Hi, I'm the infertile, adoptive mom, playing the role of the birthmom... Or, a drama of irony

But first, our little guys are doing great. Still trying to undo over 4 years of the oldest never having to follow any rules at all, and some recent potty issues with the little dude, but over all we are good! So, we are doing this drama at church, and I was approached to be the leading lady. She has terminal cancer, and ultimately has to tell her husband and daughter that she placed a child for adoption when she was in college. Me. The infertile, adoptive mom. Playing the part of the birthmom. Well, emotion .will not be difficult .... I want to do this right, and good, and believable, and be respectful of birthmoms. And adopted persons. And moms with cancer. And surviving family. But mostly, I want to do the role of birthmom justice. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. I already see some adoption language I am going to respectfully ask to be changed. I do think my children will be spending that service in the nursery, even though they are both too old for the nursery. They would definitely pay attention. They would be freaked out that mommy is crying on stage. They are already asking for a sister, and the oldest would probably make a connection, and ask why I have never told him that he does have a sister. It brings up lots of thoughts and feelings, and I will definitely be coming back to pound out my thoughts here. For now, any birthmoms want to weigh in on thongs I should or should not do or say?

So, About That Wait...

So, last time I blogged, I was contemplating a new blog, and I was settling into being content to wait. The next week, we got a call. Two brothers, ages 2 and 4, need to be moved asap, would we like to learn more? And in less than a week, they were moving in. At the end of the month, we will be signing adoption papers and waiting for a court date to finalize their adoption. It has been a long, short, crazy, dramatic, wonderful, hard three months.

I need a new space...

I've been thinking... And I feel like it's time for a move. Infertility is no longer full of insanity. I am less NotTheMama, and more the Childless Mama, waiting for her children to come home. It was a rough few years... I definitely had my moments, good and bad, but IF no longer defines me. We didn't try every procedure, or even any to be exact. In fact, as far as deliberately trying to conceive, it has been a rather half-hearted attempt at best! Sure, I did some temp charting, kept up with the calendar pretty accurately, and we did at least check into our options for ART. That one appointment we actually kept, was enough. The solutions I researched beforehand confirmed to be our only options, and we were okay with cancelling subsequent appointments.
This has been a good, mostly anonymous space to vent my frustrations, fears, and grief. I was able to say what I needed to say, mostly without fear of being judged... I happen to be one who mostly tries to be careful not to hurt the feelings of friends and family, to a fault, and this blog was an outlet to say things I needed to get out, that I would never have actually said***to*** them.
Where did this come from? I think it is a combination of several factors. Several of the blogs I started out reading have closed, so at first, I wondered if it was just that uncomfortable everyone-else-is-doing-it-Ness. Then it didn't go away. A big factor is that I have reached a huge amount of IF closure. We will always be infertile; I will never carry a child in my body; I have accepted this. Sure, there are still sad moments... But they are just that - moments, exceptions to the norm. I suspect that I will continue to feel uncomfortable at baby showers, but perhaps after our children come home, I will once again find myself enjoying them. I feel like if there was a shower I really needed to attend, I could do so without hiding out in the bathroom, and without over-eating just to keep my hands and mouth busy. I'm not saying all things infertile are perfect, but I'm definitely in a much better place.
Perhaps the biggest reason is my children. I wouldn't want them to come here and read the bitter, pain-filled posts I know are there. I'm no longer that person. I would want them to know that they are my first choice, not a last resort. I would also want them to know that I fully grieved what could never be, before and while I prepared for what was to come. My former pain is not theirs to shoulder. It's time to focus my attention on getting ready for them to come home, it's time to prepare to be TheMama.
And so it ends... It feels like that last night of my summer camp job. Everything is packed up, cleaned out, ready for the next staffer to move in. You've got my email adress, or you can leave a comment (promise I will check back). It's been a good few years, and hard, and made easier by your comments and thoughts. Now it is time to turn out the lights, take a final look around, and drive away, knowing I'll miss the comfortable familiarity of this space, but ready to move on to the next blog.
Which, by the way, has yet to be named or claimed. Guess I will come back for an encore to let ya know where I've moved!

We've been approved!!!

