InfertileInsanity

I need a new space...

2012-01-23T21:14:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking... And I feel like it's time for a move. Infertility is no longer full of insanity. I am less NotTheMama, and more the Childless Mama, waiting for her children to come home. It was a rough few years... I definitely had my moments, good and bad, but IF no longer defines me. We didn't try every procedure, or even any to be exact. In fact, as far as deliberately trying to conceive, it has been a rather half-hearted attempt at best! Sure, I did some temp charting, kept up with the calendar pretty accurately, and we did at least check into our options for ART. That one appointment we actually kept, was enough. The solutions I researched beforehand confirmed to be our only options, and we were okay with cancelling subsequent appointments.
This has been a good, mostly anonymous space to vent my frustrations, fears, and grief. I was able to say what I needed to say, mostly without fear of being judged... I happen to be one who mostly tries to be careful not to hurt the feelings of friends and family, to a fault, and this blog was an outlet to say things I needed to get out, that I would never have actually said***to*** them.
Where did this come from? I think it is a combination of several factors. Several of the blogs I started out reading have closed, so at first, I wondered if it was just that uncomfortable everyone-else-is-doing-it-Ness. Then it didn't go away. A big factor is that I have reached a huge amount of IF closure. We will always be infertile; I will never carry a child in my body; I have accepted this. Sure, there are still sad moments... But they are just that - moments, exceptions to the norm. I suspect that I will continue to feel uncomfortable at baby showers, but perhaps after our children come home, I will once again find myself enjoying them. I feel like if there was a shower I really needed to attend, I could do so without hiding out in the bathroom, and without over-eating just to keep my hands and mouth busy. I'm not saying all things infertile are perfect, but I'm definitely in a much better place.
Perhaps the biggest reason is my children. I wouldn't want them to come here and read the bitter, pain-filled posts I know are there. I'm no longer that person. I would want them to know that they are my first choice, not a last resort. I would also want them to know that I fully grieved what could never be, before and while I prepared for what was to come. My former pain is not theirs to shoulder. It's time to focus my attention on getting ready for them to come home, it's time to prepare to be TheMama.
And so it ends... It feels like that last night of my summer camp job. Everything is packed up, cleaned out, ready for the next staffer to move in. You've got my email adress, or you can leave a comment (promise I will check back). It's been a good few years, and hard, and made easier by your comments and thoughts. Now it is time to turn out the lights, take a final look around, and drive away, knowing I'll miss the comfortable familiarity of this space, but ready to move on to the next blog.
Which, by the way, has yet to be named or claimed. Guess I will come back for an encore to let ya know where I've moved!

We've been approved!!!

2012-01-10T20:34:00.000-08:00

Pardon the month-long pause. Hubby and I got new phones, and it took me some time to figure out how to get to my blog, and remember passwords and such. Of course December is a busy month, with parties and gatherings and special church things and we were home even less than usual.
I didn't get my Christmas wish... We were not approved, I didn't get to at least see a picture of our potential children there was no word at all. I was kind of bummed, but thankful to not have a lot of time to dwell on it.
Imagine my surprise, then, when we were finally approved in the first week of the year!!! So now we are officially
"just" waiting for a match. We were approved for 1-2, and possibly 3, children of any sex or race, toddlers, or up to age 8 if a toddler is included in the sibling group. Okay, to be honest, 3 kind of scares me, and 1 would be the most spoiled child ever, so I'm really hoping for 2! 8 years old is a little intimidating... That's the ages of our oldest niece and nephew and WOW.... This actually IS our first rodeo, so I'd be more comfy with younger than 8!
It could be next week... Or next month... Or next YEAR, for all we know. We will be retaining the same SW we have been working with, who should probably be given a bloggy name. We are gonna give it some time, as our letter of approval was mailed this week... Maybe next week we will call her to see if there are any prospects.
In some ways, it's nice to finally be at this point... We are ONLY waiting on a referral, not more hoops through which to jump. Each leg of this journey has its own unique challenges.. We've only been in this stage for a week, and already I have several things going through my mind. Let's keep this happy, though, and brief... We have been approved, and are just waiting to meet our children!!! Yay for progress!!!

And then, I got over it

2011-12-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

Just in case you were wondering, no I didn't go over the edge. After a good way-over-due cry, I had a much better day. People need help, plans change. Yeah, it stinks and it hurt my feelings, but I'll live. One day, it will be my turn.
That being said... My mom and I happen to be taking vacation days the Tues and Wed after Christmas. I told her last night that she is MINE for one of those days and I.Will.NOT.SHARE. With anyone ;)
We'll see if that works out in my favor!

Just Once...

2011-12-05T15:47:00.000-08:00

Just once... I would like to be SOMEone's top priority, just because. Not because I'm the only one who can keep their kids, not because nothing better came along, but just because they think I matter more than fill-in-the-blank.
Just once... I would like for someone to call and ask what help I might need, not to ask for yet another favor.
Just once... I would like someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, or even an okay job, instead of only calling when there is a problem.
Just once... I would like to go out to eat with just me and my mom, instead of our date being crashed, or cancelled altogether, because of other people's kids.
Just once... I would like for someone to call me back when they say they will, instead of waiting for me to call a day/week/month later because there has been no response.
Just once... I would like for someone to do what they promise, when they promise.
just once... I would like for someone to not freak out when I say I'm not putting up a Christmas tree at all this year.
Just once, I'd like someone to understand instead of condemn me for doing/thinking/acting/choosing differently than they would.
Just once... And it doesn't have to be the whole list in the same week/year/decade.
It would just be nice to hear someone say, "you matter. Period." Just once. Is that really too much to ask?

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2011-11-23T22:59:00.000-08:00

Really, so much to be thankful for. The usual- God, family, friends, a job, a house, my car has been repaired and we will pick it up this weekend, our relatively good health, etc.
It's bittersweet. I pray that my children are fast asleep somewhere safe, or perhaps peacefully in bed, falling asleep to the comforting sounds of their foster mother bustling around the kitchen. I pray that next Thanksgiving Eve, I'm busy taking little ones back to bed, that next Thanksgiving morning I am snuggled on the couch with them, watching the parade on tv in our pajamas.
I'm thankful we're as far along as we are- took a fellow blogger's advice and we called the state ourselves to see where we are in the process. We're so close, and will find out exactly "where" we stand sometime next week.
I really am thankful. I left work, ran to the store to get the last 2 items, went to choir practice, and hubby washed dishes for me when we got home. I have 6 (or was it 7?) casseroles assembled in the fridge, ready to throw in the oven, 1 pan of brownies and pasta salad ready. Great family, awesome friends... How many people are so loved they are pulled in 4 directions for 2 meals? I mean, if that's our problem for tomorrow, what is there to complain about?

Perspective

2011-11-08T18:41:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I went to clean out my car tonight. Last night, after hearing it might be totaled, I was rather frustrated. I was happy with my car, we are still paying for it, and our goal was to pay it off, then buy hubby a truck. Having only 1 vehicle payment is a lot nicer than 2... Working out logistics for 2 working people and 1 car stinks.
Tonight, I have a new perspective. I didn't realize just how bad it was. Had we been going any faster at all, I might have had the whole windshield in my lap, not just tiny fragments. Our repairman said it hit closer to the roof, rather than full-on windshield, and that kept the deer from coming in on me. He also said the airbags should have deployed- which would have meant more injuries for us both. Hubby had a bottle of water up to his mouth on impact, and I was reading something on my phone.
Less than a year ago, we buried my uncle after a horrific crash. We spent several days at the hospital with him. That smell, those memories... Wow.
My hubby helped me clean out my car - not the clothes from our room. I have a cut on my pinkie that isn't looking so great - not multiple broken bones. Last night, my mom baked my birthday cake - instead of someone bringing her food to the hospital and making her eat it. I cleaned out my fridge tonight - instead of laying in bed (or worse) and letting someone else do it.
It truly is all about perspective.

Oh, Deer!

2011-11-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

I turned 30 today. Just so happens, it was also Season Pass Appreciation Day at S*ix Fl*ags. Hubby and I loaded up late last night and drove over, so I could both sleep late, and enjoy the day.
As we stepped in line for our second roller coaster, and walked right up to the loading dock, I thought, "I want to turn 30 every year!" Rather chilly, but so awesome to not wait in line for 1-2 hours. They closed at 6, so we were gonna grab some supper and get in early. Some g*oogling and gps'ing was taking us to a bbq restaurant we have close to home, that we knew would be yummy.
We're 6 miles away, driving on a dark, busy, 5-lane road... BAM!!!! Out of nowhere, our windshield just explodes! On my side... Hubby did an awesome job keeping us steady, maneuvering through traffic to the side of the road. I look up and see something pointing at me. I thought something came through the windshield and stopped inches from my face. Whew, okay, that was just the visor.
We both determine we are okay, and are trying to figure out what in the world just happened. I have tiny pieces of glass all over my clothes and hands.
This guy knocks on our window and tells us a truck hit a deer, and he saw the deer then hit our car and go flipping through the air. He was kind enough to stay with us until the police arrived.
It took a good 20 minutes or so for the police to find us. We had no clue where we were, I could only give them the road name based on the gps. He said we couldn't drive home, because the windshield was too damaged. He said we would either get a ticket, or the windshield would collapse on us. He did allow us to drive on to the restaurant to wait for a tow truck, since hubby could still see fairly well out of his side.
My car? I don't even care. It can be fixed. Or we can get another one. Aggravating, for sure, but hubby and I work near each other. He will have to go in early, and I will have to stay late, but we're okay! Can't say washing my hands felt good - several small scratches and cuts, but wow. The tow truck driver said we were very fortunate the deer did not totally break through the glass. He worked another wreck where that did happen. The deer did not die on impact, and it kicked and kicked through the glass, seriously injuring one of the guys in the car. Hubby could've lost control and slammed into the other traffic. It stinks, but I told him - maybe that was saving us from something worse happening further down the road.
So, 30 has started out with a bang - quite literally! I'm hoping for fewer deer, but more excitement. Namely good news from the state.

Dumb, followed by torture

2011-11-02T18:53:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I saw the title for this year's Christmas cantata for the adult choir. If there's one Christmas song I could place in a box and hide away from the rest of the world, it would be M*ary Did You Know... (Sorry, Mark, it's just a difficult song!)
If you don't know, that song is written "to" Mary, the mother of J*esus, asking her if she knew her baby boy would do the things He did and be the thing He is. You should definitely g*oo*gle it, but get a tissue handy first. I'll wait...
So that's the title of our musical this year. Of course, MDYK is in it. Tonight, for the first time, I heard the song before MDYK, which is a solo... Written from the perspective of Mary. "Mommies and Daddies" are the first stinkin' words, and the song talks about imagining what your child will be when they grow up, and who would imagine He would be a King?
In my mind, I crossed my arms over my chest, stomped my foot, and said "this is a DUMB song!" Really, it's a good song, and I like it, but it stings. I long to hold my children, to meet them and know them, so I *can* have dreams for them. I managed to keep the tears away. Even though I started thinking about how a few months ago, when we started practicing this music, I was still thinking I might have to sit out because I could be holding my babies*. It doesn't look so likely now, and Christmas morning has the potential to be painfully quiet and very sad. But I didn't cry.
Then we started singing MYDK... I tried really, really hard not to cry. It's not just the words, but the feelings and thoughts that song brings with it. It's torture, really, for me to try to sing it. At first, I thought it would just be a few tears I could easily wipe away. Yeah, except not. I quietly left the choir loft and went to the bathroom.
It's not the first year I've struggled through a musical. I just thought it would be soooooo different this year.

*I guess, technically, it could still happen. The optimistic side of me is holding out hope. The realistic side is trying to prepare for another quiet, childless Christmas.

It feels wrong...

2011-10-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

So, as we continue to wait, I continue to think and dream and pray. As we get (hopefully) closer to an adoption placement becoming our reality, I get more specific... Except...
Except it feels soooooo incredibly wrong to pray for TPR. It's a necessary step to make our kids become our kids... But I'm having trouble getting excited over it. Think about what a drastic change, and for so many people. No parent wants to be told their child is being permanently taken away. No child truly wants to leave Mama and Daddy, I don't care what that sulky teenager says. And yet, we are waiting for that very thing. I do believe if someone were to come to me and tell me they were taking my children, the first phrase out of my mouth would be something like "over my dead body!" And yet, I am waiting for that to happen to someone else. It feels wrong to be excited.
Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... I do hope that we can maintain some kind of contact with some family member, but it's a game-changer for all of the above. They are losing someone they love. Little friends at school or church or wherever, who will grow up and one day wonder what happened to that little boy or girl...
And for the children... Yes, they will be coming to a "better" home, with more "suitable" parents, and smothered with hugs and kisses and lots and lots of love... But they will also be saying good-bye to family, friends, and an entire life - the only one they've ever known.
Everyone else is giving me nothing but excitement and happiness, but there is a part of me that realizes the brevity of the situation soon facing our children. Change is good, but change is hard. They don't call them growing PAINS for no reason. Any other adoptive moms feel the same?

With a Consultant

2011-10-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hubby happened to run into our SW one day last week, while he was out for lunch. He said it kind of surprised him to see her, so he didn't ask her all the questions I probably would have, but she did mention that our study is with a consultant. So now, the SW is just waiting to hear back from the consultant.
Hubby was correct, I have several other questions! Looks like I will be stalking a local grocer where our SW holds a second job. ;) It doesn't hurt that their meat is cheaper than my usual big box store that carries everything. I'm wanting to know if I should hold on to my few remaining vacation days this year. I have a very specific question for her that we aren't really sharing with much of anyone just yet.
Every month that passes means our babies get a little older... They've been in the system a little longer... While I hope and pray they are in a loving FH, another month may mean more abuse, neglect, pain, bad memories. Another month away from Mama and Daddy. Another month closer to Christmas...
But really, overall I'm in a good place right now. The last couple weeks have been okay. Staying busy usually means I don't have time to dwell on the waiting, and there has definitely not been a shortage of things to do! I think I have cooked supper at home exactly once in 3 weeks. One more week of baseball for our oldest nephew, and we should have a little while before basketball starts up. Thankfully, those games are all on Saturday, so we should have a few week nights open again.
And now, I'm rambling... This bed sure is warm, but I really should be in the shower. Our pastor got married on Thursday, rather unexpectedly, so I'm sure it will be an exciting day at church! A nephew has a birthday party after. I'm not really sure, but I may be expected to start teaching again tonight, and I have no lesson... The busy-ness continues!

No News... But here are some books i read growing up!

2011-10-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah, there's nothin' to report. All is quiet. But since I haven't posted since the end of September...
I was commenting on an author's blog, about my favorite character, and it brought back a lot of other characters I "grew up with" when I was little. So, let me share.
**ram*ona qu*imby... Yes, pretty sure it was the whole middle child thing. I wanted her to be real, so we could chat, and so I could be her friend.
**the girls from the Gi*rl Talk series. My mom understood my obsession with books, and even though we likely couldn't afford it, she signed me up for the book club. I received 3 books (a month? A few times a year? I don't remember)... She would have to hide them from me so I wouldn't read all 3 books the day they came in the mail.
**Ironically, the Box*car Children. I wanted to bring them home with me and let them be my brothers and sisters.
***Goo*sebu*mps. Even though they freaked me out, even though a few terrified me... ME, the scaredy-cat child who jumped at her own shadow...
If I had "my own" money, you can be sure I was buying books. In college, I would easily spend a paycheck on books.
Of course, now I have other things to spend money on, such as a house, car, etc. I don't have as much time to read. One day, though, I hope to instill that same love of books in my children.

Where were we again?

