Pardon any typos or whatever. Typing with shaky hands and teary eyes via blacbe#rry.
Just got a series of texts from one co-worker that another co-worker will be out tomorrow and possibly the rest of the week. Her hubby is "taking her to the doctor." I have suspected a pregnancy since the beginning of the week. Well duh, I'm infertile, not STUPID!!!!! I have been asked point-blank how I wanted to be informed about pregnancy news among the 3 of us, and it sure as hell wasn't through a few damn texts... She has an infertile best friend, is she telling her the same way? I know we're not buddy-buddy or anything, but we work closely enough that we tell each other things of that magnitude, or so I thought... I'm hurt that she hadn't told me, but they would talk about her not lifting something right in front of me. I'm hurt that I have to find out in this manner. Tomorrow is gonna suck, a Monday by myself with a fill-in phar#macist who doesn't know crap about our office, when I can't do eveerything myself... But it beats trying to work with those two... I need some time before I can face them with grace and dignity....
And now I have to maintain enough composure to walk into my empty, quiet house after being with nephews all afternoon, to get my things together to go teach children who donakt belong to me, and put on my happy face for friends my husband invited over after church.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Pesky Left Ovary, and other thing bothering me tonight
Probably irritable from early PMS and a lack of sleep, but whatever!
*Darn left ovary is aching again, with occassional stabs of pain.
*trying to figure out a way to (legally) raise 45K in a year to complete a dang fast international adoption. Referral within 2 wks of dossier submission? Heck yeah.
*Now my body is aching. Started with left hip(figured that was from an earlier cramp), now includes right arm/shoulder/elbow/side of neck. Huh?
*Work... Currently dealing with psychotic chatter from one, witchiness from another, and oh by the way, it will be me and our diva difficult boss from another office on Friday. *The last thing I want to do is get up 3 hours early in the morning to take a teenager to school, but it also annoys me that I'm annoyed. I have an agreement with her mom as a sort of (mentor? Role model? Counselor?) as we all 3 work to getting this girl's life headed in the right direction. It's something I do want to do, but sometimes leaving my house when I used to wake up isn't much fun.
*Never-ending Laundry Piles, need I say more!
* MUST. Clean. Out. Old. House. So we can sell it and go back to one house pmnt, pay off some bills, and be able to save for adoption, however that happens.
Please forgive my whining and geiping.
*Darn left ovary is aching again, with occassional stabs of pain.
*trying to figure out a way to (legally) raise 45K in a year to complete a dang fast international adoption. Referral within 2 wks of dossier submission? Heck yeah.
*Now my body is aching. Started with left hip(figured that was from an earlier cramp), now includes right arm/shoulder/elbow/side of neck. Huh?
*Work... Currently dealing with psychotic chatter from one, witchiness from another, and oh by the way, it will be me and our diva difficult boss from another office on Friday. *The last thing I want to do is get up 3 hours early in the morning to take a teenager to school, but it also annoys me that I'm annoyed. I have an agreement with her mom as a sort of (mentor? Role model? Counselor?) as we all 3 work to getting this girl's life headed in the right direction. It's something I do want to do, but sometimes leaving my house when I used to wake up isn't much fun.
*Never-ending Laundry Piles, need I say more!
* MUST. Clean. Out. Old. House. So we can sell it and go back to one house pmnt, pay off some bills, and be able to save for adoption, however that happens.
Please forgive my whining and geiping.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Acceptance
We accept a lot of things... Gifts. Money. Apologies. We gladly accept those. Acceptance is also the last stage of grief, but does it really end there?
I have accepted that, barring a miracle from God, I will not get, much less stay, pregnant. I know I've said it before, but God has brought such a peace to me over the last months. It's a strange place to be... A peace that passes all understanding. God promised to bring that peace-- not peace like the world gives, which would probably look more like rocking my newborn to sleep our first night home from the hospital, but peace that only God can truly bring-- being okay with "just" being the fun aunt. I can go rock my nephew to sleep, and come home smiling. Gone is that empty feeling of a quiet house and nobody to care for.
Peaceful acceptance.
Acceptance doesn't mean I don't still yearn to be a mom, it means I accept that for now I'm supposed to be doing other things.
Acceptance doesn't mean I'll never cry after holding a newborn, or leave or skip a difficult baby shower or Mother's Day service, or need some time after learning of the latest pregnancy on the block. It means those times are the exception, not the given rule.
Acceptance doesn't mean I've given up hope, or quit wishing for a miracle, or quit wondering if this is the month occassionally. It means I don't have to be tied down with TTC, calendars, cycles, and being disappointed ever 28 days or so.
Acceptance is cool.
I have accepted that, barring a miracle from God, I will not get, much less stay, pregnant. I know I've said it before, but God has brought such a peace to me over the last months. It's a strange place to be... A peace that passes all understanding. God promised to bring that peace-- not peace like the world gives, which would probably look more like rocking my newborn to sleep our first night home from the hospital, but peace that only God can truly bring-- being okay with "just" being the fun aunt. I can go rock my nephew to sleep, and come home smiling. Gone is that empty feeling of a quiet house and nobody to care for.
