Pretending I'm not here... And kindergarten is starting

Newsflash!! BCP's don't cure infertility. Who knew? I've been avoiding the internet under the guise of being more organized and focusing more on cleaning house and preparing for adoption.... As if by not participating in the infertile community and starting bcp's, I could cure all of my infertile problems. And B.illy M.ays wasn't on crack.
What can I say? We're not currently ttc. We're not yet preparing for adoption. I suppose I'm trying to go backwards and learn that step I kind of skipped: the young(okay, young-ISH) couple, relatively newlyweds, with no kids and few commitments and not a care in the world. I don't really know how to act, what with this non-timing of going to bed together. It is odd to not think about or make plans around ovulation. We never really did that. I suppose I'm trying to normalize things, but it's really kind of impossible to just leave all of the infertile stuff behind and go back to life before IF.
2 of 6 babies are starting kindergarten on Monday. And a young cousin. Somehow, in less than 4 hours, I am delivering homemade cupcakes (that I have yet to make!) to 3 houses and finding out about first days and new friends and big kid school. Did I mention I've never made homemade anything? So it's really a boxed mix for the cake part, and my sister taught me to make icing with powdered sugar and cr/isco, so that part IS done. I still have to bake, add food coloring to the icing, and decorate. Apparently, the Sunday afternoon nap is not happenin' tomorrow!! But, we'll get home earlier than usual tomorrow night, because our let's-go-out-to-eat-after-church-friends are starting to kindergarten, too. I'm really sad that my babies are growing up so fast!! They're losing teeth and training wheels and going to school all day for 5 whole days a week!!!!!!! Can you imagine the train wreck I'll be when it really and truly is "MY" baby I'm sending to big kid school? Because even though it feels a million miles away, time will fly by once we do have kids of our own.

I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the earth....

Really, I haven't... So the verdict is (was?) a cyst. After some amount of work-related drama (did I already talk about this?), I decided to NOT wait another month and see "if" it was gonna happen again, so I have been on bcp's for 2 weeks now. I've still had some pain that kind of comes and goes, that dull ache that started all this mess.
Ah, bcp's... The place I never thought I'd go. Let's just say it was a pretty emotional day/decision, and work issues compounded those emotions, but at the end of the day I put on my big girl panties and swallowed my first pill. I've been gradually feeling better, and yesterday I was even productive in some housework I'd been neglecting. Not so much today, but we'll take it as it comes. I've missed all 6 of my babies like crazy, not getting to play like usual and pick them up to love on them, but that's all falling back into place as well. I've even cooked supper the past 2 nights, and plan to do so for the next 2 nights. The only reason I'm not cooking Friday night is b/c we have a R.uby Tues.day coupon that expires. Can't let the BOGO go to waste! ;)
I've also decided it's time to get serious about losing some weight. 20 or 30 lbs would be nice, but right now I'm working on 10. I've got about 5 to go. I just decided that since bcp's sometimes/usually mean weight gain, and I already wanted to lose, it was time to get serious. I'm down to one Dr Pe.pper a day (most days), and trying to cut back even farther... Trying to not buy lunch, but take pb&j and some bread, I've basically cut out snacking, and I'm trying to not eat more than 1 helping at supper. I have some grapes and apples, and actually dill pickles make a pretty good snack. I miss my chocolate, and my powdered donuts with a Coke, but I know it's going to be worth it in the end.
I promise to not be so long in posting next time.... I'm trying to decide where to take this little blog, but I have a post ruminating in my brain about a new movie that came out last week. Maybe in a few days. :)

Just had final meds for the night. Pain is worse, probably partly due to my going to work. Can't help it, it's the first of the month, and we only get 5 sick days, 2 of mine are gone.
Tomorrow's my appointment. And I've been fine, just kind of in let's-find-out-what's-wrong-and-fix-it-asap-mode, until tonight. I watched a few episodes of LA I.nk on t.lc, where K.ate v.on D had cysts removed. And they mentioned the C-word. And that made me pause for a minute. Yikes. that never crossed my mind!! (Insert huge eye-roll here) I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, and it's probably (hopefully) easily fix-able, but it just makes ya think.
More news tomorrow night.

More Medical Stuff...

So hubby called the doctor's office I visited Monday morning. I found out that said office did in fact attempt to contact me Monday evening, by leaving a message on my cell. Ya know, after we called them repeatedly from our HOME PHONE NUMBER!!!!!!!! Back to today... They "couldn't tell him anything" because I didn't "sign the Hip.pa release." Ya know, THE ONE THEY DIDN'T OFFER?!?! So she DID manage to tell him that she mailed a letter to me today (ARE you FREAKIN KIDDIN' ME???? Two days AFTER I rolled over and died, you MAIL a LETTER that I may or may not get tomorrow or Friday or next week??????????) She did manage to tell him that all she could say was I need to follow up with my gyn "in the next few weeks." Ya know, AFTER my funeral!!!!!!!!!

Sigh... So I'm not really dying, but c'mon. Their music was way too loud, they were more concerned about who did or did not want B.urger K.ing for lunch than any other patient, one of the nurses was yelling at the others about documentation errors, the flippin' doctor had no CLUE what was going on.... And now all that junk. Somebody is begging for a piece of my (currently, rather med.icated, in-pain and therefore slightly grouchy) mind.