2011-09-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

Oh yes. We were waiting. With sketchy details.
Well... We're still waiting. Thanks to a friend's connection, we found out it was indeed finished X weeks ago. Which, according to my calculations, means we "should" hear something by Y holiday. IF X + Y does NOT equal Z, we should hear something by holiday Q. So between Z and Q, we should know we have been approved. Confused yet? Me too.
An aquaintance of a friend is trying to find out more info, and possibly help us out a little. Which makes me want to lean towards Z holiday, which happens sooner than Q, but last time that magic date was delayed a couple months, so I kinda don't wanna get my hopes up.
So emotional... The tears, the blank stares, the desire to just stay home. It's safe to say I'm coping a little less well. I'm gonna make it, it's just not real fun. Holding on to the light at the end of the tunnel, praying it's not a train, but tensing up all the same.
I'm thinking about a lunch date with some local people. 2 ladies from church, a pastor's wife from another local church, who all have adopted. I just need to be with people who speak my language. Who "get" why I'm so on edge, who don't bat an eye at my crazy emotions, and understand that I wasn't **really** crying because my husband was late to a pl*ay he and I were in at church. I need to be with people who have waited and survived.
And finally, I just remembered... Today is the day I was supposed to go shopping at the ki*ds cons*ignment sale. Because we were supposed to know something by now. I should have been hanging out with my sisters, having a good time. It's probably just as well... AF is a jerk, and I had to take mu*cin*ex D this afternoon. Where's that chocolate ice cream?

Explanation, kind of

2011-09-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hubby talked to the supervisor Friday. We got some kind of news - I wouldn't exactly call it an explanation. Sketchy information is a bit more accurate.
She apologized, said she meant to call. (So why did she not call?) She can't remember exactly when she received our study (according to SW that was 2 days after our last visit, 2 months ago), but she thinks it was about 3 weeks ago (which, just in case you didn't know, is way less than 2 months)... She didn't get to look at it right away, and she doesn't really know the exact day she sent it, but she overnighted it. (Shouldn't there be some kind of record of what was sent on which day?) She will email the office it went to and make sure they received it. (But didn't tell hubby she would call back or let us know if/when it was received. But we can call and "bother" them anytime. (Okay, there's something I can live with!)
It can take "up to 2 months" for the state to approve. And even then, it doesn't mean we should expect any news, because we could face a looooong wait for the age we requested. (Not the "unofficial" story we were given! Or the "official" story given by another supervisor!) We should consider FC for those ages if we want it to happen quickly (um, kids stay in FC for a while before they are eligible to be adopted, and there are no guarantees). Hubby said the rest of the conversation included the word "foster," approximately every other word. FP's are great. Don't get me wrong - there's always a need for more FP's but that is just not what we were called to do!
I am curious to speak with our SW and get her take on this. I have some "unofficial" questions that would require "unofficial" answers. Someone is not shooting straight with us - but at this point, we have a sketchy "new" timeline. Of course, not knowing whether our study was overnighted 3 weeks ago or just this week, and "up to 2 months" doesn't really pinpoint a magic date or anything... But we do have some frame of reference, we do have a window of time that we "should" hear something. This feels familiar! Bureaucracy stinks!

Frozen, for only the millionth time

2011-09-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

It's survival time. It seems like every time we hit a roadblock on this road to our children, I shut down. I can make it through work, albeit a bit quiter than usual, trying not to bite off any heads. I get home and I'm done.
We still don't have any news. C'mon, tell us **some**thing! Death in your family? Sickness? Something wrong in our paperwork holding it up? Just overwhelmingly busy? Misplaced? Buried under other paperwork? Waiting for our medicals to expire? Something else? Just some kind of explanation would be better than none at all!
Do I need to hang on to vacation days this calendar year? How long will it take to be approved once we are actually submitted? I have other questions too! I just can't ask them yet, "officially."
I'm really trying to hold off on all things snarky. The Mama Bear is really wanting to be unleashed, but for now hubby is handling all phone calls with much more diplomacy than I could muster.
What are our children doing while we wait?

The Prophetic Fawn

2011-09-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

So earlier this week, I had to stop in my road for a fawn and her Mama. It's kind of hard to see on my road in the mornings on my way to work, and at first I couldn't tell what kind of animal was standing in the road. Mama quickly bounded across the road and over a fence. I stopped for Fawn, while she decided what to do. It was both sad and somewhat comical! The poor little thing followed Mama, of course... Bounded across the road, cleared the ditch - and smashed into the fence. Got up, jumped the ditch - and crashed into the fence. Got up, crossed the ditch - bam, stupid fence again! Finally, it stood up, looked around, and ran away from Mama to the woods on the other side of the road, but only hesitantly.
Poor little thing just could NOT make it. Little did I know.......
We knew we would eventually adopt even before we married. BAM- gotta wait 3 years. Okay, let's get rolling - BAM - jump through these 5 million hoops, and put a rail on your steps and hide your laundry detergent and make your house more secure than Fort Knox. Got it, done, let's get going again! **BAM** It will probably take a couple of months to be approved, but things should happen quickly.
And so, I waited. V.e.r.y patiently. Uncharacteristically patient. I was determined not to make a phone call, not to drop by our worker's second job just to check on the status of things, I was gonna give it two months, confident things were moving along. Half expecting to hear from her before the 2 months were up. Yes, I had momentary lapses in patience and calm waiting, but I was really, really GOOD, and lots of people told me so.
And that freakin' fence just won't move outta the way. Our worker did her job. The more we work with her, the more I like her. Hubby called today, at the two month mark. She completed our home study TWO DAYS after our final visit. TWO DAYS!!!!! Complete with a checklist that she went over and checked off so that her supervisor would simply have to sign and submit to the state. Which apparently takes at least a couple months... Bam! Bam! BAM!!!!!! Our worker has reminded her several times that she only needs to sign and submit.
I have several theories as to what is holding this up. The one I really want to hold on to is it's just not time. I have said all along - it will happen when it is supposed to happen. God's got this. On my way home, after my sweet sister-in-law distracted me with a trip to W*alm*rt, I was praying. And I told Him that I know He will bring my babies to me when the time is right - no supervisor or friend or circumstance will stop Him - when.the.time.is.right. My kids will be HOME, not a minute too soon, not a second too late.
So I will not do like the little fawn* and run away scared; I will stand firm and keep waiting patiently. It will be so worth the wait.

*which is not to say we do not have other plans if this does not work out. For now, though, we wait.

I'm doing it again...

2011-09-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

I swore I would NOT go back to Ki*ds Mar*ket unless I knew FOR SURE what sizes of clothing I would need. In about 4 hours, I need to be up getting ready to go drop off clothes with my sister.
Our shopping day is close to the end of the month, but the public sale extends into next month. I may or may not know anything by either sale. I'm prepared either way.
By going tomorrow, I "reserve" my spot to shop early - while the good stuff is available. IF I know anything. It will be worth it.
If I don't know anything, then it was just some sisterly bonding time, and someone else can have my ticket to shop. I am prepared either way.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, I am daydreaming of meeting my (still hypothetical) child(ren). Clear as mud?

I should be nesting....

2011-09-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

But I'm not! It's a rainy, yucky, CD-1 L*bor D*y. Hubby and his dad made plans for an outdoor event, that I quickly decided should be father-son bonding time. We still haven't heard anything, nor do we expect to just yet. We have a date marked on our calendar, when we will call and find out what is going on.
I vacillate between all kinds of feelings these days. Quiet, peaceful waiting. Desperate, tearful prayers for protection. Curious as to what "they" are doing on this tropical-rainy day. we have made small purchases - a shirt for each, based on faith and guessing what size we might need; some new bath toys; and I just HAD to buy some yummy dr*eft for their laundry.
I would say it's all just a guess, but it feels like so much more. In ways I can't yet explain, I feel such a connection to these little people I've never met! We haven't been "guaranteed" two children, but I feel it in my soul. We definitely haven't been told sexes, but I see us with two sons. We requested ages 3 and under, and when we browse the clearance section, both of us seem to return to the same sizes. We don't know if they will be pastey like us, or brown or chocolate or somewhere in between. We haven't made drastic, major purchases, but we are taking small steps of faith.
I wonder what it will be like for them. A strange house, another set of different, weird grown-ups to get used to, different food, toys, beds, friends. Ours will be at least the fourth house they have lived in. Will they trust that it's their last move, that we are their forever-parents? Will the oldest be bored, will the youngest cry for hours as a stranger attempts to comfort him? Will their New Mama be a total spaz, crying buckets and scaring the crap out of them?
I look forward to weeks off work, focusing only on our new children. Lots of playing, sticking close to home, trying new meals, hopefully getting some exercise! I try not to dwell on it constantly, but I do daydream of what season it could be, and what specific activities will be available based on the time of year. I'm holding those close to my heart for now, as if speaking them out loud will delay them further?
It's strange... Hubby and I have traded places, with him now freely giving information I am keeping close to my heart. For now, we are mostly dreaming.

It's a rough life...

2011-08-23T20:38:00.001-07:00

It's a rough life, but somebody's gotta live it! ;)
We're back to coasting. I've returned to patient and calm waiting.
Hubby and I had one of those extremely rare evenings where we both were home - with no company, no plans, and no housework that couldn't wait another day. (Kitchen is clean, laundry is okay for one more day, everything else can wait!) My only goals were to clean out my car, and prepare an order for my p*amp*ered che*f party I had over a week ago. I did both! We also watched an entire movie on a work night.
The only down side is we are both different degrees of sick. I am getting over this cold or allergy attack or sinus infection or whatever, but hubby is just starting.
So I'm still looking at the calendar, still counting the days, but in a much better frame of mind to deal with it. Enjoying these days, because soon enough they will be long gone for about 18 years! ;) It's a rough life, but it'll do for now!

It's a rough life...

2011-08-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

Just admitting it...

2011-08-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

I admitted it to myself somewhat a few days ago... But tonight, I admitted it to another person.
And it turns out, just admitting to someone else that you are suddenly stressing out about something totally beyond your control - takes a little of the edge off.
Of course, creating order in your kitchen and catching up laundry doesn't hurt. Ah, there are a couple of things I can definitely control.
And it helps that I did some reading that told me what I'm feeling is normal and natural, and I'm not really losing my mind.
Buckle up, it might be a bumpy ride!

Patience and Peace

2011-08-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

That has been the theme of this wait. People have been amazed that I am so calm and so patient and so peaceful. No, we haven't heard from our worker, and no, we haven't called her to see what the heck is going on. She said it would be a couple months, so I'm trying to just wait and be patient and maybe keep my calendar FULL so I'm not sitting around thinking too much.
I know they will come home at the right time, when *all* of us are ready. Maybe before this year is out, maybe not. Ringing my hands and making myself a nervous wreck will not bring them home any sooner, but it will make the wait a lot more difficult and miserable. This also isn't the first time I've surprised people with my laidbackness, if I may make up a word... I was totally zen about our wedding, too, because hey, it's only ONE DAY, and no matter what happened, we would still be married at the end.
That's not to say we don't have our moments. Last night was one of those.
Patience, peace, and waiting all went out the window! For whatever reason, I just needed my babies home NOW!!! I wish I could tell you every last detail, but for now I can't... But the last time I felt like this, there was very good reason for it! Call it mother's intuition, I suppose. I can only hope they are currently in foster care. I can only hope they are in a loving foster home, not being subjected to further abuse and neglect. I know several foster families and children, and there are some awesome, awesome foster parents in this world. I hope my children are with one of those families... And I hope that if any of them are reading this, they won't get offended. Because THANK YOU so much for taking care of my baby while I can't. You are doing an incredible job, and words can't express how much I appreciate everything you are doing for our children! But last night was one of those nights - nobody can love you like your Mama. My kids need to be HOME with their Mommy and Daddy. I need them to be home.
All of that nervous anxiety was taken care of with some prayer over their safety - guarding their hearts, shielding their eyes, covering their ears, to name a few - and some awesome worship music in the car. I don't even know how my radio got on that station. It's not what I was listening to the last time I was in my car. But just what I needed.
Hopefully, last night was a blip in the radar screen of peaceful, patient, quiet waiting. Hopefully, the wait will soon end. But if not, I have some pretty stinkin' awesome ways to deal with it!

New Territory!

2011-08-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes... We're finally in new territory! Sure, we've made it to "hurry up and wait" in the adoption process, and - for now - it's a good place, but I never knew just how much relief would come with this stage.
I went to a baby shower this week, and for the first time in forever, I was NOT running off to the bathroom, or sneaking out the back door to go home early so I could cry in private. The only reason I had any tears in my eyes was because this is her first baby since her mom died, and she was upset that she would have to buy her own new pajamas. (She doesn't - several of us were thinking about just that, and she has several new sets!) I can't tell you how much relief it is to be able to just **BE** there.
I can confidently browse the baby aisles in stores. Without tears. Without getting mad and stomping off. Without thinking (or saying out loud to myself like a crazy person) "Who would want this dumb crap anyway?" We have made our first (very minor) purchases for our children, but we're not going crazy just yet. For one, we don't really know for sure what age/sex/size. Or how many. Or how long the wait might be. But... We are looking and shopping around! With no tears!
And... I am almost Mama, y'all!!! I mean I "am" Mama, just missing my kids, but I'm starting to FEEL like a Mama. I'm slowly getting to hang out with my Mama friends. They're including me more as a peer. I mean, they have always been super nice and sweet and all, but up until now, I've been mostly That Girl Who Plays With Our Kids And We're Glad They Really Love Her And We Can Chat While She Takes Care Of Them... Now granted, I only claim to be a grown-up when it's convenient for me, but it's nice to be *treated* like a grown-up, *by* other grown-ups. I'm a big kid, look what I can do. I can wear big-kid pants, too. Oh, wait... That's pull-ups. ;)
These are just a few of the welcome changes we are experiencing. Sure, I am a bit more emotional, and I cry at different things now... But happy tears are so much better than sad or frustrated tears. I'm at a good place right now. I don't want to get overly excited just yet - some of our family are handling that job rather well - it's a cautious, guarding-my-heart-but-dreaming optimism. We are really doing this!

I would be a terrible crack*head... Or a really good one, depending on your point of view!

2011-07-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm NotTheMama. (Everybody say hi) I am a recovering Dr Pep*per and Mtn D*ew drinker. I am currently struggling to consume only ONE bubbly soda per day - down from anywhere between 4-6 or 7. Cans. I really really REALLY struggled to not grab a can outta the fridge while doing some late-night cleaning. I had one and a half today.
I'm struggling with afternoon drowsiness, crabbiness, and I'm pretty sure it's a sign of a big problem when your blood sugar is obviously in shock over the sudden decrease in that sugary goodness. Tomorrow starts the weekend. We are having friends over tomorrow night for lasagna and cards. Family reunion Saturday. Should I even attempt to stay on the wagon? I'm guessing I'll end up diving off, forget falling!
Tonight was also the first time hubby or I have eaten out all week. Even for lunch. Unheard of! I spent less than 5 bucks at Su*bway, with my parents.
Just stepped on the scale. I weigh a little less tonight than I did in the morning at the beginning of the week. Would love to lose 30-40 lbs. Wow. Can't believe I let myself get in this shape! :(

Cleaning Strike 2011 is over, and more!

2011-07-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, The Great Cleaning Strike of 2011 is officially over. Tonight, my kitchen is spotless, my LR and DR are mostly tidy, the shower stall floor has been scrubbed, and the laundry is more done than not. A coupla loads tomorrow evening, and I'm done with that for the week! Hubby is pitching in - tonight, he dried and put away dishes, cleaned off the table, and put his shoes away. That gets him a gold star lol ;)
I for real have got to lose a LOT of weight. Yeah, I watched myself on video tonight, from a month or two ago. I was totally disgusting. Time to start stepping on the scale everyday, and stop eating so much.
I'm probably meeting up with a fellow blogger tomorrow. The handful people I've told, have made me promise I'll let them know when I get there, when I leave, what I'm wearing, etc. Sheesh. And I hafta call or text them when I get in. (For the record: I've read back over a year. I'd say it would be more than a little difficult to be consistantly making crap up for an extended period of time. And we're meeting in a public place, and please give me a break!) I will humor them and no, I haven't given my address or phone number or hometown even my real last name.
There's some stuff in store for Wednesday night that has the potential to be pretty exciting. Thursday, I will probably be grocery shopping for Friday evening - we usually go eat Mexican with friends on Friday nights, but this weekend, we're bringing the party to our house to play cards. One of our friends requested lasagna, so I'm hoping to get as much prep-work done Thursday. Saturday may be free, but I'm thinking about a trip to GA to a fun little place with 6 fabric rectangles on poles. Sunday morning, I'm filling in for the 4YO-K class, Sunday night is a special night of local kid choirs performing, and I'm kind of hoping next week is a bit slower!
Keeping busy is a good thing for now...