Peaceful acceptance.
Acceptance doesn't mean I don't still yearn to be a mom, it means I accept that for now I'm supposed to be doing other things.
Acceptance doesn't mean I'll never cry after holding a newborn, or leave or skip a difficult baby shower or Mother's Day service, or need some time after learning of the latest pregnancy on the block. It means those times are the exception, not the given rule.
Acceptance doesn't mean I've given up hope, or quit wishing for a miracle, or quit wondering if this is the month occassionally. It means I don't have to be tied down with TTC, calendars, cycles, and being disappointed ever 28 days or so.
Acceptance is cool.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Welcome, 2010!
Dear 2010,
I hope you will be kind. I want you to be filled with laughter and fun. I want to spend my time with you, playing with nephews and niece, friends and family. I would especially like you to bring less left ovary pain and fewer migraines. Please be especially gentle in May, as we UN"celebrate" MD, and prepare to begin the adoption process. Please don't be greedy like 2009 and steal church friends and the health of lots of friends. I would really like it if you have brought a new name for me, and I can quit being NotTheMama. But I understand if your younger brother 2011 needs to bring that. Lest I ask too much from you, I will try to give you, 2010, more relaxation and living in the moment. I will be a better Christian, and I will mentor at least one teenager very closely. I'm thinking about a Bible study for some girls who, for the last 6 months, have been in a lot of trouble.Give them something better to do. I have refrained from washing clothes today at the request of my MIL, so please hold up your end of the bargain. Let's try to get along in the time you have, okay?
I hope you will be kind. I want you to be filled with laughter and fun. I want to spend my time with you, playing with nephews and niece, friends and family. I would especially like you to bring less left ovary pain and fewer migraines. Please be especially gentle in May, as we UN"celebrate" MD, and prepare to begin the adoption process. Please don't be greedy like 2009 and steal church friends and the health of lots of friends. I would really like it if you have brought a new name for me, and I can quit being NotTheMama. But I understand if your younger brother 2011 needs to bring that. Lest I ask too much from you, I will try to give you, 2010, more relaxation and living in the moment. I will be a better Christian, and I will mentor at least one teenager very closely. I'm thinking about a Bible study for some girls who, for the last 6 months, have been in a lot of trouble.Give them something better to do. I have refrained from washing clothes today at the request of my MIL, so please hold up your end of the bargain. Let's try to get along in the time you have, okay?
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas! Hubby got a dog...
Hubby kept saying he wanted a dog, but would change his mind every other day to a cat. We already know we do NOT have good luck with animals, but.since we don't live on the main road now, this will go better. A friend of ours brought a puppy over this morning that someone apparently dropped off, and they couldn't keep it. Hubby is happy to have a stray dog... My thoughts? I've had this crazy daydream since we've been married that someone would leave a stray kid on our doorstep. Silly, yes. Improbable, yes. But hey, no dreams of big bellies here, so whatever!
Christmas is going well. Better than I ever dreamed actually! We've been busy little bees... And I've been praying for other people lot, too. We have several terminal cancer patients and newly widowed people in our church. And of course I'm thinking of the kids who need families, and families dreaming of kids. Sure, Christmas morning around our house is a little quiet and void of Santa, but only for a while longer.
Merry Christmas everybody!
Christmas is going well. Better than I ever dreamed actually! We've been busy little bees... And I've been praying for other people lot, too. We have several terminal cancer patients and newly widowed people in our church. And of course I'm thinking of the kids who need families, and families dreaming of kids. Sure, Christmas morning around our house is a little quiet and void of Santa, but only for a while longer.
Merry Christmas everybody!
Monday, December 14, 2009
mostly moved....
So we are mostly moved. As in, the stuff we need on a daily basis is here in the new house. Most of my kitchen is unpacked, I'm moving my clothes a few at a time, and I think we only have 2 more rooms of junk at the old house.
I'm posting tonight from my new toy. We went to get hubby a new phone a couple of weeks ago- I got a bla!ckberry, he couldn't make up his mind.
Last random thing....... I've been all calm and peaceful over the past two months about the holidays, but that almost came crashing down last night. We had our church Christmas dinner, we were running late, I forgot to wrap gifts for my class, and we missed most of it because we were wrapping in another room. Here's to being more prepared the rest of the time!
I'm posting tonight from my new toy. We went to get hubby a new phone a couple of weeks ago- I got a bla!ckberry, he couldn't make up his mind.
Last random thing....... I've been all calm and peaceful over the past two months about the holidays, but that almost came crashing down last night. We had our church Christmas dinner, we were running late, I forgot to wrap gifts for my class, and we missed most of it because we were wrapping in another room. Here's to being more prepared the rest of the time!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
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