Pardon the month-long pause. Hubby and I got new phones, and it took me some time to figure out how to get to my blog, and remember passwords and such. Of course December is a busy month, with parties and gatherings and special church things and we were home even less than usual.
I didn't get my Christmas wish... We were not approved, I didn't get to at least see a picture of our potential children there was no word at all. I was kind of bummed, but thankful to not have a lot of time to dwell on it.
Imagine my surprise, then, when we were finally approved in the first week of the year!!! So now we are officially
"just" waiting for a match. We were approved for 1-2, and possibly 3, children of any sex or race, toddlers, or up to age 8 if a toddler is included in the sibling group. Okay, to be honest, 3 kind of scares me, and 1 would be the most spoiled child ever, so I'm really hoping for 2! 8 years old is a little intimidating... That's the ages of our oldest niece and nephew and WOW.... This actually IS our first rodeo, so I'd be more comfy with younger than 8!
It could be next week... Or next month... Or next YEAR, for all we know. We will be retaining the same SW we have been working with, who should probably be given a bloggy name. We are gonna give it some time, as our letter of approval was mailed this week... Maybe next week we will call her to see if there are any prospects.
In some ways, it's nice to finally be at this point... We are ONLY waiting on a referral, not more hoops through which to jump. Each leg of this journey has its own unique challenges.. We've only been in this stage for a week, and already I have several things going through my mind. Let's keep this happy, though, and brief... We have been approved, and are just waiting to meet our children!!! Yay for progress!!!

And then, I got over it

Just in case you were wondering, no I didn't go over the edge. After a good way-over-due cry, I had a much better day. People need help, plans change. Yeah, it stinks and it hurt my feelings, but I'll live. One day, it will be my turn.
That being said... My mom and I happen to be taking vacation days the Tues and Wed after Christmas. I told her last night that she is MINE for one of those days and I.Will.NOT.SHARE. With anyone ;)
We'll see if that works out in my favor!

Just Once...

Just once... I would like to be SOMEone's top priority, just because. Not because I'm the only one who can keep their kids, not because nothing better came along, but just because they think I matter more than fill-in-the-blank.
Just once... I would like for someone to call and ask what help I might need, not to ask for yet another favor.
Just once... I would like someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, or even an okay job, instead of only calling when there is a problem.
Just once... I would like to go out to eat with just me and my mom, instead of our date being crashed, or cancelled altogether, because of other people's kids.
Just once... I would like for someone to call me back when they say they will, instead of waiting for me to call a day/week/month later because there has been no response.
Just once... I would like for someone to do what they promise, when they promise.
just once... I would like for someone to not freak out when I say I'm not putting up a Christmas tree at all this year.
Just once, I'd like someone to understand instead of condemn me for doing/thinking/acting/choosing differently than they would.
Just once... And it doesn't have to be the whole list in the same week/year/decade.
It would just be nice to hear someone say, "you matter. Period." Just once. Is that really too much to ask?

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Really, so much to be thankful for. The usual- God, family, friends, a job, a house, my car has been repaired and we will pick it up this weekend, our relatively good health, etc.
It's bittersweet. I pray that my children are fast asleep somewhere safe, or perhaps peacefully in bed, falling asleep to the comforting sounds of their foster mother bustling around the kitchen. I pray that next Thanksgiving Eve, I'm busy taking little ones back to bed, that next Thanksgiving morning I am snuggled on the couch with them, watching the parade on tv in our pajamas.
I'm thankful we're as far along as we are- took a fellow blogger's advice and we called the state ourselves to see where we are in the process. We're so close, and will find out exactly "where" we stand sometime next week.
I really am thankful. I left work, ran to the store to get the last 2 items, went to choir practice, and hubby washed dishes for me when we got home. I have 6 (or was it 7?) casseroles assembled in the fridge, ready to throw in the oven, 1 pan of brownies and pasta salad ready. Great family, awesome friends... How many people are so loved they are pulled in 4 directions for 2 meals? I mean, if that's our problem for tomorrow, what is there to complain about?

Perspective

Hubby and I went to clean out my car tonight. Last night, after hearing it might be totaled, I was rather frustrated. I was happy with my car, we are still paying for it, and our goal was to pay it off, then buy hubby a truck. Having only 1 vehicle payment is a lot nicer than 2... Working out logistics for 2 working people and 1 car stinks.
Tonight, I have a new perspective. I didn't realize just how bad it was. Had we been going any faster at all, I might have had the whole windshield in my lap, not just tiny fragments. Our repairman said it hit closer to the roof, rather than full-on windshield, and that kept the deer from coming in on me. He also said the airbags should have deployed- which would have meant more injuries for us both. Hubby had a bottle of water up to his mouth on impact, and I was reading something on my phone.
Less than a year ago, we buried my uncle after a horrific crash. We spent several days at the hospital with him. That smell, those memories... Wow.
My hubby helped me clean out my car - not the clothes from our room. I have a cut on my pinkie that isn't looking so great - not multiple broken bones. Last night, my mom baked my birthday cake - instead of someone bringing her food to the hospital and making her eat it. I cleaned out my fridge tonight - instead of laying in bed (or worse) and letting someone else do it.
It truly is all about perspective.

