Hi, I'm the infertile, adoptive mom, playing the role of the birthmom... Or, a drama of irony

But first, our little guys are doing great. Still trying to undo over 4 years of the oldest never having to follow any rules at all, and some recent potty issues with the little dude, but over all we are good! So, we are doing this drama at church, and I was approached to be the leading lady. She has terminal cancer, and ultimately has to tell her husband and daughter that she placed a child for adoption when she was in college. Me. The infertile, adoptive mom. Playing the part of the birthmom. Well, emotion .will not be difficult .... I want to do this right, and good, and believable, and be respectful of birthmoms. And adopted persons. And moms with cancer. And surviving family. But mostly, I want to do the role of birthmom justice. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. I already see some adoption language I am going to respectfully ask to be changed. I do think my children will be spending that service in the nursery, even though they are both too old for the nursery. They would definitely pay attention. They would be freaked out that mommy is crying on stage. They are already asking for a sister, and the oldest would probably make a connection, and ask why I have never told him that he does have a sister. It brings up lots of thoughts and feelings, and I will definitely be coming back to pound out my thoughts here. For now, any birthmoms want to weigh in on thongs I should or should not do or say?

So, About That Wait...

So, last time I blogged, I was contemplating a new blog, and I was settling into being content to wait. The next week, we got a call. Two brothers, ages 2 and 4, need to be moved asap, would we like to learn more? And in less than a week, they were moving in. At the end of the month, we will be signing adoption papers and waiting for a court date to finalize their adoption. It has been a long, short, crazy, dramatic, wonderful, hard three months.

I need a new space...

I've been thinking... And I feel like it's time for a move. Infertility is no longer full of insanity. I am less NotTheMama, and more the Childless Mama, waiting for her children to come home. It was a rough few years... I definitely had my moments, good and bad, but IF no longer defines me. We didn't try every procedure, or even any to be exact. In fact, as far as deliberately trying to conceive, it has been a rather half-hearted attempt at best! Sure, I did some temp charting, kept up with the calendar pretty accurately, and we did at least check into our options for ART. That one appointment we actually kept, was enough. The solutions I researched beforehand confirmed to be our only options, and we were okay with cancelling subsequent appointments.
This has been a good, mostly anonymous space to vent my frustrations, fears, and grief. I was able to say what I needed to say, mostly without fear of being judged... I happen to be one who mostly tries to be careful not to hurt the feelings of friends and family, to a fault, and this blog was an outlet to say things I needed to get out, that I would never have actually said***to*** them.
Where did this come from? I think it is a combination of several factors. Several of the blogs I started out reading have closed, so at first, I wondered if it was just that uncomfortable everyone-else-is-doing-it-Ness. Then it didn't go away. A big factor is that I have reached a huge amount of IF closure. We will always be infertile; I will never carry a child in my body; I have accepted this. Sure, there are still sad moments... But they are just that - moments, exceptions to the norm. I suspect that I will continue to feel uncomfortable at baby showers, but perhaps after our children come home, I will once again find myself enjoying them. I feel like if there was a shower I really needed to attend, I could do so without hiding out in the bathroom, and without over-eating just to keep my hands and mouth busy. I'm not saying all things infertile are perfect, but I'm definitely in a much better place.
Perhaps the biggest reason is my children. I wouldn't want them to come here and read the bitter, pain-filled posts I know are there. I'm no longer that person. I would want them to know that they are my first choice, not a last resort. I would also want them to know that I fully grieved what could never be, before and while I prepared for what was to come. My former pain is not theirs to shoulder. It's time to focus my attention on getting ready for them to come home, it's time to prepare to be TheMama.
And so it ends... It feels like that last night of my summer camp job. Everything is packed up, cleaned out, ready for the next staffer to move in. You've got my email adress, or you can leave a comment (promise I will check back). It's been a good few years, and hard, and made easier by your comments and thoughts. Now it is time to turn out the lights, take a final look around, and drive away, knowing I'll miss the comfortable familiarity of this space, but ready to move on to the next blog.
Which, by the way, has yet to be named or claimed. Guess I will come back for an encore to let ya know where I've moved!