We're done!

2011-07-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

:) And just like that, we've reached the end!
I would love to tell you more, but there's not an incredible amount to tell. She went over some forms, we signed some different forms, she looked at the rail and checked out the rooms, and gave us some information, and we were done. Now, we wait! :)

T Minus 15-ish Hours Until Final Visit

2011-07-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

Dear "Just" Adopt Morons:
I have been cleaning for the past 8-9 hours. After working my usual 8-hour shift at my "real" job. Please bring me a dull, rusty knife so I can use it to "just" dig out your eyeballs. KThanksBye!
But for real - our last visit is tomorrow! I have just sat down to eat my brownie and have my itreallyisnoneofyourbusinesssixthorisitseventh soft drink of the day, so I could take some nap*roxen for my screaming back and foot. I'll stop tomorrow. Wait, maybe Wednesday, since I'll kind of need to stay conscious tomorrow.
Whew. It's been a long year! I probably will not at all relax until after she leaves, but starting around 5:30 tomorrow, my plans are to play, eat, play, relax, eat, and collapse on the couch for the rest of the week. I shall wash dishes, and I might could be persuaded to do a load of laundry if I really was pushed into such nonsense.
Oh yeah, and the closet door broke off the hinges tonight. As in, the door itself is broken. The door to the closet. The closet where we hid all the crap that doesn't really have a home.
Eh, well, all our dr*ugs are locked up, my laundru detergent is safely locked away, and we even still have most of the outlet covers in place. As long as the rail doesn't fall off the porch or anything, we're good. (Note to rail: that was in no way a challenge - please stay where you are)
Next time I talk to you, I will probably be stinky from playing with a niece and nephew in the park, instead of furiously cleaning. Special thanks to my mom, older sister, and sister-in-law for helping us get this place ready!!!!
Now, SLEEP!!!

Clean!

2011-07-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Baby Niece just left the house, and right after, hubby walked in with lunch! Now I could really stretch out on the couch and take a nap. But I.will.NOT.
Why? Because I love my children. I may not be able to protect them from whatever they are facing this weekend. I may have to just rest in believing that someone else is taking care of them tonight. But what I *can* do is clean the bathrooms, organize the toy room, clean out the kid room, and get my house ready for the last step, hopefully in the next 7 days. I will spend the rest of the day doing the things I CAN do for my children.
What a difference a week makes!

I Might Miss His First Birthday (Or, I've really lost it, someone call the psych unit and reserve me a room)

2011-07-14T18:35:00.000-07:00

So, instead of cleaning, organizing, cooking, or flippin' washing the dishes, I'm watching tat*too shows on t*l*c. Not sure where the fascination comes from, but I must admit I kind of want a tat now. And L*A I*nk is totally coming on again in a few weeks! YES!!!
So I'm sitting here, half watching these people learn the trade, and half reading random blogs. Because I don't have my final home visit next week or anything!
I ran across a blog post of a baby's first birthday, and it made me cry.
I might miss my baby's first birthday! Now, we did say age 3 and under, so you would think that wouldn't be so surprising. I guess I haven't really thought about it until now. I was totally okay with not changing diapers in the hospital. The possibility that we won't need bottles is fine with me. A walking, talking toddler? Sure, bring it on! I've never really thought about missing the first tooth, or the first steps, or a million other firsts, but none of that really brings me to tears. We/I had been talking about international adoption for so long, I knew there would be lots of typical "firsts" we witnessed with our nieces and nephews, that we would miss with ours.
So, why *this* milestone? The only thing I can come up with is it marks the end of the baby stage and the beginning of the big boy stage. I guess for the first time, I'm realizing that I may never know my child as a baby. And it makes me a little sad.

The Waiting Room

2011-07-10T06:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm perpetually stuck in the waiting room.
After some surprisingly quick work on the county's end, hubby will not be able to leave work early any this week. So, next week? Maybe.
And I'm paralyzed again. So much I needed to do yesterday, but I spent the day on the couch, reading, eating (because that really helps my expanding body), and mentally blocked from cleaning out my room to get rid of all those clothes I haven't been able to put on in years.
It hit me again - this realization that my baby(ies?) is (are?) out there somewhere. It was Saturday - if not in care yet, were they being hit, burned, abused, ignored, fending for themselves because nobody else was around? If in care, were they being loved, held, played with, maybe even spoiled? Hurt there too? Instead of moments of rubbing my belly, knowing my baby is safe and cared for, and being able to control exposure to tobacco, alcohol, and drugs, I am left to hope and pray, and possibly find out years down the road!
I had a dream last night that I was called and given a time and place to be, where I would have the opportunity to "hand-pick" my child. I got there, and there were 8-9 children crammed into a small Sunday School-type room. They were all over the age we have requested (3 and under), the youngest was 6, and I wondered why we were even called... But at the same time, I sat down to play with them, and tried to imagine myself with any or all of them. Then they brought in one baby, probably around 9 months old, only to tell me he had already been adopted.
I'm ready to meet my baby, already! I woke up yesterday slowly, to a quiet house. Immediately I thought it was too quiet! I'm ready to wake up to giggles and squeals and even cries. Soiled sheets and morning pukefests and gallons of milk on the floor and sharpie toddler art on the wall? Bring it. Just don't let my house be too quiet for much longer, please!

And we have progress!!!

2011-07-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

As in, the worker called our references today! Then called us to say she wants to set up a time to follow us home from work one day to do our last visit! I'm shooting for one day next week.
I've been soooooo good about not getting my hopes up and playing the "by this time next year" game, but I can't help but think... Are things moving so quickly now because they have a child/children in mind? Is this the "normal" pace? I suppose we'll see!

Observations... Or, Shopping with Baby

2011-07-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

Observation #1: Whoa, it's sooooo different to shop with a baby! Fun and enjoyable and made me very happy, but there's a bag and a kid to keep up with. And it required 2 trips back inside the restaurant, to get the pacifier I dropped under the table, and have someone fish my debit card out of the trash. Then I left it in the car at the store!!! Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Observation #2: If we get an infant, who is still in a rear-facing carseat, a taller car is in order.

Observation #3: "Strolling" through the mall with said baby will wear you out, especially if you leave her seat in the car and carry her.

Observation #4: Eau de BabyPuke is a genuine, free fragrance that will not wear off or fade away for many, many hours.

Observation #5: Why is it that I couldn't just say a simple thank you when someone commented on those blue eyes or sweet grin? It was so fun to walk through the mall and daydream about doing that with mine... But almost every.single.time. someone asked a question or made a comment, I just had to throw in that I'm just the aunt! Must admit, though, it was almost always because I was bragging that she gets to go to church with me tomorrow, and I was looking for a cute, festive dress.

Observation #IForgetWhich#: it is next to impossible to find a festive dress, size 0-3 months, the weekend of the holiday. "We" (as in I, as 5-month-olds really only care about food and attention) found ONE 6-9 month size sailor dress in the whole town. No other R,W&B to be found! :(
Observation #Last: After a full day of baby crying due to teething, and 4 little boys busy playing, and about 50 grown-ups having a fish fry at my parents.... It is soooooo nice to come home to a quiet house. I hear only the hum of the air conditioner, and summertime bugs outside.

It was a super fun day, and I'm a very happy, tired girl. A verrrry sleepy girl, who is looking forward to an uninterrupted night of sleep, so I can take care of the little girl and her 5-year-old brother again tomorrow. A girl could get used to this!

July is Tomorrow!

2011-06-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

I can't really say the First of July has ever made me want to celebrate! Sure, there was the year I spent the week of the 4th at summer camp - that was awesome!
But THIS July? It marks the beginning of the end! Which will bring about a new beginning!
It's going to be hard to *not* watch the phone, to *not* beg hubby to call the worker who is supposed to come for our last visit. I want to get this last visit scheduled and DONE.
And holy crap, we need to clean house!!!!

She's having her fifth.

2011-06-21T19:11:00.002-07:00

Child, that is. My best friend from high school. The one who doesn't even have custody of her oldest child. The one who will have 4 children ages 4 and under. The one who throws the older ones off on her mom every chance she gets. The one who does good to just take care of herself. I spent snack time at vbs feeding a 2-year-old, holding/feeding a 5-month-old, and trying to eat my spaghetti, surrounded by women talking about pregnancy and babies and planning for the next baby like I plan for my next day off. Honestly, I made it fine feeding the three of us, and I was glad for the distraction it created so I didn't feel like I had to participate in the conversation.
And this, my friends, is what happens when I start thinking I'm in a better place.* And when I try to cut down on soft drinks and snacks, because I stepped on the scale and it said, "You are disgustingly fat, please get off!"

*Which, I suppose I AM in a somewhat better place. I didn't have to bite my lip and run away from the lady who told me about my friend. And while I thought I might cry on the way home, I'm more just disappointed.

Please

2011-06-21T19:11:00.001-07:00

Another Adoption Box Checked Off, AND it's VBS Week!

2011-06-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

Another box checked off! Yesterday, hubby and dhrlady finally connected. She could interview him yesterday during lunch and me today at 4.
At FOUR. VBS starts AT SIX. THIRTY MINUTE drive to our church. Hubby's interview lasted TWO HOURS. I had to buy some supplies. You do the math!
It's another box checked off. Just a simple hour of sweat rolling down my back as I answered questions such as, "what is your first memory!" Whattha... How do you remember what exactly is your first memory?!? Seriously, it wasn't that bad - just honestly answering questions about family dynamics and such. Kind of like the ol' annual exam, not something you would choose for funsies, but you get through and you're done!
So as I was driving, my mind did it again. "By the next" is a dangerous game that guarantees "next fill-in-the-blank" will not be fun. Before I was outta the parking lot, it was "by the time vbs rolls around next year, I will be busy with my child, NOT teaching a class!" I made myself stop. I turned on the vbs cd, and got distracted by bi-bi-bi-big apple adventure music, and loving Jesus more than ice cream, and a rap song about the ABC's.
It seems like we might not be waiting an incredible amount of time. Nobody has said as much, but the you-are-getting-a-kid-soon-vibe was sooooo strong. But if we have to wait, then we have to wait, and that will be okay too.
The only other things left are our last home visit, gathering a couple of proofs of insurance, and waiting. She will come out in July for our last homevisit, then turn everything in to the state! So of course my mind goes to, "this could SO happen by the end of the ye-NOOOOOO!!!!" "Ye-ye-ye-ye-yes to v-v-v-v-b-s!!!!!"
Because right now, distracting myself from "by the next" with teaching other peoples' children about God is exactly what I need....

Stretched Thin

2011-06-06T21:34:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling stretched rather thin these days! I know it's a decent misperception, but I'm kinda feeling like I'm the only person doing anything, anywhere.
I know that's not possible, because I obviously don't work or live or attend church all by myself. At work, we're barely getting things out the door on time, and as time-crunched as we are, there are bound to be more errors. That *I* get phone calls about and have to fix. And I swear nobody can look anything up for themselves, I have to stop what I am doing and answer questions they could easily answer just by looking in the computer. Am I also the only person who can pick up the stinkin' phone when it rings?
At home... I realize I work fewer hours than hubby... But I still work over 40 hours a week... But guess who is in bed right now, and guess who is waiting up on laundry? It would even make a difference if he was doing more *outside* work, but do his parents really need to mow the grass?!? I mean I'm glad they offer and are able to, but c'mon... I'm trying to clean UP and OUT, room by room, and keep things in order. I'm not the only one who contributes to the mess, but it seems like I'm the only one contributing to the WORK.
Church is busy... VBS is next week, I was asked to teach a class this time, and I usually am just a helper. I'm about to start teaching on Sunday mornings again. The Bible study I was getting to participate in on Sunday nights has kind of fallen apart, but I realllllllly honestly don't want to start teaching again. I was also asked to help with the Wed night children's summer program after VBS. I like teaching, I like kids, and I love teaching kids... But wow, could someone else step in and HELP?!?
Nieces and nephews have become very needy again. I love those kids, and if it's been more than a few days, I'm running to their house to see them... But it seems like they all need me at the same time.
So it's easy to see why I'm just ready to pull my hair out, or run away, or something. A deserted island where nobody needs me for anything, and people serve ME for once... A girl can dream, right?
So sorry... I don't mean to gripe, and I don't really hate life as much as it seems. I just need to be needed a little less. :( It's hard to keep filling others' cups when you're all poured out youself!

Got another blog for you!

2011-06-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have another one to share with you! How did I find this blog? I do believe I came across it while searching for yard-rolling stories. Why was I g.oogling such a subject? I teach children at church. They like to roll yards. They like to roll my yard. They LOVE it when I take them to roll someone's yard. 'Cause I'm cool like that, to take my church girls to do something slightly illegal. (We almost always have permission) I say almost because if you roll my yard, I assume you are BEGGING for me to come roll yours - better!
This blog is written by a writer/teacher. She writes a lot about, well, writing, and life, and tells some hilarious stories! So go on over to www.serendipiteeblog.com and read and come back.
I love it when she talks about "just" writing a book. Does that not sound like familiar advice? "Just" adopt. "Just" get pregnant. "Just" adopt, THEN you WILL get pregnant! "Just" relax. My reaction to "just" depends on my mood. My first reaction is an eye-roll and a "sure, whatever!" Sometimes, I want to educate (roughly 8 percent adopt-then-conceive, and it really depends a lot on the diagnosis); sometimes the best response is no response; and sometimes, I just smile and remember what that blind ambition and cheery optimism feels like. Refreshing to hear that someone thinks it so simple! Whatever the reason for advice beginning with "just," it's never as simple as it sounds... Any seasoned professional, no matter how positive, no matter the subject, laughs at "just!"
I think my favorite part of this post was next. "Nobody owes you anything." Now I want you to go back and read the paragraphs, starting at "we all want something," and ending with "even when we don't see it that way." Sometimes we feel entitled to something, but we're really not. Sometimes we can make things happen, other times we can only pray.
Isn't that so true? I'm gonna speak for myself for a minute. I know it's easy for me to think some people don't "deserve" a child, and I absolutely do! Not often, but it's still there. That young dad who broke BOTH arms of his 4-month-old child? My best friend from high school who, due to a sickness resulting in a brain injury, can't take care of herself, much less her kids, but keeps having more? The mom who doesn't put her kids first? The parents who ignore their kids all the time? It's easy to think that they should just hand them over... But I'm not entitled to other peoples' children just because it's impossible for me to have "my own" kids.
I also can't "make" adoption happen. I can complete classes, answer all the questions, put those darn plastic covers on all my outlets, double-lock all medicines and cleaning supplies, make it impossible for our friends and family to open our doors leading outside because of those little doorknob things, and jump through every.single.hoop. necessary, but in the end, it's not up to me. In the same way all the trying in the world can't "make" me conceive, all the prepping in the world won't "make" me adopt.
Whew. I'm obviously a lot more wordy than my writer/teacher/blogger friend, but that's what I took away from her latest post. Now be brave, and leave me a comment to let me know what *YOU* are reading! ;)

Random bullet points

2011-05-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

Crazy times. Bullet points it is!
*short trip - We spent the weekend in the mountains with my parents. With no children! Love them, but when none of them truly "belong" to you, sometimes it's nice to have some grown-up time. And it was awesome! Lots of good ice cream, no agenda, changing plans on a whim all weekend. So relaxing!
*work - is crazy. I enjoy a long weekend a few times a year, but the catch-up craziness almost makes it not worth it! :/ And our fax machine stopped working over the weekend! We have, in the last couple of weeks, fired one, hired one, and been short-handed (and therefore behind) during the turnover. Throw in some crazy demands from our home office, and more days than not, I'm ready to just walk out. However, that's not an option, so I'm just making the best of it.
*house - is cleaner in the past 2 days than it has been in months! Laundry is relatively caught up (washed, dried, folded, AND put away, yo!), with only a couple loads left. ALL dishes are washed, dried, *and* put away, all my kitchen counters are cleaned off... We came home last night, and my plan is to set reasonable goals daily, and do just a bit more than I had planned. Last night, I planned to straighten the living room. I did that, and washed up a few dishes while I was waiting on some clothes to finish washing. Tonight, I planned to cook supper, finish the dishes, and keep the living room clean. I also cleaned our smallest bathroom from top to bottom, and cleaned off an extra counter. Not sure what will happen tomorrow night. I need to go to church, I need to work on VBS stuff for later this month, I need to keep on this cleaning streak so I don't start falling behind again. I want to see my nephews and nieces. I'll probably be exhausted, seeing as it is after midnight and I would normally have been in bed for at least 2 hours by now ;) Goals are good!
*adoption - is still... Holding on! Hoping to schedule this pesky last home visit that continues to not happen. Hoping for the end of June? Really wanting to get approved and hurry up and wait. I know it will happen when it's supposed to happen, but I want to be doing something proactive to make it happen.
*more - I'm sure I had more to say... But it's late, I'm tired, and I just heard the dryer shut off. Time to finish it up and get some sleep, preparing for another crazy day!