Oh, Deer!

I turned 30 today. Just so happens, it was also Season Pass Appreciation Day at S*ix Fl*ags. Hubby and I loaded up late last night and drove over, so I could both sleep late, and enjoy the day.
As we stepped in line for our second roller coaster, and walked right up to the loading dock, I thought, "I want to turn 30 every year!" Rather chilly, but so awesome to not wait in line for 1-2 hours. They closed at 6, so we were gonna grab some supper and get in early. Some g*oogling and gps'ing was taking us to a bbq restaurant we have close to home, that we knew would be yummy.
We're 6 miles away, driving on a dark, busy, 5-lane road... BAM!!!! Out of nowhere, our windshield just explodes! On my side... Hubby did an awesome job keeping us steady, maneuvering through traffic to the side of the road. I look up and see something pointing at me. I thought something came through the windshield and stopped inches from my face. Whew, okay, that was just the visor.
We both determine we are okay, and are trying to figure out what in the world just happened. I have tiny pieces of glass all over my clothes and hands.
This guy knocks on our window and tells us a truck hit a deer, and he saw the deer then hit our car and go flipping through the air. He was kind enough to stay with us until the police arrived.
It took a good 20 minutes or so for the police to find us. We had no clue where we were, I could only give them the road name based on the gps. He said we couldn't drive home, because the windshield was too damaged. He said we would either get a ticket, or the windshield would collapse on us. He did allow us to drive on to the restaurant to wait for a tow truck, since hubby could still see fairly well out of his side.
My car? I don't even care. It can be fixed. Or we can get another one. Aggravating, for sure, but hubby and I work near each other. He will have to go in early, and I will have to stay late, but we're okay! Can't say washing my hands felt good - several small scratches and cuts, but wow. The tow truck driver said we were very fortunate the deer did not totally break through the glass. He worked another wreck where that did happen. The deer did not die on impact, and it kicked and kicked through the glass, seriously injuring one of the guys in the car. Hubby could've lost control and slammed into the other traffic. It stinks, but I told him - maybe that was saving us from something worse happening further down the road.
So, 30 has started out with a bang - quite literally! I'm hoping for fewer deer, but more excitement. Namely good news from the state.

Dumb, followed by torture

I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I saw the title for this year's Christmas cantata for the adult choir. If there's one Christmas song I could place in a box and hide away from the rest of the world, it would be M*ary Did You Know... (Sorry, Mark, it's just a difficult song!)
If you don't know, that song is written "to" Mary, the mother of J*esus, asking her if she knew her baby boy would do the things He did and be the thing He is. You should definitely g*oo*gle it, but get a tissue handy first. I'll wait...
So that's the title of our musical this year. Of course, MDYK is in it. Tonight, for the first time, I heard the song before MDYK, which is a solo... Written from the perspective of Mary. "Mommies and Daddies" are the first stinkin' words, and the song talks about imagining what your child will be when they grow up, and who would imagine He would be a King?
In my mind, I crossed my arms over my chest, stomped my foot, and said "this is a DUMB song!" Really, it's a good song, and I like it, but it stings. I long to hold my children, to meet them and know them, so I *can* have dreams for them. I managed to keep the tears away. Even though I started thinking about how a few months ago, when we started practicing this music, I was still thinking I might have to sit out because I could be holding my babies*. It doesn't look so likely now, and Christmas morning has the potential to be painfully quiet and very sad. But I didn't cry.
Then we started singing MYDK... I tried really, really hard not to cry. It's not just the words, but the feelings and thoughts that song brings with it. It's torture, really, for me to try to sing it. At first, I thought it would just be a few tears I could easily wipe away. Yeah, except not. I quietly left the choir loft and went to the bathroom.
It's not the first year I've struggled through a musical. I just thought it would be soooooo different this year.


*I guess, technically, it could still happen. The optimistic side of me is holding out hope. The realistic side is trying to prepare for another quiet, childless Christmas.

It feels wrong...