So after 2 years, 2 months of ttc with known extreme male factor infertility, it looks like it's my turn. Yay. I would appreciate thoughts/prayers for Friday @ 3, when I see a *real* doctor. And can I just say, hydr.ocodon.e/ibupro.fen 7.5/2OO, plus half a pro.methaz.ine 25mg is quite the knock-out.

The Sad, Empty Uterus

So first, I spent the better part of yesterday in doctor's offices and hospitals, and am full of painkill.ers, so if none of this makes sense, you know why. A dull, nagging ache in my lower left abdomen turned into oh-my-heavens-I-think-I'm-dying. Which led to vomitting and a monster migraine, probably from no Dr P.epper and eating 2 crackers all day.
Doc-in-a-box ordered a u/s, so I tried to pay attention. All I saw was a sad, empty uterus. We decided to use an OPK this month, so I was actually half-hoping for an ec.topic. Isn't it sad and somewhat twisted that I've made it to that point, that I would actually want an ec.topic, just so I would know it was actually possible for me to get pregnant? Not that I really knwe what I was looking for, but all I saw was emptiness. You know, except for my bladder that the girl kept pressing on. The current semi-diagnosis is o.varian c.ysts, but I couldn't get in to see my gyn until Friday afternoon.
Yet another sign to move on, ya think? We decide to "try" again (not that we've NOT been trying, mind you, but trying a little harder), and I end up in the ER. I'm not making any decisions while I'm awesomely medicated, but it seems like this may be the end of the trying. Does it make me a sissy that I would give up so easily? There are women who endure a lot more than 24 hours in doctors and er's. My hats off to all of you! I haven't really felt "good" in a long time. AF has gotten worse and worse in more ways than one. And now we're talking cysts. I'm thinking about talking to my gyn about throwing in the towel and going for a little bc. A sad place to be, but it will also free up a lot of time, space, pain, and some money for adoption. 10 months from yesterday... Time to quit trying to be reproductive, and start cleaning up and out my house and heart, to prepare for a little (or big) one that is extremely possible to come home.

The Dreaded Announcement, as always followed by the Dreaded Question

So instead of coming home to clean house tonight like I'd planned, my older sister needed help with the boys. Of course I put my housework on the back burner (ugh, my house is gonna evict me one day soon!)
B-I-L's cousin came over while we were playing outside. (Former) d.rug addi.ct, who was worried about g.iving b.irth again simply because of the p.ain m.eds. You guessed it... She's expecting her second. Pardon me for not being thrilled, on so many levels. Thankfully the middle boy and his cousin were then tangled on the ground fighting over a toy, so the Fun A.unt went to break it up.
When I came back, my sister had resumed her flower planting, and I was really trying to avoid the Question(s) that follow The Announcement. My response was something like well, we don't really know.... Which is true, we don't really know, because adoption takes a long time. And we're still 10 months from applying. It always catches me off guard, and I'm never really prepared to give the answer I can type out so easily. That, and the computer won't ask me questions I'm not prepared to answer --- and if it does, I can turn it off, mull it over, and come back later! When I got home, hubby was on the phone with his aunt (the one with the new grandchild), who apparently has planned for all of us to get together Thurs. night to swim and eat. Hubby has a test to finish out his fire class, so he told aunt that he would come when he was finished, but that I would probably be more than happy to come when I got off work. Uh, thanks, dude. I just cried my way home, and now you're volunteering me to go hang out with in-laws with a new baby, who always bring up the subject of "So, you know it's YOUR TURN now!!!"
Sitting here staring at an empty container of B'en and Je'rry's cho.c fu.dge browni.e, wishing I had more than a few spoonsful. Kinda glad I don't, because I'm attempting to lose some weight again. Which is kinda impossible when you're already feeling down. Because darn it, maybe I can't make babies, but I can throw down on some food. And chocolate always helps.
Sigh.... I should be in bed right now, because the OPK says it's time... If I just had the energy. Ha. One day, I will have the energy, be skinny again, not pay attention to the time, have a clean house, AND smile and tell the truth when asked The Question. For now, I'll just make a stop and pick up some more ice cream tomorrow after work. My friends B.en and J.erry never ask me questions, or comment on my cycle, weight, or house.

So I'm a slacker...

....Or just trying to survive, maybe? Headache Central around here. Since Sunday. You know, as in a week from tomorrow. It hasn't been this frequent for many years. I take the E.xcedr!n M.!graine, it goes away, and either later in that day or the next morning, it's back.
And I'm tired. And I want to sleep. And I di not want to clean house or wash dishes or regain order in my closet. Laundry is getting washed and dried, and dumped on the growing pile in the living room.
I have managed to play with most of the kids, and hubby is trying to help where he can.
Monday brings chaperoning to a theme-and-waterpark-rolled-into-one. I've basically got a 3-day weekend, followed by a 3-day week, then another 3-day weekend. Friday, we are closed, but hubby hsa to work. I keep telling myself that this is the day I will completely clean house, organize chaos, and even start cleaning out the spare room and trying to get rid of useless (to us) junk.
You know, if my head's not hurting.