Role Reversal

2011-05-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

Usually, during the week, I get home several hours before hubby. I have time to relax before cleaning/cooking (on the rare days I actually get to come home, and we get to STAY home - usually niece/nephew ball games, baby-sitting, etc keep us gone), and I'm up and moving until bedtime.
Hubby usually comes home in time for a late supper and a little time to relax before bed. I try not to say anything, because I do have *more* time at home.
Tonight, I fixed supper - cheated, too: had some chicken casserole mixture in the fridge, only needed to spoon it into a bowl, spread some ground-up crackers on top, drizzle with butter, and pop in the oven.
That is all. I worked an hour and a half later, had to go buy some stuff on the way home, and got in about 3 hours later than usual. Not feeling the greatest, and otc meds don't really so the trick. Hubby came in at his usual time... So far, he has started dishes, put in some clothes, and took supper out of the oven.
You can just call me the slacker wife. ;) I predict I will feel better in a day or two, and... Not cleaning house, because I just found out we will be watching softball tomorrow night, and baseball Thursday night. :)
Hopefully, we're leaving the state for the weekend, with my parents!

I just need to blog about my friend!!!

2011-05-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

I could tell you how dumb my job is right now, but I read a blog post last night that made me smile, and did my heart so good!
Meet Ruthie. (Everybody say hi) She and I and her now-hubby worked together at a summer camp several years ago. I don't even remember how I ran across her blog, but she has two beautiful little twin girls. She tells the funniest stories about them, and she writes just like she talks - she's hilarious! ;)
I think I've mentioned the tragedy our state experienced a few weeks ago, when we had some record-breaking tornadoes. Last week, Ruth wrote about perepective. Sunday afternoon, I was waiting for my baby cousin to wake up, and I was clicking through some blogs I tend to click through in my spare time.
Ruth had posted again, and it was her last paragraph that reached out and grabbed me in a huge bear hug. My favorite part was where she acknowledged those of us who are moms, but don't have our children in our arms yet. Go on over to bogueandweejer.blogspot.com and then come back.....
!!! I wish I could say that it's not the exception to the rule for someone to see me as a Mama. I wish I could say that rolling eyes and weird looks were not the "norm" when I talk my kids. The truth is, aside from my blog, I've become extremely selective about just who I talk about it with. Mainly just immediate family and a select few close friends who I KNOW "get it."
It's something so simple. Just one little comment in a whole big post about being thankful for what she has. But those little comments really mean so much! In a world where people facing infertility or being childless NOT by choice are segregated and even looked down upon, it is so comforting when someone can reach over the huge divide and simply validate the way so many of us feel!

Clean off the couch, clear your mind

2011-05-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe that sounds like a drive-thru psychiatric clinic, but whatever, it's Friday! ;)
Weeks (and weeks) ago, I went through my bedroom and gathered jackets, sweatpants, velour jogging suits, various winter parphenalia - and washed and dried it all, and dumped it on the couch. Where it stayed.
And stayed.
And stayed.
Because I was never home, too busy running from niece and nephew ball games, church, grabbing a "quick" bite to eat, buying groceries, you name it. I made time and energy to wash clothes, but then I picked through the pile that threatened to overtake our living room, instead of folding and putting away.
That changed today. People can SIT in our living room now, in multiple places, on BOTH couches.
I always forget just how awesome it feels to get everything in its place! It really takes away so much stress, it really clears my mind. I can sit on the couch and bask in the blissful blankness.
For about 5 minutes. Then I moved the latest round of washed-dried-and-flung-in-an-empty-corner laundry to the living room.
But that just means I have a clean CORNER now, so that's still progress, right? RIGHT???? Whatever. It's Friday!

What Drives Me Crazy

2011-05-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

***Some people can call in sick, or "hurt" for as many days as they wish, when truthfully nothing is wrong. Others literally can't stand up due to pain, and get harrassing phone calls asking if they like their job and want to keep their job, before they even get home. Care to guess which group I fall into?
***My house is a wreck, but we have "stuff" planned for every.night.this.week, and now I'm baby-sitting a 13-year-old and 4-year-old for the weekend. Because they are girls I love, and they need some positive adult attention! And I'm a big sucker. I don't mind any of the things we are doing (attending ball games, teaching at church, singing at a funeral), but I seriously need to FINISH laundry, dishes, cleaning floors, etc all at the same time, instead of leaving clothes on the couch for weeks, and oh the dust bunnies.
***But what is really driving me nuts right now? People who want to solve our infertility. Hate to break the news, but if several doctors and all of my g.oogling can't solve it, chances are Random Suzy can't suggest something we haven't considered.
And yes, there are limited things we **could** technically attempt. TESE with ICSI with IVF for one. We could try DI for an "easier" attempt. The first one isn't right for us for a lot of reasons, only a couple of which are it's not financially do-able, and one of us isn't exactly jumping to get in line for biopsies and needles and stuff. The second one could be rather simple and much more affordable, but for a whole different set of reasons, not for us, at least not at this time.
What drives me crazy is that most people can't just accept that adoption is what we are doing. If I had cancer, people wouldn't say "But wouldn't you much rather just have an appendectomy instead?"
Because it really is very simple. Almost all of the time, I do not feel like I **hafta** experience pregnancy or give birth. It's just not something I NEEEEEEEED to do. Some women DO feel that need, and that is fine and perfect and natural for a lot of women. But I absolutely feel the need to nurture and mother and adopt.
When I get to the end of my life, I almost always feel that if I look back and say "I never did get pregnant," I will be fine with that. But if I am laying on my death bed without ever having adopted, without ever having been Mama, I will absolutely feel regret and like I totally missed what I was supposed to do, like I failed those who would have, should have been my children. And that is why we are choosing to adopt, not pursue endless fertility procedures.
Some things totally NOT driving me crazy right now: the ability to spend a couple of unexpected free hours relaxing with hubby, instead of frantically working... And Breyer's Smooth and Dreamy Dark Chocolate Velvet ice cream, with 1/2 the fat and 1/3 fewer calories than regular ice cream, AND extremely tasty!

It's Our Anniversary, and not my favorite day is Sunday

2011-05-06T19:47:00.000-07:00

In a flash of genius... No, wait, that's not it.
Because I was thinking ahead... Uh, hardly.
It just so happens, I planned our wedding on 5/6/7. Hubby said I made it really easy to remember!
It was also the weekend before Mother's Day, but the two fall on the same weekend this year.
4 years. I can remember thinking we would NEVER make it to 3 years, that magic number where we had suddenly been married long enough to adopt. And now a year later, we need to schedule one more home visit and we're done except for the wait. (Don't think about how other people who were in our class already have their baby. It *will* happen when it's supposed to happen.) But we really need to get our house organized and get her back out PRONTO.
So part of me thinks it stinks that we will always have to cut short any anniversary trips to be with our moms, but part of me is glad I get a legit gift this weekend, as opposed to the (very thoughtful and much appreciated) pity gift I get from my sister. The one that always makes me cry, both because I'm glad she's thoughtful and recognizes that it's not an easy day, and that I'm still getting the pity gift.
Sunday I will skip church. I spent some years MAKING myself go, MAKING myself not cry, MAKING myself appear to be okay. Then last year, I decided it's just not worth it! I grew up in church. My mom played the piano, so we did.not.miss.anything.at.church.Ever! Not Wednesday night, not revival, not prayer meetings, not funerals, we even went when she had to practice with someone else. If you were sick enough to miss church, then you didn't do anything else fun the rest of the day and were banished to your bed. We didn't really have a set curfew (be home at a reasonable hour, let me know where you're going), but if you couldn't get yourself up and be ready when Mama was ready, then you'd have to stay home on Saturday night. That is still ingranied in my head. There is no "just stay home because you wanna" at our house. Even when we'd rather not go back on Sunday night, we almost always do. But especially Sunday morning church (as if God is "more there" and keeping attendance then?), we just don't miss... We may not be at our church, but we ARE at church somewhere!
Ah, skip it! It's so... Liberating. It takes off a ton of pressure, I don't have to get mad at myself for trying not to cry (which only makes me cry harder), or try not to look upset when they are recognizing all the mothers, or answer questions about when I'm gonna be a mother. There are no looks of pity, there's just blissful, rare Sunday morning extra sleep. I leisurely get a shower and get ready to spend the rest of the day with our parents. And that is my mother's day gift to myself. :)
And finally... I picked out my anniversary gift tonight! It's beautiful. It was painted by a local artist. It has an infant sleeping peacefully, with a man's hand gently caressing the baby's cheek. The Bible verse is Isaiah 41:10, "I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
And suddenly, it's perfect that my fourth anniversary, when my baby is so close and yet so far, and mother's day are two days apart. Because I *am* a Mama, even if I can't yet hold my baby, but don't physically show signs of impending motherhood either. And what better place for my children than the hands of God?

It blows my mind: these kids weren't even born yet!

2011-04-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

So, I took some vacation days to chaperone this trip some of my church girls were taking. We are at the same camp I went to *when I was their age* because apparently I've reached the age where I can say that... And these girls were not even BORN then. Yeah, let that one sink in.
So tonight was campfire night, held at a chapel named after 4 counselors who were killed in a car/train wreck. One of them had been my cabin counselor the summer before, and another one had been at the camp all 3 times I attended. It's great that their memory lives on, after such a horrific accident that cut their lives so so short. I've been a little busy to stop and think and remember that day, but I remember the couch I was sitting on when it came on the news. I knew it would be someone I knew, but I had a peace that it was not my *favorite* counselor. The first name they called was the girl who was driving. She was my cabin counselor almost exactly a year before. As only a 12-year-old-girl can, I immediately lost it, and didn't even hear the middle 2 names, but then that fourth one - there were 2 guys with the same first name, one was my favorite, and I never thought it could take so long to say a first, middle, and last name. I was glad it wasn't my favorite guy, but felt bad for being glad. Oh, and the anticipation during the commercial break when they were about to tell who was involved, I hope I never experience that nervous wait again.
It obviously was just not a good day, and while I still think of those counselors when I think of this camp, I haven't relived the memory of that horrible day in quite a while.
It just blows my mind that when all of the above happened, these girls in my cabin weren't alive yet. There are a lot of things about camp that are the same - there is the same structure, the same "big" activities, the same rules and cabins and trails and signs in the dining hall even... And yet it's totally different. There was less singing and skits, no sign of a guitar anywhere, and didn't the naturalists seem so much older when I was 12? Well, that part is probably not so much a change for camp as a change in my life.
I said I would work here one day. My parents made me work at another camp for one summer, before they would discuss "here," and well - I just never left that camp to come back here. And now, as a married, hoping-to-adopt-soon grown-up --- I regret that I didn't come back. Sure, I certainly enjoyed the other place, but this was where it started. This was a totally different atmosphere, and I let familiarity and a better paycheck keep me from here. I'm sure life would be a lot different if I had taken that path.
******* I hate that I've been MIA during NIAW, but it's kind of hard to read, comment, and blog about infertility with a 10-12-year-old looking over your shoulder!!! We go home tomorrow, but there will be catching up to do, and some ball games and stuff, so I'm not so sure I'll be around. Perhaps I'll jump back on board the IF blogging train soon?

2011-04-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, where to start? I'm getting ready to use some vacation days. I'm going to c*amp with some little girls from church, much to the relief of a mother and grandmother who realllllllly didn't want to go, and are paying my way because they trust me with their children. :) it's the same camp I went to when I was their age (am I really old enough to say that?!?), where I first learned to climb, where I fell in love with the summer camp life. Sigh. Growing up stinks! If I didn't have to have a "real" job, I would still be spending my summers working camps.
It's been a crazy-buzy day at work, and I have a LOT I need to get done in the next 2 days. We are supposed to be closed Friday, but I have SO much to do before I am off for 3 days!!! I'm thinking about doing my best and just leaving the rest - we're truly "caught up," but I was hoping to leave "ahead," so I wouldn't come back in "behind." BUT hubby put in for a vacation day for Friday, so we can hang out and go for a REAL hike, not just a 30-minute or 1-hour walk on the paved trail. Because I decided this week that uh, I need to get MOVING if this sits-at-a-desk-body is gonna keep up with 5th and 6th graders in the woods for 3 days!
So glad for a break from work, and you'd think all would be AWESOME... But in the (few and BRIEF) quiet moments of today, it's been a sad, teary kind of day.
Hubby's cousin was having a procedure today after finding out the baby she was expecting had died. Pure speculation on my part, but I'm thinking they didn't come by this pregnancy exactly easy or fast. So sad for her...
And it's holiday time! Reminders abound of look-what-you-two-are-missing. Grown-ups look funny walking into a children's easter egg hunt without any children. We didn't stay, hubby just wanted to walk in there to see our niece after church, but oh how I long to NEED to stay for those events!!! Sunday morning I'm in the nursery, which is good - I won't have to watch those after church family pics being made, I won't have to look down at all those precious little families and know there's an empty spot or two or three in mine. And Mother's Day is coming up. I'm once again making plans to sleep in during church, and hang out with our moms the rest of the day. It's really such a relief, a weight off my shoulders, and gets rid of extra stress - to just stay home and relax, instead of making myself go and attempting to stay sane and not cry.
So many thoughts and emotions! The realization that I've spent all these years holding back tears at church, but when we finally have our children, I will probably never have dry eyes, out of pure happiness. The sadness that another holiday, then another will come and go with my arms still empty, mingled with the urgency that comes with the knowledge my babies are probably alive right now. My heart breaks for hubby's cousin and another old friend in the face of their losses - I wish they didn't have to be in this place, know this pain. I want to be there for them, but not really sure HOW. The happy for them / sad for me that they probably WILL one day achieve and maintain and bring home a real, live baby that they conceived and gave birth to, and I will not. I'm usually okay with never being pregnant, but this is one of those times it just makes me want to cry.
Isn't it kind of funny? We haven't really shared our fertility issues with many people, out of respect for hubby's privacy (and that of his family)... And yet people know. Just last Sunday, I had a very sweet elderly lady at church apologize for something she said weeks ago about when hubby and I were going to have kids. I told her we were adopting, and forgot about it. Another lady told her we couldn't have kids, and this lady came back and apologized because she thought she hurt my feelings. It's so nice when people apologize, and try to make things BETTER, as opposed to running you in the ground a little more, rubbing a little extra salt in the wounds.
Sorry for the rambling post! Wasn't sure where to begin, but once I did, it just came spewing out... Now I'm not sure how to end!

Pardon the silence!