So, as we continue to wait, I continue to think and dream and pray. As we get (hopefully) closer to an adoption placement becoming our reality, I get more specific... Except...
Except it feels soooooo incredibly wrong to pray for TPR. It's a necessary step to make our kids become our kids... But I'm having trouble getting excited over it. Think about what a drastic change, and for so many people. No parent wants to be told their child is being permanently taken away. No child truly wants to leave Mama and Daddy, I don't care what that sulky teenager says. And yet, we are waiting for that very thing. I do believe if someone were to come to me and tell me they were taking my children, the first phrase out of my mouth would be something like "over my dead body!" And yet, I am waiting for that to happen to someone else. It feels wrong to be excited.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... I do hope that we can maintain some kind of contact with some family member, but it's a game-changer for all of the above. They are losing someone they love. Little friends at school or church or wherever, who will grow up and one day wonder what happened to that little boy or girl...
And for the children... Yes, they will be coming to a "better" home, with more "suitable" parents, and smothered with hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love... But they will also be saying good-bye to family, friends, and an entire life - the only one they've ever known.
Everyone else is giving me nothing but excitement and happiness, but there is a part of me that realizes the brevity of the situation soon facing our children. Change is good, but change is hard. They don't call them growing PAINS for no reason. Any other adoptive moms feel the same?

With a Consultant

Hubby happened to run into our SW one day last week, while he was out for lunch. He said it kind of surprised him to see her, so he didn't ask her all the questions I probably would have, but she did mention that our study is with a consultant. So now, the SW is just waiting to hear back from the consultant.
Hubby was correct, I have several other questions! Looks like I will be stalking a local grocer where our SW holds a second job. ;) It doesn't hurt that their meat is cheaper than my usual big box store that carries everything. I'm wanting to know if I should hold on to my few remaining vacation days this year. I have a very specific question for her that we aren't really sharing with much of anyone just yet.
Every month that passes means our babies get a little older... They've been in the system a little longer... While I hope and pray they are in a loving FH, another month may mean more abuse, neglect, pain, bad memories. Another month away from Mama and Daddy. Another month closer to Christmas...
But really, overall I'm in a good place right now. The last couple weeks have been okay. Staying busy usually means I don't have time to dwell on the waiting, and there has definitely not been a shortage of things to do! I think I have cooked supper at home exactly once in 3 weeks. One more week of baseball for our oldest nephew, and we should have a little while before basketball starts up. Thankfully, those games are all on Saturday, so we should have a few week nights open again.
And now, I'm rambling... This bed sure is warm, but I really should be in the shower. Our pastor got married on Thursday, rather unexpectedly, so I'm sure it will be an exciting day at church! A nephew has a birthday party after. I'm not really sure, but I may be expected to start teaching again tonight, and I have no lesson... The busy-ness continues!

No News... But here are some books i read growing up!

Yeah, there's nothin' to report. All is quiet. But since I haven't posted since the end of September...
I was commenting on an author's blog, about my favorite character, and it brought back a lot of other characters I "grew up with" when I was little. So, let me share.
**ram*ona qu*imby... Yes, pretty sure it was the whole middle child thing. I wanted her to be real, so we could chat, and so I could be her friend.
**the girls from the Gi*rl Talk series. My mom understood my obsession with books, and even though we likely couldn't afford it, she signed me up for the book club. I received 3 books (a month? A few times a year? I don't remember)... She would have to hide them from me so I wouldn't read all 3 books the day they came in the mail.
**Ironically, the Box*car Children. I wanted to bring them home with me and let them be my brothers and sisters.
***Goo*sebu*mps. Even though they freaked me out, even though a few terrified me... ME, the scaredy-cat child who jumped at her own shadow...
If I had "my own" money, you can be sure I was buying books. In college, I would easily spend a paycheck on books.
Of course, now I have other things to spend money on, such as a house, car, etc. I don't have as much time to read. One day, though, I hope to instill that same love of books in my children.

Where were we again?

Oh yes. We were waiting. With sketchy details.
Well... We're still waiting. Thanks to a friend's connection, we found out it was indeed finished X weeks ago. Which, according to my calculations, means we "should" hear something by Y holiday. IF X + Y does NOT equal Z, we should hear something by holiday Q. So between Z and Q, we should know we have been approved. Confused yet? Me too.
An aquaintance of a friend is trying to find out more info, and possibly help us out a little. Which makes me want to lean towards Z holiday, which happens sooner than Q, but last time that magic date was delayed a couple months, so I kinda don't wanna get my hopes up.
So emotional... The tears, the blank stares, the desire to just stay home. It's safe to say I'm coping a little less well. I'm gonna make it, it's just not real fun. Holding on to the light at the end of the tunnel, praying it's not a train, but tensing up all the same.
I'm thinking about a lunch date with some local people. 2 ladies from church, a pastor's wife from another local church, who all have adopted. I just need to be with people who speak my language. Who "get" why I'm so on edge, who don't bat an eye at my crazy emotions, and understand that I wasn't **really** crying because my husband was late to a pl*ay he and I were in at church. I need to be with people who have waited and survived.
And finally, I just remembered... Today is the day I was supposed to go shopping at the ki*ds cons*ignment sale. Because we were supposed to know something by now. I should have been hanging out with my sisters, having a good time. It's probably just as well... AF is a jerk, and I had to take mu*cin*ex D this afternoon. Where's that chocolate ice cream?

