She came.....

AF decided to show up between the yard sale-ing and the 4-year-old birthday party. You know, the one with 5 million pregnant Mamas running waddling around. Saturday night, we had to stop at W*lM*rt to buy gifts for the baby shower that was today (Sunday).... So first I went over and picked up some pads for myself, made my hubby pick out the card (because I didn't think I could read all those baby cards), then trudged over to the baby stuff and bit my lip, sucked it up, and bought lots of baby paraphenalia. Hubby thought I was just tired because we got up way early. Managed to make it out of the store without crying. Managed to make it through the birthday party with no tears. Fought away the tears during the baby shower. My mom made me cry tonight when I was at my older sister's house (the one who had the miscarriage a few months ago), talking about the miscarried baby, but somehow we also found ourselves laughing at it too. The connection is there for the 3 of us: my mom had 2 or 3 miscarriages between my older sister and me; my sister has had one; and I will likely never make it to that point. I hope our younger sister never has to be connected to us in that way.
***************CONFESSION TIME ***********************
I DO want to have a baby. Okay, there, I said it. For so long I've said I was okay with not experienceing child birth, that it was not something I HAD to do, that adoption would be my thing and that's what I really wanted anyway. But oh, how I do want it! I want to be the one with the big belly that everyone is making comments over. I want to go through the process of giving birth. I want to pick my baby up out of that hospital bassinet. I can picture myself hovering over his/her crib, telling other people how I want MY baby cared for. I want to know what a combination of hubby and me would look like. Someone once asked how you could miss someone who never existed. When your arms are empty, it's really easy....