2011-04-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

So my uncle was kept on the vent for 6 days. The Saturday after his wreck, the machines were turned off, and less than 2 minutes later, he was finally at peace. The funeral home said he had more broken bones and worse breaks than the hospital told us about. We were given instructions to not let anyone touch him, because of his broken neck and shattered face. We knew about his neck, and we knew he had a broken nose and cheek bone - but apparently his face was actually shattered. His wife is supposed to come home today.
So life is returning to "normal" but it's so strange. I get caught up in what I'm doing, then I'm like "Whoa - my uncle was killed by a tex*ing driver!" It's just so bizarre that we lived that - that I was shopping in the mall when I got the call, that it actually crossed my mind when I peaked in before the nurses made us leave that I might never see him conscious again, that we spent days in the tr*uma unit, that I actually watched as the tube was removed and he took his last breaths. Just bizarre.
in other news, my house is a wreck. We simply **HAFTA** get this mess cleaned up, so we can have our second visit, so we can one day get some children in this home! A week at the hospital, followed by funeral stuff, followed by the beginning of tball/softball season for our oldest nephew and niece. One day, my little babies - one day.

Prayers, please

2011-03-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: please excuse all @'s, *'s, 1's, and incorrect spelling - attempting to keep the g00gling family members away!!!
My uncle R, his wife D, and her son M were involved in an accident a couple of days ago. They were h!t from beh1nd, pushed into another l*ne, where they were h!t he@d-on, then h!t in the s!de.
M is fine, only a bro*ken f1nger, but he was dr1ving, so feels responsible, even though it was clearly not his fault. D has several broken bones (r1bs, hip, maybe ankle, something funky with the knee), and now they are taking a second look at her b@ck, she is having tr0uble breathing and they put her on 02 today. She was laying down in the b@ck se@t, and ended up with her le*gs in R's lap in the front!
R isn't so "lucky," if you can call it that. He WAS restr*ined in the front, but the @1rb*g was turned off. His breaks include but are probably not limited to: vertebr@e in neck & b@ck, nose, cheekbone, left @arm and/or elb0w in at least 2 places. Initially, he was very consc1ous, spouting off his injuries and room number and code, and demanding to be laid on his b@ck. He was bleeeeeeeeeding, they think from his nose, and it wouldn't stop. During that, he "p@ssed out" according to some, and "c0ded" according to others. (They DID call a Code for his room, hello - do they do that for someone who "just" passes out?) He has been sedated and on a resp1r*tor since late Sunday night. There are conflicting reports ranging from no response and only reflex1ve movement, to an 1ncre@sed he*rt rate at the sound of our voices and frowning/clenching when his various tubles in his mouth are disturbed, to it's too early to tell if it's brain de*th or dam*ge, to some combination of all of the above.
I'm exhausted. And sick. We were at the h0spital until 4am M0nday, then I got around 4 hours of sleep before working in a different ph*rm*cy than usual (my ant works for our s1ster company, and of course she was at the hosp1tal, so they made me work for her. I was only 10-20 minutes away from the hospital, so I went and we got home after midnight last night. I struggled through work today, trying to stay awake. Somewhere between another hospital last weekend (when another aunt was suspected to have a he*rt att*ck, but later found out it was ac1d reflux), this hospital this week, and wiping snotty noses at church Sunday morning, (and I'm sure the stuff that is blooming doesn't help, either) I have what feels like a sinus infection coming on. So tonight, I didn't go to the hospital, but my nephew had a baseball game... It was coooooold, but I couldn't NOT go to his game!
So now I'm in bed - this is the earliest I've been HOME to be in bed all week. Tomorrow night, assuming there's no major changes for anyone, I need to go to the funeral home... A teacher fron h1gh sch00l died from complications with leukem1@, after being diagnosed less than a month ago.
Whew. Lots going on! Please say a prayer for everyone mentioned above!

Shows they should let us film

2011-03-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

Since my favorite "reality"-type show has yet to appear, and since my favorite channel is favoring hoar*dies and freaks making ba*lloon things and weirdos "saving" tons of money using coupons on a billion boxes of cereal over wicked awesome tats, how 'bout some shows "they" should REALLY consider?
***A Bachelor spin-off where a birthmom chooses adoptive parents. Or heck, maybe let older children decide who will adopt them.
***A Hoarder spin-off that shows the left-over fertility drugs in AnotherFailedCycle's fridge, or the completed baby room including diapers and ready-to-wear clothes behind a closed door for the girl who lost yet abother baby.
***Or maybe 19 Embryos and Counting! Watch next week to see if Suzy Q can produce more eggs than Michelle ever thought possible, and STILL manage to NOT get preggo!!! Keep 'em guessing, make the 2WW be in real-time.
***In an Intervention-esque special, all the infertiles surprise the new mommies with the shock and horror of how we really aren't interested in your latest 12-D ultr*asound pics, and horror of horrors, have the audacity to ask that you please talk about something besides baby puke and dirty diapers and not sleeping?
***Picture it: a race over the world to see who will find and obtain the cheapest HCG injections: the overweight bride-to-be, or the formerly-skinny infertile.
Yeah. I should pitch these ideas and see how it goes.

The Comment that Rubbed Me the Wrong Way

2011-03-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

So I got caught up in The Bac*helor. Tonight was the fi*nal r*ose, and he chose who I wanted him to choose. BUT. But. But.
When his family met the final two, his SIL said something that rubbed me the wrong way.
His family was commenting on which one they felt he should choose. One of his sisters-in-law made the comment that E was a better fit with the fam, because she was already a mom, and you don't really "get it" until you become a mom. WHOA. STOP. PAUSE.
Actually, that's just what I did. I paused my tv, and gave the girl a piece of my mind. First, I know plenty of girls/women who have "became a mom," and TOTALLY didn't get it.
I read plenty of blogs written by barren women who "get it." MORE than "get it," actually! The ability to get (and stay) pregnant does NOT automatically mean you GET **anything** beyond less sleep and more (albeit positive) stress. Likewise, just because you can't get (or stay) pregnant, that doesn't automatically equate with not "getting it." Are there differences? Sure. It's a different lifestyle. Different responsibilities. Different goals, dreams, priorities, different CARS, for cryin' out loud!!!
Then my mind goes back to a post by Sara at everybitterthingissweet.wordpress.com a few days ago. She reminded me that I **am** a Mama. I forget the title of her post, but it was about praying for your children. For real, you should just go read everything - she hits the nail on the head on a LOT of things! I've been praying for my babies for years. I truly mean that -years. The very night I knew we would adopt, I started praying. For their biological parents. For God to protect my kids' hearts and minds and shield their eyes. For so many things - that's barely scratching the surface.
I am Mama, but I wish other people could see that. Of course not everyone "gets it." I suppose if you never had to wonder if you would ever have children, or if they came easily, maybe you didn't pray for them for years. Certainly there are women who faced no ferility issues who prayed for their children for years, or months, or days, before they were conceived.
But don't tell me I don't really "get it" because you do not SEE children who call me Mama.

Speaking Up

2011-03-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

So we started something new at our church in the new year. We've had a w*m*u program forever (no, really - forever... It's a bap*tist thing, specifically sou*thern, if I'm correct), but it's mainly been an elderly thing for a loooooooong time. It's meant to be a time for the women of the church to gather and focus on missions. We have a growing, thriving women's ministry in our church, that only gets better as more of us get more involved and many of us share the same passions and burdens. Oh, I'm not saying I really "fit in" with the rest of the ladies. I mean, I'm not a mom, so that seperates me from all but one other "grown-up" lady, and she and I are not necessarily taken as "serious grown-ups." Which, granted, we don't really take ourselves extremely seriously, even though we're both in the medical field and dependable grown-ups in every way besides Mommy. I dunno, it's like if you've somehow veered off the expected path of the adult (because, y'know, there's only one path) you are somehow less of an adult, or at least not an adult to be taken seriously. But I digress, hugely!
Where was I? Oh yes. Women. Of all ages. Coming together, with similar minds and hearts and burdens and concerns. We meet once a month. (We have other, more-age-specific activities and Bible studies and classes the other Sunday nights) So the lady "in charge" of getting someone to do the devotion happens to be a 10-ish-year-old girl. One of "my girls," as in one of the girls I teach - one of those constantly hanging on me, wanting to just hang out with me and soaking up all the NotTheMama they can. I LOVE it. And I LOVE these girls! Every one of them! And I'm digressing and rambling again!
So yesterday morning, this girl "A" told me she forgot to ask someone to do the devo, and would I pleasepleasepleasePRETTYPLEEEEEEEEASE do it on short notice? Ha. Maybe she knows that my best lessons and classroom ideas are never planned, but things I pull out of the air at the last minute. Or maybe it's more that God takes pity on me and knows if I planned and made notes, I would be second guessing those notes, get all nervous, and not really say what I should anyway. As I digress again.
So I'm very comfortable and used to teaching kids. Give me one or 100 babies-to-teenagers, for 5 minutes or 3 hours, and all will be entertained and learning something. Adults, on the other hand, that's a whole other can of worms! We're talking moms of the kids I teach, and their moms, and THEIR moms! Some of these women remember when MY DAD was born!!!! That was more than 60 years ago! To say I feel underqualified would be a huge understatement.
What do you speak about when your audience goes from age 5-85? You speak what is on your heart. What is constantly and forever on my heart? Orphans. My babies. The "least of these" are my babies. I read a couple of scriptures that talk about God adopting us as sons (Ephesians 1:5 and Romans 8:15) So I asked several kids and adults what an orphan looks like. I got answers like dirty, poor, etc. Then I mentioned several orphans in the Bible - Moses, Esther, Samuel. Jesus. Me and you before we became believers. Adoption - a perfect picture of what God did when He chose me to be His child. And I finished with James 1:27 - pure and undefiled religion is to care for orphans and widows - and that it doesn't just mean adopting literal orphans... We're also supposed to love and care for ALL of the "least of these," including the smelly kid at school, to the grown-up every one else tries to avoid.
Which worked out wonderfully well, as the big topic of discussion was beginning a food ministry. To serve those who need food, for whatever reason - from too poor to too busy to too sad - and minister to them and/or bring them to God.
I have received lots of compliments and "we're praying for you"'s and such. I was told I was very confident by one, and "I could never get up and share my heart like that" by another. Honestly, I never saw myself doing that, either, but I can only say it was a God-thing. The oldest lady in the church choked back tears as she told me she was praying for me, and said she's been meaning to call my mom and tell her how proud they all are of me, and what a great job my parents did raising me. I say that not to brag about myself, but to say look what God is doing! Oh if you only knew how far God has brought me! Truly from despair and depression and thoughts of su*ic*ide, to THIS. What a might God we serve!
There's quite the paradox developing... The closer we get to putting faces on these children, the harder it gets to not have them with me; but it gets easier and easier to talk about them, to tell other people about them, to share with the world how God has revealed to us He would grow our family.
I feel like I'm transitioning into a "real" grown-up. And I'm doing so among a number of women who encourage and support me, and are sososo excited about God's plan - not only for my family, but also for our women's ministry, our church, and our community.I'm so blessed to have been planted in this community at birth, and this body of believers as a young adult. I cannot wait until he plants some young babes in my care, under these ladies!

It's Noon on Saturday...

2011-02-26T10:15:00.000-08:00

... And I'm still laying in bed. I woke up and read for a while, then fell asleep again. The only reason I'm getting up now is b/c I'm starving.
You see, there ARE advantages to **not** hearing the pitter-patter of little feet early in the AM!

Wait. No. Not yet.

2011-02-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

Wait. No. Not yet. I'm weary of hearing those words. I'm ready for green lights and go aheads. My sister sings this song that says when God says no, there must be a greater yes. I'm trying to wait patiently, and be content with where we are right now, and serve Him while I'm waiting.
Right now, though? Right now I just want a week off. To rest, relax, and just BE.
It's been a weird week.

My Biggest Fears

2011-02-22T20:57:00.000-08:00

Because there are some things going on right now that I don't want to blog about until I can wrap my head around them... Because I haven't even talked to my husband yet... Because I know I'll just write-freak-delete-repeat... Because maybe writing about this will get my mind off writing about that... Let me tell you my biggest fears. Doesn't that sound like FUN?!?
Being alone. I don't mean just like for a few hours (I usually love that, and *need* my alone time). I play out life scenarios in my head (control issues, much?), and in one of those, we never made the adoption thing happen, hubby died, and I ended up an old maid all alone. My nieces and nephews were busy with their own families. In my line of work, I do see that a lot. And any time I read an obituary or hear about a local person like that, it scares me. We have several widows in our church, and a couple never had children, or their children and families don't come around much.
I'm afraid to not be needed. I like to take care of people, but I also NEED to do that. I guess it makes me feel needed? Granted, there are times I feel *too* needed, but what if one day, nobody needs Aunt NotTheMama for anything?
But that's not what I really wanted to say tonight. It's been a strange couple of days. I'm having trouble remembering some dates, I have no clue what is going on in certain areas of my life, and I'm on the proverbial roller coaster. I did something yesterday I never thought I would do, and got results that I half expected, but reacted totally different than I ever imagined. It's nothing bad, but I'm just not ready to really mention it.
More to come....

Everyone is in agreement

2011-02-20T19:54:00.000-08:00

There has been a common theme over the last week or so. At first I dismissed it as my crazy infertile thoughts in overdrive. I attributed it to announcement, after announcement, after announcement. But it's not just in my head anymore....
His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. Nothing is impossible with God. He makes the impossible, possible.
And tonight, without knowing the thoughts that have been running rampant in my mind, without me mentioning anything beyond adoption, a church friend felt it. She prayed for us. In the parking lot, with just a few close friends. A prayer in faith. If God could raise dead bodies and give them life again, and we all believe He did, He could correct whatever problems we have. She prayed for whatever adoption plans God has for us, too, and prayed for God to grow our family in whatever way He sees best.
I've started lots of posts about what a bad infertile I am, because I don't remember where I am in this cycle. Then I decide I'm being ridiculous and delete them. We definitely haven't been truly ttc. It hasn't even been a thought, we haven't even entertained the notion of temp charting or perfect timing or counting the days.
For the first time in a long time, I want to hope. I want to believe. But do I dare? My body seems to be pointing towards CD1 within a day or two, but what if I'm wrong? It's dangerous ground, this hope, and it's easy to get caught in a (21-28) day cycle of hope and despair. But maybe it's different this time. Maybe God is not wanting me to try, try, try. Maybe He simply wants me to trust, trust, trust. If I wake up to CD1 in the morning, maybe I'm just supposed to do as my favorite verses say, and remain joyous in the Lord. Even if the fig tree doesn't bud. Even if there are no grapes on the vines, the olive crop fails, there's no food in the fields, no sheep in the pen or cattle in the stalls. Even if this egg doesn't bud into an embryo. Even if there are no sperm. Even if there is a pregnancy and it fails. Even though there's no bun in the oven, no babies in the beds, and the house remains quiet and toy-free. I'm still supposed to have my joy. Why? Because the Sovereign Lord is my strength. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights.

In My Dreams...

2011-02-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

Have I told you that I sometimes dream of my children? I don't get to see their faces, but it's so precious.
Last night I had another one. It was really weird, because we were on our church bus, pulling into the parking lot of another local church, when our pastor caused a chain-reaction massive wreck (even though we were barely moving? lol dreams are weird)
So they were removing bodies (massiven indeed! People DIED!!!), cleaning up debris, etc, and this 3-or-4-year-old little boy was wandering around looking for his mommy. He was so so sad, and understandably so. There was discussion of did she die in the crash, or did she drop him off before the crash, because she couldn't take care of him. So she was dead, or had abandoned him. I looked in the ditch for her body, in case they missed it since it was dark, but it was finallly decided she abandoned him.
This time I couldn't see his face because it was dark, but I DID GET TO HOLD MY BABY!!!!! (!!!) I was trying to console him as he just cried and cried. He told me he missed his mommy, and I told him "I know, baby, I know. And that's okay, it's understandable!" He said he "just wanted to go home," and I told him something about how there's no place more comfortable, no place you feel like you can really relax, except for home. He told me he wanted to go back to his first home, with his mommy. I told him he couldn't do that, but I promised him I would take very good care of him and love him so so much forever and always.
I love these dreams, and cherish every God-given dream I have. I am thankful He gives me glimpses of my babies, if only in my dreams for now, and I truly believe He has given them special angels to watch over them until Mama can hold them for real.
Hold tight, little dudes. Mama will be there as soon as it's time!