Explanation, kind of

Hubby talked to the supervisor Friday. We got some kind of news - I wouldn't exactly call it an explanation. Sketchy information is a bit more accurate.
She apologized, said she meant to call. (So why did she not call?) She can't remember exactly when she received our study (according to SW that was 2 days after our last visit, 2 months ago), but she thinks it was about 3 weeks ago (which, just in case you didn't know, is way less than 2 months)... She didn't get to look at it right away, and she doesn't really know the exact day she sent it, but she overnighted it. (Shouldn't there be some kind of record of what was sent on which day?) She will email the office it went to and make sure they received it. (But didn't tell hubby she would call back or let us know if/when it was received. But we can call and "bother" them anytime. (Okay, there's something I can live with!)
It can take "up to 2 months" for the state to approve. And even then, it doesn't mean we should expect any news, because we could face a looooong wait for the age we requested. (Not the "unofficial" story we were given! Or the "official" story given by another supervisor!) We should consider FC for those ages if we want it to happen quickly (um, kids stay in FC for a while before they are eligible to be adopted, and there are no guarantees). Hubby said the rest of the conversation included the word "foster," approximately every other word. FP's are great. Don't get me wrong - there's always a need for more FP's but that is just not what we were called to do!
I am curious to speak with our SW and get her take on this. I have some "unofficial" questions that would require "unofficial" answers. Someone is not shooting straight with us - but at this point, we have a sketchy "new" timeline. Of course, not knowing whether our study was overnighted 3 weeks ago or just this week, and "up to 2 months" doesn't really pinpoint a magic date or anything... But we do have some frame of reference, we do have a window of time that we "should" hear something. This feels familiar! Bureaucracy stinks!

Frozen, for only the millionth time

It's survival time. It seems like every time we hit a roadblock on this road to our children, I shut down. I can make it through work, albeit a bit quiter than usual, trying not to bite off any heads. I get home and I'm done.
We still don't have any news. C'mon, tell us **some**thing! Death in your family? Sickness? Something wrong in our paperwork holding it up? Just overwhelmingly busy? Misplaced? Buried under other paperwork? Waiting for our medicals to expire? Something else? Just some kind of explanation would be better than none at all!
Do I need to hang on to vacation days this calendar year? How long will it take to be approved once we are actually submitted? I have other questions too! I just can't ask them yet, "officially."
I'm really trying to hold off on all things snarky. The Mama Bear is really wanting to be unleashed, but for now hubby is handling all phone calls with much more diplomacy than I could muster.
What are our children doing while we wait?

The Prophetic Fawn

So earlier this week, I had to stop in my road for a fawn and her Mama. It's kind of hard to see on my road in the mornings on my way to work, and at first I couldn't tell what kind of animal was standing in the road. Mama quickly bounded across the road and over a fence. I stopped for Fawn, while she decided what to do. It was both sad and somewhat comical! The poor little thing followed Mama, of course... Bounded across the road, cleared the ditch - and smashed into the fence. Got up, jumped the ditch - and crashed into the fence. Got up, crossed the ditch - bam, stupid fence again! Finally, it stood up, looked around, and ran away from Mama to the woods on the other side of the road, but only hesitantly.
Poor little thing just could NOT make it. Little did I know.......
We knew we would eventually adopt even before we married. BAM- gotta wait 3 years. Okay, let's get rolling - BAM - jump through these 5 million hoops, and put a rail on your steps and hide your laundry detergent and make your house more secure than Fort Knox. Got it, done, let's get going again! **BAM** It will probably take a couple of months to be approved, but things should happen quickly.
And so, I waited. V.e.r.y patiently. Uncharacteristically patient. I was determined not to make a phone call, not to drop by our worker's second job just to check on the status of things, I was gonna give it two months, confident things were moving along. Half expecting to hear from her before the 2 months were up. Yes, I had momentary lapses in patience and calm waiting, but I was really, really GOOD, and lots of people told me so.
And that freakin' fence just won't move outta the way. Our worker did her job. The more we work with her, the more I like her. Hubby called today, at the two month mark. She completed our home study TWO DAYS after our final visit. TWO DAYS!!!!! Complete with a checklist that she went over and checked off so that her supervisor would simply have to sign and submit to the state. Which apparently takes at least a couple months... Bam! Bam! BAM!!!!!! Our worker has reminded her several times that she only needs to sign and submit.
I have several theories as to what is holding this up. The one I really want to hold on to is it's just not time. I have said all along - it will happen when it is supposed to happen. God's got this. On my way home, after my sweet sister-in-law distracted me with a trip to W*alm*rt, I was praying. And I told Him that I know He will bring my babies to me when the time is right - no supervisor or friend or circumstance will stop Him - when.the.time.is.right. My kids will be HOME, not a minute too soon, not a second too late.
So I will not do like the little fawn* and run away scared; I will stand firm and keep waiting patiently. It will be so worth the wait.