We've been approved!!!

Pardon the month-long pause. Hubby and I got new phones, and it took me some time to figure out how to get to my blog, and remember passwords and such. Of course December is a busy month, with parties and gatherings and special church things and we were home even less than usual.
I didn't get my Christmas wish... We were not approved, I didn't get to at least see a picture of our potential children there was no word at all. I was kind of bummed, but thankful to not have a lot of time to dwell on it.
Imagine my surprise, then, when we were finally approved in the first week of the year!!! So now we are officially
"just" waiting for a match. We were approved for 1-2, and possibly 3, children of any sex or race, toddlers, or up to age 8 if a toddler is included in the sibling group. Okay, to be honest, 3 kind of scares me, and 1 would be the most spoiled child ever, so I'm really hoping for 2! 8 years old is a little intimidating... That's the ages of our oldest niece and nephew and WOW.... This actually IS our first rodeo, so I'd be more comfy with younger than 8!
It could be next week... Or next month... Or next YEAR, for all we know. We will be retaining the same SW we have been working with, who should probably be given a bloggy name. We are gonna give it some time, as our letter of approval was mailed this week... Maybe next week we will call her to see if there are any prospects.
In some ways, it's nice to finally be at this point... We are ONLY waiting on a referral, not more hoops through which to jump. Each leg of this journey has its own unique challenges.. We've only been in this stage for a week, and already I have several things going through my mind. Let's keep this happy, though, and brief... We have been approved, and are just waiting to meet our children!!! Yay for progress!!!

And then, I got over it

Just in case you were wondering, no I didn't go over the edge. After a good way-over-due cry, I had a much better day. People need help, plans change. Yeah, it stinks and it hurt my feelings, but I'll live. One day, it will be my turn.
That being said... My mom and I happen to be taking vacation days the Tues and Wed after Christmas. I told her last night that she is MINE for one of those days and I.Will.NOT.SHARE. With anyone ;)
We'll see if that works out in my favor!

Just Once...

Just once... I would like to be SOMEone's top priority, just because. Not because I'm the only one who can keep their kids, not because nothing better came along, but just because they think I matter more than fill-in-the-blank.
Just once... I would like for someone to call and ask what help I might need, not to ask for yet another favor.
Just once... I would like someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, or even an okay job, instead of only calling when there is a problem.
Just once... I would like to go out to eat with just me and my mom, instead of our date being crashed, or cancelled altogether, because of other people's kids.
Just once... I would like for someone to call me back when they say they will, instead of waiting for me to call a day/week/month later because there has been no response.
Just once... I would like for someone to do what they promise, when they promise.
just once... I would like for someone to not freak out when I say I'm not putting up a Christmas tree at all this year.
Just once, I'd like someone to understand instead of condemn me for doing/thinking/acting/choosing differently than they would.
Just once... And it doesn't have to be the whole list in the same week/year/decade.
It would just be nice to hear someone say, "you matter. Period." Just once. Is that really too much to ask?

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Really, so much to be thankful for. The usual- God, family, friends, a job, a house, my car has been repaired and we will pick it up this weekend, our relatively good health, etc.
It's bittersweet. I pray that my children are fast asleep somewhere safe, or perhaps peacefully in bed, falling asleep to the comforting sounds of their foster mother bustling around the kitchen. I pray that next Thanksgiving Eve, I'm busy taking little ones back to bed, that next Thanksgiving morning I am snuggled on the couch with them, watching the parade on tv in our pajamas.
I'm thankful we're as far along as we are- took a fellow blogger's advice and we called the state ourselves to see where we are in the process. We're so close, and will find out exactly "where" we stand sometime next week.
I really am thankful. I left work, ran to the store to get the last 2 items, went to choir practice, and hubby washed dishes for me when we got home. I have 6 (or was it 7?) casseroles assembled in the fridge, ready to throw in the oven, 1 pan of brownies and pasta salad ready. Great family, awesome friends... How many people are so loved they are pulled in 4 directions for 2 meals? I mean, if that's our problem for tomorrow, what is there to complain about?