Plugging along

2011-02-01T19:34:00.000-08:00

We're just pluggin' along here. Baby Niece is doing great, no more blueness, chubby little cheeks, actually cried to be put down tonight! Love that little girl, even though her brother says I can't! ;)
Weird dreams abound, not sure what that craziness is all about... Stress? Too tired? Random occurence? Oh well.
We need to clean out a closet, so we can figure out how to turn the hot water heater down a little. And find our list to make sure that's all we like, and schedule the final visit!
It's strange... We've spent the last few years with adoption being this far-off thing that happened to other people - and now, here we are - thinking in months instead of years! Totally weird to think that I could need mat*ernity leave this calendar year!
Final thought: the closer we get, the more I miss them; my quiet house and lack of toys in the floor grates on my nerves more now than ever.

Randomness

2011-01-30T06:05:00.000-08:00

1. The baby came home Friday. I held her a little bit, but my mom was having some bp issues, and we debated taking her to the er. It came down some, so she went to d*ocin*abox, who proceeded to give her some really dumb meds that she's not gonna take. So she's going to find a family doc.
2. I just can't get enough of holding and kissing the baby girl.
3. I hate those movies where everything works out in the end, and of course the couple lives happily ever after and has 2.5 kids with zero fertility issues. I hate that I'm this jaded, but IRL, the good guy doesn't always have it easy, just because he makes the right decision. Let's have him marry the right girl, but struggle through IF. Ugh I sound like a crochety old man. 4. I just woke up from a dream where there was some big party going on. It started in a restaurant, but then we were in a lodge. There were random people I really know, but from different times and places in my life. They all had babies or big bellies, except for me. They were passing one little girl around on posterboard, which I thought was dumb, then I almost dropped her and she cried. Then I held her and she went right to sleep.
5. I also had dreams about finishing all of this adoption stuff. Probably b/c hubby and his dad finished the rail yesterday, and we're just about ready for our final home visit.
6. Today is the 5th Sunday of the month... Which means that tonight is the community singing at our church... Which means I really will see random people from random places, and most of them will have babies and/or big bellies.
7. Sometimes I just want to lay down in the floor and pitch a good ol' fit - screaming, crying, kicking, and saying "When's it MY turn????"

And then comes the crash....

2011-01-23T20:30:00.000-08:00

Or actually, the slow, downward spiral that will result in a crash. A crash that will hopefully come in the comfort of my own home, with no company and witnesses of the ugly mess.
Because my precious little baby is back in the hospital, and I have to wait until morning to find out if she's still okay.
Because I will have to wait days and days to snuggle her up and kiss her and love on her and smell that little baby smell. Assuming she's okay.
Because I am once again an "only"....
"Only" the aunt. People who don't know our history do not understand there is so much more. Aunt NotTheMama is so much more than "only," the big brother wants her to look like me because I'm the funnest aunt. I may not BE Mama, but I am able to step in with a large number of children, and be substitute Mama when the "real" thing can't be there. With almost equal parts spoiling, loving, and discipline - Aunt NotTheMama is fun and bends the rules to some varying extent as long as safety is not compromised, but you still have to behave and eat your veggies and have manners.
Strangers do not even begin to know that Aunt NotTheMama can be counted on to be Mama at any time, with little to no notice, with sick kids, in the middle of the night, get them to have fun in the midst of tragedies, etc etc etc.
So "just" the aunt doesn't get to go in the nicu. And it's just hospital policy. And I'll just have to look at her through the window. And just wait until she comes home. And just take another slap in the face, another stab in the heart, because while family sees me as special, to the rest of the world, I am still "just" and "only" the aunt.

Hospital, Home, NICU

2011-01-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

Brand New Baby Girl is in the NICU!!!! She did fine in the hospital, we figured her little hands and feet would be normal color in time. Everyone noticed that she turned blue from chin-nose, but it seemed to happen when she was sucking her pacifier, so they took it away. Then last night, I held her for a while, then laid her on the couch for a while. She started turning blue again, so sister called a local peds office. The dr on call (not out favorite, but not the least-liked either) basically asked her questions about being full-term. He didn't really offer any advice, so sister called the hospital nursery where she was born, and they said get her there asap. So far, they haven't really found anything, but they've done a lot of testing and cultures. Hopefully we'll know something soon!
They are only letting parents and grandparents in the NICU, so Aunt NotTheMama isn't liking that at all!!! They did get to hold her up in the window, and she looked better. I'm just ready to know she's okay, and snuggle her up again! Big Brother's care is being managed by me. He spent the night with us last night, is spending the night at home tonight, with me tomorrow night, and we'll see from there. Hopefully they will get to come home Tuesday, if everything goes okay.

Baby is here, I witnessed it all, and they haven't locked me in a room with my own white jacket yet ;)

2011-01-19T16:07:00.000-08:00

Turns out it was a good day all around. God is good, and has given an abundance of the grace and mercy I've prayed for. We did get here before she was born, and I did decide to stay in the room. I watched it all! And I got to cut the cord! And then, I got to hold her fuh-evah! Then I got to hand her to nephew C, who was beaming with the pride only a big bro can have.
So take that, AF! Yeah, she decided a coupla days ago that she needed to join this party.
I'm so glad I decided to go in there.

It's all good :)

2011-01-19T09:23:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went to see a coworker's brand new baby girl. And I was fine! :) Today, nephew C and I are just hanging out, waiting in his baby sister to make her appearance. We're at the best indoor playground fastfood place, and I'm sitting here talking with another Mama, like I actually belong here in the middle of the week... I told her I'm tha aunt, and yet I still feel like an imposter ;) Bottom line is, we're all good, we're all happy, and nobody is near a nervous breakdown just yet. Now if baby sister will quit being stubborn and just get here, already!

What's really going on?

2011-01-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

I started to post about how I miss my babies. I've wondered why I have this unexplainable urge to cry at random times today. Why am I so stinkin' tired, and why can't I get motivated to get off the couch and DO something?!? And wow at the anger monster rearing its ugly head over the smallest thing! (No, I'm not - that whole lack of sp*erm thing, remember?)
Duh. Couldn't have anything to do with Tuesday night and Wednesday plans, could it? Meet Niece #2. Seventh person to call me Aunt NotTheMama and really "belong" to me. Well, eighth, really, but one never made it to Earth. :(
Tuesday night, nephew C will spend the night. I was able to arrange an early morning dental cleaning to avoid taking a vacation day, then we will be playing it by ear. We will either be heading to the hospital, or a restaurant-with-a-playground, depending on when Little Sister will be joining us on the Outside.
I'm so excited to finally meet my newest niece! And see C's face when he gets to hold her for the very first time! And spend our last "unshared" time together!
But... And I'm really weary of all the "but's" I have to insert... Hospital time has been difficult for a few years, but this is the first hospital time since we started the adoption process, and since we "officially" found out there would be no 9-months-and-hospital-time for us, and even though she's only younger by 13 months, my baby sister is having her second and I'm still waiting on my first. And I have to hold it together until I hand off the nephew to someone else.
What a major whine-fest!!! But it's where I am. This, too, shall pass. In 6 more days. :)

It really did snow!

2011-01-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

I know, our friends up north are laughing right now - most of the state has already called off school, work, and all activity for tomorrow. Nurses are spending the night at their hospitals, it's a major winter storm - all 5 inches! ;)
I was imagining the weather forecaster who cried wolf. We've not had this much snow in YEARS! It's crazy! Hubby came home, and there was a little ice/sleet on our deck... Less than an hour later, I look outside and everything is covered! IF it snows at all (and there have been many winters when it didn't) IF we see any snow at all, it usually doesn't stick. IF it sticks, it takes all day to get an inch or less. At Christmas, we got almost enough to cover the ground, but the sidewalks and roads were still visible. Tonight, within an hour, it was ALL covered!!! I just looked outside again, and everything - the road, driveways, ditches, grass, EVERYTHING is just a big, white blanket!
Hubby heard earlier that his office would open at 12, unless that changes with their 8am conference call, and I haven't really heard official word, but assume we will be closed... IF hubby has to go, I will probably ride with him and do some work too. But he's currently in bed running a fever (seems like it could be the flu!) so I can just see me trying to inch down the road to the dr tomorrow... I've never driven in anything like this, but if he needs to go, I'll have to just take it slow and see what happens!
I'm such a little kid - I'm ridiculously excited about a snow day! I've been going from front door, to back door, to garage door every few minutes. Gotta see what it looks like now! I'm too excited to sleep, but too afraid of the dark to go play by myself. Gonna go finish the laundry and dishes in case we lose electricity!

Gearing up for BS, Round 2, and another announcement, and ready for baby

2011-01-08T05:12:00.000-08:00

***Gotta go get some pink plates, pink cups, and pink napkins and forks today for sister's surprise BS. All pink, because she's having a girl, and has sworn that she hates pink and will not make her little girl wear pink. Our family is just smartaleck enough to go overboard with the pink, just 'cause! Just ready to get it over with really. Mostly family, but I'm sure some others will be there and ask questions. This is one I can just stay busy at, though, and hide if I need to. Staying busy is good.
***Hubby kindly told me that someone from church is expecting her third little one. Pradar had kinda already kicked in, along with common sense - she wants 4 children, her youngest is the age her first was when she had the youngest. It really makes it easier to be told like that, instead of those large group announcements, or a million other ways.
***as much as I dread watching other women experience pregnancy, I don't hesitate to just eat up those little babies once they get here!!! Sure, the hospital is difficult, but I manage. Sorry that I perpetuate that baby-starved wingnut myth, but I spoil babies rotten, don't put them down or share unless asked/begged, and just drink in their lotiony sweetness. Kiss those little cheeks, rock them back to sleep, count those little fingers and toes... I always have to unwrap them and take off their little socks, so I can see their full length and those precious little toes! I'm not a feet-person; I refuse to touch the feet of anyone over about age 5, and 5 is pushing it, but I will kiss little baby feet. I will kiss little toddler feet too, but only when they are fresh out of the bathtub, and only if I have bathed the child myself and know they are clean and I have carried them to the changing table or couch or bed. So really after about age 3, I am done with your feet!
I just can't wait to snuggle up my baby niece! It's been 2 years since we had a new baby in the family! That little girl is already spoiled rotten. ;)

Aaaaannnnnndddddd... I'm done with being mad, for now :)

2011-01-06T19:27:00.000-08:00

Turns out the trip to buy the gift was the suckiest (pretty sure that's not a word?) part. Nobody asked any dumb questions, I didn't need to escape to the bathroom, and not the first tear was shed. Rewarded myself with some yummy Mexican food after. I'm not angry anymore, but someone forgot to transfer that little bit of info to my tummy. :(

i'm just gonna be mad, okay?

2011-01-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

I've got 30 minutes to pull it together, make it look like I've not cried, pack these dumb diapers and stupid wipes into the useless giftbag, and drive the 15 minutes to this dang baby shower. And repeat on Sunday. With a smile.
But right now, I'm just mad. I'm mad I looked like I was on a death march, just trying to walk through the dumb store. I'm mad that I just spent another 20 bucks to get somebody else more diapers, and I've yet to need any for my own children. I'm mad that I can't just enjoy the freakin shower. I'm just mad.
I'm mad that my mom will ask me what's wrong. I'm mad that I really gotta pee now, but I'm holding it in case I need to escape for a few minutes. I'm mad that well-meaning people are gonna ask me STOOPID STOOPID questions, and I'm gonna have to smile and give them a fake, happy answer, instead of "because we can't, you moron!" and a frown.
I'm. Just. Mad!!!!
I'll be even madder if I don't make it through this shower without tears. Have I mentioned that when I'm mad, I cry even more?
I'm just mad, but I'll get over it.

A New Friend from Ukraine?

2011-01-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

I wandered across a blog yesterday (or was it Saturday? I was sick in bed both days, they're kinda running together). It is written by a missionary in Ukraine who works for a ministry that aids street children. My little Denis is too old to be aided by her ministry, as they work with children under 16... But hers is a nifty little blog with lots of pictures and tells of current goings on in Kiev. The last I heard of Denis, he was in school, and wanted to train to be a banker. A while back I had a disturbing dream/vision that he was sinking in a river, and I awoke as his arm was being bitten/eaten by a fish. I do hope it was only a dream, but it startled me so there was no going back to sleep - only lots of prayers for my little buddy.
So now through this new blog, assuming D is still doing well and in school, or at least in Kiev, I can see pictures of the places he frequents. I know this may sound corny, but I wonder if he admired that same purple Christmas tree? Did he walk past that monument today, or down that street last night? Is he warm? Is he eating, is he still in school, alive? Is he staying out of trouble? Does he still think of hubby and I?
Every time I get a new link in Kiev, it both breaks my heart and gives me hope. It breaks my heart that I couldn't find such a bright, loving little boy a home, and that he will have to struggle so just to have a chance. It gives me hope that Someone is watching over him, that my prayers are being heard, and maybe, just maybe, this new link can provide a story or picture or phone call. Hey, it has happened before!
It's not easy having part of your heart on the other side of the world!
http://www.greetings-from-ukraine.blogspot.com is the blog... I hope she won't mind me sharing!

screpfroat, stumickvyris, flew

2010-12-29T19:16:00.000-08:00

That's what I've been exposed to since Christmas. Niece had da screpfroat, but supposedly wasn't contagious when we were with them. Oh yeah, didn't mention the cold/sinus junk everyone has been sharing at work. As for thatnastvirus, I've been around no fewer than EIGHT people who had it. And directly taken care of 3 of them - washing their dishes, cleaning their toilets and pukebuckets, waking up to the sound and smell of active puke-fest next to my head. And sister took babynephew to dr today, and he has the stinkin' flu. The sister and baby who were spending the night when the virus struck. The baby I held and cuddled and snuggled, trying to keep him away from his pukey mama. Yeah.
I've had a migraine since I woke up, that meds haven't touched. I've been warm/cold/warm/cold/warm/cold all day. Started coughing. Yucky nose. Feel like poo. What are my chances of having the flu? (Insert sarcastic laugh here) No time for dr - got a loooooong day of work tomorrow, much like the rest of the week has been.
I asked them to drag my dead body over to the dr office next door if I kill over at work tomorrow.

White Christmas made for a spend the night party, and a virus

2010-12-26T07:06:00.000-08:00

First, Christmas was great, and we were able to travel everywhere we were supposed to go, and I was fine! We had our first white Christmas, and it's still here this morning. Snow doesn't happen very often, and it certainly doesn't stick much, and for it to stay over 24 hours is amazingly rare! We had fun playing yesterday.
Older sister and her brood live over the mountain, so they spent the night last night.
There's been lots of sickness going arounf the schools and places, and I have managed to dodge the proverbial bullet, even though I've been exposed a million and one ways. Not so sure I'll dodge this one though!
We pulled out both "couchbeds," as my nephews call them, and the 3 kids, sister, and I slept on them, hubby slept in our bed. Around 7;30 this morning, middle nephew woke up beside me. Puking. Yuck. He said his tummy didn't hurt or feel funny, and that he had a hiccup that made him puke. We were thinking, hoping, praying that was the case, until around an hour later. While sister was cleaning him up, we heard hubby in the other bathroom. He's quite a bit sicker than nephew. Sister and I are trying to decide if we really feel bad, or if it's just an impending sense of doom. Hoping the rest of us avoid it, but not really sure how that's gonna happen!