*which is not to say we do not have other plans if this does not work out. For now, though, we wait.

I'm doing it again...

I swore I would NOT go back to Ki*ds Mar*ket unless I knew FOR SURE what sizes of clothing I would need. In about 4 hours, I need to be up getting ready to go drop off clothes with my sister.
Our shopping day is close to the end of the month, but the public sale extends into next month. I may or may not know anything by either sale. I'm prepared either way.
By going tomorrow, I "reserve" my spot to shop early - while the good stuff is available. IF I know anything. It will be worth it.
If I don't know anything, then it was just some sisterly bonding time, and someone else can have my ticket to shop. I am prepared either way.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, I am daydreaming of meeting my (still hypothetical) child(ren). Clear as mud?

I should be nesting....

But I'm not! It's a rainy, yucky, CD-1 L*bor D*y. Hubby and his dad made plans for an outdoor event, that I quickly decided should be father-son bonding time. We still haven't heard anything, nor do we expect to just yet. We have a date marked on our calendar, when we will call and find out what is going on.
I vacillate between all kinds of feelings these days. Quiet, peaceful waiting. Desperate, tearful prayers for protection. Curious as to what "they" are doing on this tropical-rainy day. we have made small purchases - a shirt for each, based on faith and guessing what size we might need; some new bath toys; and I just HAD to buy some yummy dr*eft for their laundry.
I would say it's all just a guess, but it feels like so much more. In ways I can't yet explain, I feel such a connection to these little people I've never met! We haven't been "guaranteed" two children, but I feel it in my soul. We definitely haven't been told sexes, but I see us with two sons. We requested ages 3 and under, and when we browse the clearance section, both of us seem to return to the same sizes. We don't know if they will be pastey like us, or brown or chocolate or somewhere in between. We haven't made drastic, major purchases, but we are taking small steps of faith.
I wonder what it will be like for them. A strange house, another set of different, weird grown-ups to get used to, different food, toys, beds, friends. Ours will be at least the fourth house they have lived in. Will they trust that it's their last move, that we are their forever-parents? Will the oldest be bored, will the youngest cry for hours as a stranger attempts to comfort him? Will their New Mama be a total spaz, crying buckets and scaring the crap out of them?
I look forward to weeks off work, focusing only on our new children. Lots of playing, sticking close to home, trying new meals, hopefully getting some exercise! I try not to dwell on it constantly, but I do daydream of what season it could be, and what specific activities will be available based on the time of year. I'm holding those close to my heart for now, as if speaking them out loud will delay them further?
It's strange... Hubby and I have traded places, with him now freely giving information I am keeping close to my heart. For now, we are mostly dreaming.

It's a rough life...

It's a rough life, but somebody's gotta live it! ;)
We're back to coasting. I've returned to patient and calm waiting.
Hubby and I had one of those extremely rare evenings where we both were home - with no company, no plans, and no housework that couldn't wait another day. (Kitchen is clean, laundry is okay for one more day, everything else can wait!) My only goals were to clean out my car, and prepare an order for my p*amp*ered che*f party I had over a week ago. I did both! We also watched an entire movie on a work night.
The only down side is we are both different degrees of sick. I am getting over this cold or allergy attack or sinus infection or whatever, but hubby is just starting.
So I'm still looking at the calendar, still counting the days, but in a much better frame of mind to deal with it. Enjoying these days, because soon enough they will be long gone for about 18 years! ;) It's a rough life, but it'll do for now!