensitive here? I just kept my mouth shut, did my best to keep the tears away, kept my back to them, and kept my thoughts to myself even after she left.
Today... Good grief, I thought it was over!! Went out to my car, cranked it... And 2 of my baby kitties run out from under it... Turn off the engine, get out, look under my car for the other two, don't see them, get back in, back out slowly, no kitties anywhere, assume they're @ our house, start driving.... THUMP.... Look in the rearview, sure enough, there's a dead kitten. Turn around, go back home, crying like crazy, call my parents so my dad can come bury my kitty, have to call hubby to ask where the shovel is (locked in the shed), so Daddy takes it to his house to bury it... Yeah, he was laughing at me when they pulled up. Now, Sunday afternoon, we came home to find Mama Kitty dead, either from being ran over or from being attacked by a dog, hard to tell which.... I wasn't too upset by that... She was a stray who took up at our house, and spent time between our house and about 3 others, mostly ours.... But those kitties, I only pretend to hate. We "rescued" the runt that was stuck in a box that Mama Kitty left to die, and while it's hard to tell them apart now, we **think** that's the one I killed.
I have tried really hard not to be one of "those infertiles".... You know, the one who really gets on peoples' nerves because everything goes back to infertility? It seems like the harder I try to avoid it, the more like that I become... I do still keep most of it to myself, but sometimes I don't really want to hang out with myself, honestly.... Which further isolates me and makes me stay home.... Which is just making things worse, I know....
So between running over the kitty and my parents arriving, these are my thoughts....
**I'm a terrible, horrible person to run over my own kitty.
**Especially a recently orphaned kitty, and now the other 3 not only have lost their mom, they have also lost a brother or sister..... TERRIBLE I tell ya!!!
**Good grief, I let the sea monkeys die, because I forgot to feed them.... I bought some weird plant/tree thing and killed it because I didn't really know how to take care of it.... And now I run over an ORPHANED kitty cat who just lost its mama who was an orphan too.... I WILL BE A TERRIBLE MOTHER!!! I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE AN ADOPTIVE PARENT BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN TAKE CARE OF ANIMALS AND PLANTS WITHOUT KILLING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheesh.... Maybe it **is** a good thing we can't get pregnant..... Could you imagine THOSE hormones?!?!
I have since calmed down, even though I'm still upset that I killed my own cat.... Tears in my eyes as we speak.... Did I mention my hubby and parets both thought an actual PERSON had died at first because I was so upset? Yeah..... I've ran over several other cats who ran out in the road, but never one of my own.... Now I'm not one of those P.Et.A freaks, and those kittens don't wear clothes or have people names (or any names at all, come to think of it! ha!), but let's just say hubby refers to himself as "Daddy" when he's talking to them. (He did not cry, by the way)
Anyway, I have since calmed down... I know that I will not forget to feed my children (I've heard they won't let you forget, hahaha).... I DO know how to take care of babies/kids, because I've done it all my life.... And chances are, I won't be running over my formerly-orphaned children, because they will either be in the car with me or in the house..... The jury is still out on whether I "deserve" to be a parent, but I'm pretty sure my baby-handling skills are a lot more adept than my plant- and animal-handling skills.
This is getting long (as usual, yes?)... But a couple more things....
1) I have always prided (I hate to say prided? but it kind of fits? not really "proud," but eh, something? anyway....) myself on making it through a wholelotta crap in life without the aid of rX medication... (Or self-medicating, for that matter).... I've always said it's fine for people that need it, but it's just not something I need.... I need/want to experience things as they happen, deal with it, and move on.... But.... (And once again, isn't there ALWAYS a stupid "but?!?!") The more junk that keeps happening, the more I would like just a little something to take the edge off.... I don't want any controlled substances or anything like that, just a small little something to make me just a little less likely to lock my keys in my car or completely lose it over a stupid cat. I said I would never get to this point, but it seems like IF is taking over my life, and I. Don't. Like. It. One. Bit. But gee, I've made it through some unbelievable stuff without anything, so why can't I just "make myself" keep moving along like I always have? It's starting to affect **every** area of my life (TMI on the way) including the bedroom. Ugh....
2) On a completely random note, why in the world do I keep catching a scent of fresh dirt at the oddest times? Driving doen the road, working in the pharmacy, sitting in the house..... Man, am I I really just losing it this time?