Peace on Earth... and in my heart

2010-12-24T09:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's Christmas Eve. I'm not spazzing like I thought I would be! (I know it's early lol) there's a tinge of sadness, but mostly just peace. I half-way joked yesterday that God was showing me great grace and mercy (boss on vacation, only tech missed half the day b/c she was siiiiiiiiiiiiick and had been all week but chose the one day there was no back-up for her to go to the stinkin' dr, MONDO amounts of work that HAD to get done! NOW!!!!) because it was a relatively quiet day, and I didn't have to work late. But for real, I'm feeling the grace and mercy. Aaaaand, now I'm crying because I'm okay! Hahaha but that's a good thing. So now I enjoy the moments with the niece and nephews and family, and enjoy the quiet moments at home. I know there's no guarantee my house will be louder next year, but if this is my last quiet Christmas, I'm determined to enjoy it and not wish it away. Merry Christmas, everyone! May God show you grace and mercy as well. Hope you all enjoy your days!

Promise I didn't fall off the edge

2010-12-13T19:05:00.000-08:00

I'm still holding on! Granted, it's a slippery slope this time of year, and add on who-knows-what-they'll-come-up-with-next at work and well... Let's just say I've started-deleted-started-over-lost-started-over-trashed-it-and-gave-up a wholelotta posts in December.
So I started out in July, singing Christmas music @ church choir practice, and thought this year was gonna be a breeze. The music for this year brought me to a place of worship, instead of running for the bathroom. Let's face it, a holiday focused on sweet little baby born to virgin mommy kinda kicks infertiles in the face repeatedly. Add in presh little cherubs all dressed up and Santa and Silent Night and buying lots of toys for other people's children and knowing YOUR babies are probably alive somewhere in the world but not with you, and you've got a little less than the most wonderful time of the year.
Yes... I try not to dwell on it, but I'm fully aware that my babies are who-knows-where, being treated like who-knows-what, on Christmas. Are they cold tonight, as the temp drops into the teens? Are they safe with loving foster parents, baking cookies and being an angel in the church play? Are they still being subjected to whatever will bring them into care? I can only pray that God is holding them, keeping them safe. That's the only thing keeping me sane.
The girls I teach on Wednesday nights hit the nail on the head... Everyone asks me what I want for Christmas, and I just tell them I don't know... When I know very well what I want - my babies, HOME, for Christmas and forever... But that's something nobody can get for me. "I don't know" works on grown-ups, or maybe it's just that they have a filter that keeps them from doing what my girls do. As they are all hanging on me, hugging me, and trying be the one closest to me, they ask me what I want for Christmas, and I give them the standard "IDK." At least one of them will say "I bet you just want your baby." Ah, sweet little girls. I love them all, and only wish that grown-ups could be so tender and thoughtful.
I've managed to keep it together in public - all of my church Christmas stuff is over, and I made it through all those events without a tear. My nephews' play is this Sunday night, so we'll see what happens when I'm not preoccupied with singing and keeping little ones on stage and passing out presents.
Maybe that's why I procrastinate so much - if I stay insanely busy, I don't have time to stop and think about anything.
And speaking of busy, we found out over the weekend that we're having my dad's side of the family over Saturday for Christmas. This tree's not gonna decorate itself, so I'd better get back to busy!

It's not even 9pm...

2010-11-24T18:17:00.000-08:00

...And both batches of brownies are cooling. Supper is done and waiting on hubby to get home - a big pot of soup so I can freeze what's left. Pasta salad is done and in the fridge. 1 casserole for lunch and supper are mixed together, ready to chunk in the oven in the morning and afternoon. There is a very minimal mess to clean up. I've gotta mix another casserole, then decide if I want to do pigs in a blanket and split a cake into 2 smaller ones.
I might get to watch the parade on tv tomorrow! Sometimes it's more fun to *not* fly by the seat of your pants!

New Friends, and Playing with the Nephews

2010-11-22T19:57:00.000-08:00

Please excuse the non-blogging. I've been sleeping more, going to bed earlier, and ah, just give me more sleep. And looking for adoption stuff for fb. :)
We had our community revival last week - most of the churches in our community come together, we have services @ different churches, and each pastor has their night to preach. We have several new pastors, and one of them and his family could easily be our new friends! He preached one night, and touched on the adoption topic, mentioning the very verse I had read the night before. So after the service, I thanked him and told him I had just read the verse and we were getting ready to adopt... And he told me their son was adopted! It was an awesome story - they had tried some fertility stuff, suffered a loss, and decided to adopt instead. It happened really quickly, then they ended up conceiving on their own a year later - and now have 2 under 2! The last night, I met his wife and children. Both nights, we all talked for a while.
It wouldn't seem like a big deal to some, but keep in mind that we live in the middle of nowhere. Adoption playgroups do not exist, the path hubby and I are on is "weird" and people just can't understand why we wouldn't "try for our own kids." So to meet another youngish couple who share our heart for adoption, and "get" why we've made the decisions we have, is a big moment!
Nephews... I didn't get to see them last week, because of revival and funeral home stuff. I missed them like crazy! So yesterday after church, we all ate at my parents' house, and my job for the rest of the afternoon was to play. The other grown-ups got the house cleaned up and ready to decorate for Christmas, and Aunt NotTheMama just PLAYED. It was warm, and dry, so we were outside. "Outside play," in the baby's words. We played ball, and ran around, and tackled each other, and jumped on Aunt NotTheMama, and rolled around in the grass, and played chase... It was such a great afternoon! They are all hilarious, and say the funniest things. The baby will be 2 next month, and he is really starting to talk, and say things that HE comes up with on his own, instead of just repeating whatever we say. He like to say "Ummmmm..." when you ask him something. They are all such little hams!
So, if I disappear again for a while, you know I'm either sleeping or playing... Or if it's Friday, I'll be shopping!

Sometimes, it's just too much

2010-11-14T20:22:00.000-08:00

Our dogs had their puppies... Yes, both of them. On the same day. I believe in sharing, but that is just ridiculous! We have 14 lab-somethings. Welcome to Aunt NotTheMamas, where the dogs get knocked up easily and quickly and give birth at the same time, the tomato plant is very fertile, and the humans are anything but...
My mom backed into my car, then hubby and I were an hour away from home when his truck exploded and we were stranded in the cold parking lot for over an hour. A kind man and woman stopped and told us it sounded like we had blown a spark plug. A gracious friend made the hour drive to tow us in, and is working on it. Again, ridiculous.
We're back to one car, and it needs some body work now. This is the week hubby has to stay late at work. It's also our community revival.
But it's not all crappy things happening in two's. I baby-sat 4 siblings Friday night, and they told their parents I was the best sitter ever, and they want me to move in. They keep asking for me. Today at lunch, the waitress couldn't figure out who our niece and nephew belonged to. They wanted me to sit between them, and I just did what I always do, coloring with them, playing, and without asking, I automatically jumped in and cut up the little guy's food. Everyone bragged on Aunt NotTheMama on a day she really needed to hear something good. One full week of work, then a 3-day week. Another full week, then I'm using my remaining 4 days of vacay. Not sure if we'll be able to go anywhere after we fix both vehicles, but the time away from work and together will be enough. Work continues to be not fun or nice.
The porch railing is coming along, they just have 3 more pieces. I feel like we've kind of stalled out on the adoption process, until we finish this project. We still haven't sold our old house.
One day, life will be better. things will improve, someone will need our old house, our new house won't be so quiet, my job will change or go away, and life will be better. Apparently Someone wants me to work on my patience until that day :)

I wish, but i'm glad

2010-11-13T06:41:00.000-08:00

I've started a post for several days now, only to delete it and go to sleep. I've begun to blog about the way I wish things could be... I wish I could feel nothing beyond total happiness when someone makes their big announcement, but there's a varying degree of sadness thrown in the mix. I wish I didn't think it so strange that so many only have to fall into bed to procreate. I wish my sadness didn't apparently come across as anger to some.
But at the same time, I'm glad... I'm glad that I can be walking down the street, see a child of any nationality, any shade of skin, and think "that could be MY CHILD!" I am not limited to dreams of a tiny, squalling, naked newborn covered in slime; no, when I dream of how my children come to me, I am not limited at all!!! I see different ages, races, developmental stages... I'm glad that I have a lot of mommies in my life who know how much I love children, and are happy to hand off their babies to Aunt NotTheMama for a few hours. So many just let me love on their kids and spoil them and play. Mama gets a little time away, too, which makes her a better mommy. I'm glad we have had time to prepare for life with kids, and we have had time to ourselves.
It's so important on this journey to keep a proper perspective. Without perspective, it's easy to turn to the bitter side.
Last night, I kept an old friend's 4 children, ages 2-5th grade. It was the easiest baby-sitting I have done, they were great kids, I made 20 bucks that I fully intend to just spend on myself because I can, but best of all, the 8-year-old daughter told her mom I was the best baby-sitter ever. A 2-year-old who has only seen me a handful of times, has never played with me, and didn't know my name didn't bat an eye when her parents left, reached up for me to hold her, and laid in my lap at bedtime. Most kids do trust me like that. Those times take away the bitterness and the hurt intended by other people. :)

Really Mine?!

2010-11-06T07:00:00.000-07:00

I got (read: picked out for myself) the best book for my berfday last night. It's by Mary Beth Chapman! And it's called Choosing to See. The lady at the bookstore told me to be ready to cry, and that she and her 18-year-old daughter couldn't finish it. I was already tearing up just looking at the pictures! I was ready for sleep when we got home, but ended up reading over half the book before I couldn't force my eyes to stay open any longer.
It hit me like when my nephews and cousins tackle me and I'm not expecting it...
MBC was writing about the moments before Shaohannah was brought to their room, about how she (MBC) was still nervous, scared, and unsure... But when that door opened, she ran... RAN and grabbed her little baby Shaohannah and hugged her up and was immediately, undoubtedly, forever Shaohannah's Mommy.
That's when it hit me... I. Will. Be. Mommy. Not Aunt "N," as I am to more children than just my "real" nieces and nephews. Not just n##e""s**s//a to the adults who feel silly calling me "aunt." Not "just" the aunt, or the babysitter, or the ss teacher, or the friend. Mama. Mommy. Forever. My child. I don't have to send him back home the morning after spending the night. She will run to ME with her skinned knees and broken heart.
Warning: this will sound selfish and childish and you very well may think I should just grow up, already... But I have waited a long time for this, and seen it happen for so many others, so many times. I've wanted so badly to be Mommy. Yes, I'm reaching that (self-proclaimed) status I said I'd never reach - the Baby-Starved Wingnut. And I don't even care. Here's that selfish/childish/grow-up-already part: s/he is MINE, and I DON'T hafta share!!! Mine to hold, and feed, and change, and give baths, and rock, and only share when I darn well feel like it! Oh, I hope to not hurt feelings, and I'm so afraid I will. I fear that I won't be willing to let anyone else hold my baby; grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends who have waited so long, too, will want their turn. I'm already the baby hog - as in, if we are at a bday party or church or wherever, when I get whatever baby is there, I don't share well. I admit it, unapologetically.
I know it won't be all rainbows and butterflies. I will eventually want a break. I will eventually look forward to spend the night parties with Grandma or aunts. I will gladly say, "Oh, you can change him," gladly let someone else feed the messy little booger. Eventually. But for the first little bit, I am the mommy, so you'd better back off. Please :)

**'s

2010-11-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

** I'm freezing. With flannel sheets, one of those soft/fuzzy hotel blankets, a comforter, and wrapped in a fuzzy lap blanket, and sweatpants and a longsleeved tshirt, I'm laying in bed freezing. But we will NOT turn on the heat just yet. Because we may need the air again any day now. This is the time of year we just let the heat/air rest, and freeze or sweat, depending on the season of the day.
** I'm up late. 2 things I wanted to watch on tv, I made it through half of the second one. I've been falling into bed between 7:30 and 9:30 the past couple weeks.
** My stomach hates me. But the scales are thrilled that I either have to eat something bland, or stay near a restroom for a while. Thinking it's stress, but...
** Adding up everything makes me wonder if I should be making an appt. But where? With whom? And when?
** 4 vacation days. Trying to find a time when I can get away from stupid work.
** I've typed this all with one eye open, and it's about to close. Spell check will have to wait.
**Good night!

November - Thanksgiving, birthday, NAAW

2010-11-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

... But not really in that order!
All month, it's National Adoption Awareness Month. I'm telling myself (and now all 3-ish of you) that I will post at least one adoption-related fact/verse/statistc/anecdote per day, to my f*cebook. I didn't really make that announcement on fb, because I didn't want to look like a total goof if I make it to Day 5 and get caught up in other things... Or just forget that I was going to do it, or decide to post instead about how awesome my chicken and dumplins are, even if I DID make them... But it's okay to put it here, because there is exactly one person who is my fb friend AND a reader of my blog, so I'm pretty safe... Unless the rest of you are on fb and send me a friend request! ;) (which is totally okay, too lol) People like to talk about their kids; while I'm waiting, I like to talk about how mine will join our family!
My birthday is a few days away. The last year of my 20's, but hey, all 30 means is I'm old enough to adopt from China! 28 hasn't been that bad overall, but I'm hoping 29 is better. :)
Thanksgiving... We have so much to be thankful for, and I'm working on that. I tend to see the "realistic" (read: sometimes "negative") side of things. It's easy to get caught up in the busy-ness and that feeling of being pulled in a million directions, and forget that life IS good, things could actually be MUCH worse, and one day things WILL get better.
Of course there's also shopping, and holiday-vacation time, and family time, and hopefully a completed porch rail and home study. Busy month!

Train up a tween in the way she should roll, and when she is old, she will teach someone else...

2010-10-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

The 4-6 grade girls I teach at church have been begging me to go roll yards with them. But they rolled my yard a couple of times instead! So Wednesday night after class, they asked me if I could take them, and I said sure. So one of their moms met hubby and me for supper, then took off. The first yard was not very successful, and the mom of the house was actually kind of mad - HER boys don't DO that kind of thing because it's soooooo TRASHY!!!! (Or fun, and the neighbors have seen those boys doing some rolling, but whatev)
We had an ah, "appointment," for our adult Sunday School class, to "visit" some new members, with our b-i-l, and the girls came along to "visit" with us. Between 15-20 of us, over 1 case, it looks good!
Finally, one of the little girls at church is kind of between that group of girls (the "big" girls) and our niece's group (the "little" girls), and she was upset b/c everybody else was getting THEIR yard rolled, and NOBODY was rolling hers!!!! So most of us went to her house and did a quick pitty job.
And now we are home... My back hurts, my legs are already sore from running, and usually that much (read: any) running brings on a migraine the next day...
BUT we had so much fun, and so did the kids! Obviously, as their teacher, imparting the word of God and helping them learn their Bible verses are very important, as is setting a good example by living what I am teaching... But sometimes, they just need to see you having fun. They need to know that it's okay to have fun, and that even grown-ups like to let loose and do ridiculous things!
I also told them that I'm only an adult when it's absolutely necessary, but the rest of the time, I just like to have fun!
Now I'm off to unlock my medicine box and get a head start on this old body!

My Parents

2010-10-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

Hubby has been busy putting out fires for about a week now. No, for real, putting literal fires, like with flames and smoke and 911 and the whole shebang. And it sounds like the're about to get called out again...
So what's a girl to do while her hubby is busy with hoses and big trucks and a buncha men? Eat with her parents, of course! Sunday, I actually had lunch with hubby's parents, because there was a brush fire that got a house. Or house fire that turned into a brush fire, I don't really remember what caught fire first. Anyway...
Tonight the guys were gonna be busy fighting a woods fire, so my mom asked if I wanted to go eat with her and my dad. It got me thinking...
I really don't spend enough time with my family. Especially my parents, who won't be around forever. I'm ashamed to say I don't talk to my dad enough, much less see him! It's no excuse, but I get caught up with work, nieces, nephews, church, housework, etc... And sadly my parents have come after all of that. I don't expect them to be going any time soon, but you never know. None of us are getting any younger, my dad had cancer several years ago, my mom has RA and other stuff... I've got to do better. I told them I would cook for them soon... But what I really need to do is just go over and hang out, or invite them to do the same. And thank them for all the sacrifices they made, for keeping me safe, for keeping our family together through some really hard times, for staying together in a time when so many haven't. My parents are awesome, and I want to spend time with them while I can.

