Okay, after a 3-month break from a 5-post blog... I got married, had a change of address, obtained a new job, I'm Not pregnant, and those people who were going to laugh when I got pregnant on the honeymoon are now seeing their grins slowly start to fade. Not a lot has changed, and yet everything has changed! Everything is new and different, but I'm already comfortable in my new roles as wife, housekeeper, pharmacy tech. Just some random thoughts....
**The first AF after marriage wasn't that bad. A little disappointed, sure, but hey, we all knew it would happen. So my little bubble was burst, the doctor was right, and I realized this is NOT something I coud change with positive thinking.
**There has been times I *thought* I *might* be pregnant, but each time AF quickly showed me that it was merely wishful thinking. Have even thought of buying a test, "just to make sure," but that little voice in the back corner of my brain is going "Whatever for? Stop hoping for something that will never happen!"
**The realization that I do NOT have what it takes.... Could I really go through with all the procedures I have read about? Do I really want to try such things, with the understanding that in all likelyhood, none of them will work? I don't like needles.... So the first gyno visit was NOT the horror people said it was, but I've read it's nothing compared to IF visits. I am seriously doubting that I am strong enough to follow through with all I've read about! Fly to another country where I don't speak the language? Yes! Rely on complete strangers to process paperwork and translate for me? Sure! Stay in sad foreign country alone if my husband has to leave early to go back to work? Right on! But put me in the stirrups and aahhhhhh.... No thanks! And yet, I still am asking DH when we can make that urologist appt. I'm still wanting to find out if what we've been told is really true.
**My older sister had a miscarriage. this was the pregnancy in which I would live vicariously through her. Sooooooo sad. One appt, everything was okay and my 3-year-old nephew was letting us know the heartbeat sounded like a baby horse, but that his mom was NOT having a baby horse. The next appt, there was no heartbeat. She should have been 18 weeks and a day, but the baby was at least 4 or 5 weeks behind. It was a boy. It was about 8 inches long. I spent the night at her house, looked after my nephews most of that week. The day of "the procedure," I kept the boys at her house while the rest of the family went to the hospital. I wanted to be there, wanted to ask to see the baby, but I stayed where I was needed most. The night before, after the boys were in bed, I bent down, kissed her stomach, and told my baby nephew that I loved him and would see him in heaven. And I start to cry whenever I remember that moment...
**My father-in-law has just diagnosed with prostate cancer, and will see a surgeon later this month. They caught it early, just a few spots it seems, and he's opting for surgery to remove his prostate and get rid of all the cancer. This is the best kind to have, they say, and he should be fine after surgery. We'll see....
So now it's just a wait-and-see deal. DH has mentioned kids in a couple of years, so probably after our first anniversary, we will begin to work on paperwork and discuss where exactly this adoption will take place. I'm open to embryo adoption, I think, but we still have to discuss that, and will probably discuss it with our pastor, too. And of course, I will probably continue to think that I might be pregnant, then decide my mind is playing tricks on me, then AF will come and that will be that. Welcome back to blogger land!