8, 9, 10... Ready or not, here I come!!

2010-10-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

Please tell me everyone else saw the news story about the couple in Michigan whose children were born on 8/8/8, 9/9/9, and 10/10/10!
I smiled when I read her quote about definitely not having a 11/11/11 baby - they wanted 3, and she's glad they have that. Such thoughtful wording makes me wonder if she has a sister/friend/etc with IF.
But I have to admit, there is a part of me that would betcha 11/11/11 will be happening.

... And then the poo hit the fan

2010-10-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I "st*ea*l the j*o*y" from pg announcements. And apparently, I get mad at people when they are able to make that announcement. At least that's what I was told today. And I responded that no, it doesn't make me mad, I'm GLAD other people don't have to go through this. Does it hurt? Sure. Am I a little quieter and do I keep to myself after an announcement? Sure. If that is misconstrued as anger, then I'm sorry.
Am I angry? Or what am I angry at? I'm angry at and about people who don't have the kahunas to tell me they are expecting. It makes me angry when someone maliciously keeps that news from me, but talks about it in front of me. It hurts my feelings AND makes me angry when someone kicks me when they KNOW I'm already down. I'm angry with the whole IF situation, but not with people for whom IF is not a problem. It does make me angry when a cr*ck he*d can have all the babies she wants, then people like hubby and me spend years trying to help those children straighten out their lives. I'm NOT AT ALL angry with the birthmother who knows she can't give her child the life she desires, and chooses to let someone who can do so raise that child. It takes great strength, bravery, and love to do that, and I have the most respect and gratitude for the women who make that choice.
Those announcements do in fact hurt. I can honestly say I am happy for someone, and still hurt for myself at the same time. I may need some time to digest the news, but I'm still happy for the person.
It sucks to be in these shoes... It's easy to get beaten down when announcements and big bellies and second and third and fourth children all happen so easily for everyone around you, but you've never made it past CD28, and you're trying to follow all these ridiculous rules so that someone else can tell you that you are "good enough" to adopt a child. But apparently, I'm also supposed to walk around with a crap-eating grin on my face and never be sad or upset, so I won't "st*e*al the j*o*y."

Biting My Tongue :)

2010-10-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

No wonder my appetite hasn't been great - it's probably because I spend 3 days a week chewing in my tongue all day. :) just biding my time... Why, you ask? FCW is pregnant. FCW is telling people, and talking about her pregnancy, right smack in front of me, but doesn't have the anatomy necessary to tell me so. And it's really hard to not insert a crapload of smart aleck remarks every time she says something. I really just want to punch her in the face and tell her exactly what I think, in no uncertain terms. But instead, I keep turning the other cheek, and letting her play her game, and let God handle it. It will catch up with her eventually, and I am only responsible for myself and my reactions.

Mixed Feelings

2010-10-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so ready for us to get a r*ail for our f*ront s*teps, finish our last 2 interviews, have our last home visit, and move on to the wait. I've been having dreams of my child, of a little boy, specifically, but I can never see his face. He's never the same race, but always a boy, and always appears to be 2 or under, but always old enough to be at least sitting up. Of course, this could be because we have mostly nephews, or it could be something more. I have come to accept that this is the way we're supposed to adopt this child.
I'm not totally comfortable with this whole idea of dhr adoption, but this is what we have to work with for right now. I'm fine with the children. I know that no matter how our children come into our lives, they will all be loved and cared for the same. I understand our lives, schedules, and priorities will drastically change, albeit in a good way.
What I'm not totally comfortable with is this... I know that I am essentially taking as my own a child whose mother probably did not willingly relinquish. I know what it's like to have the choice of being able to have children taken from you, but I'm sure that is very different from having an actual child taken away.
Our county is kind of spread out, geographically. Everyone from "town" thinks it takes "forever" to get to our community. But when you get right down to it, 30 minutes is not that far. There are lots of smaller communities, but really only one central town in the county - where everyone goes to eat, see a movie, etc. There's another city we frequent in another county, about 45 minutes away from home, but we both work in that city in our county, and for weeknight or quick trips, it's that city.
Do you see where I'm going with this? Couple a small town, with family who were essentially forced to give up their child, and running into strangers that child calls mom and dad? And it's not just made-for-tv drama; I'm not just thinking about Lifetime movies. I know, in real life, a couple who still take alternate routes home, who have had the grandmother threaten to kidnap the children, who are constantly watching their backs. And that's not the life I want for my kids!
As much as I think my baby deserves a new stroller, I infinitely more think he deserves to know his history, he absolutely has every right to know where he came from, and why his eyes are brown or whether or not cancer runs in the family or that he gets his sense of humor from his biological dad. I want my child to have access to this information at the very least. I would love for my child to have a relationship with the lady who first gave him life... But in this situation through dhr, that is definitely an exception to the rule. It is up to the adopting parents to decide how much contact, if any, will be allowed. I suppose it might be easy in court to say, "Nope, we're done!" and run away with our baby... But what about later? I know that our parents will be awesome grandparents to our children, as we have watched them with our niece and nephew. But as a child who grew up without a close relationship with any grandparents, and as someone whose grandparents all died before I was really an adult, I can't take my child away from ANY of his grandparents. As the funaunt, I can't take my baby away from aunts and uncles that have cared for him. And as long as his safety and well-being are not in question, how could I take him totally, forever, completely away from the very people who gave him life? Did they make some crappy decisions? Maybe so. Did they fall into cicumstances beyond their control, that made it impossible to raise the baby they loved? It's totally possible. Does that mean they should absolutely never see this child again? Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it does, but maybe it just doesn't.
If it does, are we willing to take the necessary steps to make certain that our children are not in danger? Is it possible to always know when safety trumps knowing your family?
Of course, it all depends on the situation. Perhaps I've thought about all of this for naught. Maybe we'll never have to find out. But I want to be prepared if we do.

Why my (still hypothetical) child deserves a NEW stroller

2010-10-10T08:59:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday. I should, and would normally, be at church, but the coughing, hacking, and sharing of germs would probably not be appreciated, especially by those 3 battling cancer in our relatively small church. And the antibiotic I finished last night has decided it really doesn't like my stomach. So anyway, here are some adoption-related thoughts I haven't taken the time to blog about...
***My baby deserves NEW. I realize that at first glance, that sounds extremely stuck-up and very new-mommyish. But... We are adopting through dhr. I have been told by a dhr worker that she had to take kids from their doctor-parents before, it's not just limited to the poor, the addicted, the abusive. At any rate, my child will be leaving a crappy situation, where he has not received the things he needed, much less wanted.
So when I went to k*ids m*rket, my sister looked at me like I was a crazy person, when I didn't purchase the ONE stroller that was for jogging, with 1 swivel-type wheel on front, and 2 big wheels in back. My reason for leaving it? It was really scratched-up, especially the tray on front. I don't want a secondhand-looking stroller before my baby is even here. My baby deserves a new stroller he can scratch up himself! I don't mean it like it sounds... I'm normally the let's-find-it-at-a-yard-sale girl. Let's look there first, and we'll buy new if we need to. Our first couch was what the previous owners didn't want to move. We sleep in the bed that was my grandfather's, I would have no other dining room table than the one I grew up sitting at for family dinners, card games, and homework time. Our guest bedroom furniture came from an aunt. Most of the toys we currently have are from my childhood. I don't mind second-hand stuff. But for my baby, my baby that may have been abused, or mistreated, or left to his on infant devices... He deserves a new stroller! Without scratches! The crib, I would use the crib my sisters and I all slept in, and older sister's boys all slept in... I know the history of that crib. I know we were all lovingly placed there after being rocked to sleep. I know none of us were left in there for days, never were we "locked" in our crib for punishment. There was a lot of love in that crib. It is still in good shape, though obviously not new after 6 babies and over 30 years, but I would use it in a second.
So I'm not above hand-me-downs. As the middle, but smallest, child, I had plenty. There was a time I had no shoes for school, and my parents couldn't buy them. A friend cleaned out her closets, gave us several bags, and the last thing in the last bag was a pair of nearly-new shoes in just my size. I cried, and wore those shoes with pride. I sometimes like hunting through the thrift store, if I'm in the right mood, and finding an awesome pair of jeans. (As long as I have some hand sanitizer close by... I feel so dirty when I leave!)
Used is fine. Used is great. There was a time when, without used stuff, we would have had to do without. I've never had a new washer-dryer, my fridge at both houses were used, we brought the verrrrry used deep freeze with us to the new house. The houses themselves were made for and used by multiple other families before we moved in them!
But we can afford a new stroller, even though the kind I'm wanting is one of the more expensive kind. Hahah no, I'm not planning to do any jogging with it, I only run if chased, but it's a LOT easier to maneuver than the other kinds. It may be a small thing to some, it may seem silly to experienced parents who know that saving a few bucks is okay, and the kid really doesn't care. Heck, he may not have ever been IN a stroller!
I don't do it because I expect my child to look up through the little sun-flap and say "Oooooh, mommy! This shiny new stroller is soooo perfect! Now I expect only the newest and best for all of my life! Thank you for caring enough to get me the stroller without the scratches!" I don't do it because I am "too good" for used, or because we just have the extra cash floating around for new EVERYTHING.
I do it because...
-My baby deserves new.
-Maybe I'm trying, in some way, to make up for whatever he's been through, probably in the same way that he'll be hugged and kissed forever, he'll have all the bedtime snacks he wants, and will be, through some eyes, spoiled rotten through and through. But he will obey, he will have manners, he will have chores, he will be expected to be the best person he can be.
-And if you come to my house around bedtime, you'd better not laugh when my teenaged son's legs are dragging the ground as I rock him to sleep. Just sayin.
I already have plans to shop for clothes at k1ds m*rket. If our adoption is timed right, I can be set with used clothing for 2 whole seasons. If it's not, I plan to get enough "new" to get us to the next KM sale.
But a new stroller, we will have.

They're on #2 (or 3, or...) and we're still sitting at a big, fat 0

2010-10-08T15:18:00.000-07:00

It's so hard sometimes to remember that my time will come.
I look around, and so many people who married at the same time we did now have at least 2 children. People who married way after we did are teaching their babies to crawl, their toddlers to talk, their big boys to read. Bloggers I started reading a few months before our wedding have multiple children, and they had none when I started reading. On fb, I see "kids" that seemed soooo much younger than me in school, and they have multiple children.
I can't say that being a SAHM was "all I ever wanted," but I also can't say I really ever wanted to be a career-driven woman. If someone came to my house tonight, with 1-3 children, and told me I could quit my job and be a SAHM, I would probably hug them until I squeezed them in half. We are discussing and re-evaluating this whole fostering thing.
I try to remind myself that having children in your home doesn't autonatically guarantee a perfect life... That I know people who have children and are miserable, who have children and have other problems. I try to remember that my life is just different - it's not necessarily bad, we're just doing things in a different way, and we're definitely on a different - I hate to say schedule - I guess it's more that our life is taking on a different time line. My time will come and all that jazz.
I've always prided myself on being my own person, not really going along with the crowd.... But just this once, I would give almost anything to just do things the normal way.

Seeing old friends in a new light

2010-10-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

I ran into an old kind-of-friend last week at a con*signment sa*le. We worked at the same camp, in the same department, except I was "sumrstf" and she was a "townie."
I kindasortamaybe thought there was a possibility she could be with child, but I REFUSE to ask that question unless I KNOW that I KNOW there is a baby in that belly. She and her hubby are going through the same kind of class we just finished, but they are planning to foster. We chatted for a few minutes, and both said we'd look each other up on fb.
When we connected on fb, I looked at her profile, and lo and behold, my pradar was right again - it rarely fails me! Looking back a little more, I saw a comment from another sumr-staffer who we both worked with my first summer. Through their brief exchange, I learned that they both are (or were) experiencing infertility.
If only we'd known! When we were so incredibly busy playing volleyball, going to Sonic or dollar movies, back when we had TIME to just sit and chat for hours after we finished our shifts! Which might also have been weird, I mean none of us were dating the guys we're married to now, and how would we have known where we'd be 9 or so years down the road.
I get this crazy idea every now and then of staging some sort of weekend get-together at this camp for all us infertiles. Kind of like the blogher event I've read so much about, but on a much MUCHHHHHH smaller scale. Granted I'm not really sure I could drum up an incredible amount of attendees, and I would have no clue how to set up such an event. It would absolutely NOT be to make any money, but there would be expenses, such as on-campus lodging, dining, speakers, etc. Maybe not even have set, paid speakers, but just a weekend to get together with women who are all in the same boat. You know how women like to talk - heck, I would take sitting around and just sharing our stories, sharing what's going on.
Getting back in touch with this old friend, and learning that she and another person-from-the-same-place and I are all IF, renews this idea. But how do you get from idea to actual event? I mean, wouldn't it be a little awkward to shoot a message and be all, "Hey, I noticed on your fb that you and so-and-so are infertile, too! Wanna get together and sing KumBaYah?" Not that there's anything wrong with singing KumBaYah or anything. And yes, there *was* some limited amount of campfire singing back in the day, but not KumBaYah. ;)
So... I wish we had all known about IF back then... And I wish we could all get together NOW and make it into a pseudo-conference-type-event. Any suggestions? Thoughts?

It was a fun, relaxing day -- then we hit a deer :(

2010-10-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

Finally, after 2 weeks of unbelievable stress from my job, we had a fun, relaxing day. No emergency trips to the bathroom. We spent the middle of the day at an outdoor craft festival with hubby's family and a couple of friends. Hubby and I stayed a little longer, then did some furniture shopping and went to eat.
Then, we were 5 or 10 miles from home, I was reading something on my black*berry, heard hubby's frantic "ohhhhhh nooooo".... Followed by a flash of deer, some loud crashing and the deer disappearing under his truck. So much for relaxing! We pulled over to turn around and see if the deer was in the road and heard some horrible scrubbing... It's kinda driveable, but the way the fender is bent in, it scrubs against the tire if you turn right. If you're wondering, the deer is definitely dead.
We are fine. We have insurance. Trucks are fixable and/or replaceable... But it sure does suck. It took some work to stay calm and not have the mother of all nervous breakdowns on the side of the road... Since we still haven't sold our old house, money continues to be tight. We have different schedules, and now 1 driveable car. My job is driving me reallllllly nuts realllllly fast. How 'bout another thing to add to a growing list of things that make me want to take a long vacation and not come back? Except then we would have to own 3 houses :(...
Oh well... The important thing is we are okay. :) And we're glad we weren't in my little car. We probably wouldn't have driven OVER that deer, it would've probably totaled my little car! Just a few weeks ago, we responded to a horse vs car, and they both lost. This, too, shall pass. One day (hopefully soon), we will be past this, and life will not always be this stressfull. Or there will be different stress. Or somethin'!

I feel like a yoyo

2010-09-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

Suffice it to say, Friday was a better day, today was more crap. Gotta love it when someone flat-out refuses to do a small thing you request. Especially when you have other things to ask of them tomorrow. :) Even better when your immediate sprvsr won't do a thing about it, and even though you hate to do it, going over her head to the next boss up is the next step. Really disappointed in both people. Gotta start going in earlier due to another employee causing problems. AAAAHHHHHH, can't we all just get along?!?!?!?!
Ah, well, at least I'm losing some weight in all of this! My stomach has been in knots for a week now. My appetite has gone wayyyyyyy down, and whatever I do eat isn't staying with me for long. (Don't feel like I really have to say this here, but NO, I'M NOT so don't even suggest it)
I liked my job a lot better when things were much more simple... This too shall pass... Isn't that how it's supposed to go? Just trying to hang in there until it does finally pass!

Discouraged, Disappointed but not surprised

2010-09-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

---wishing I had never accepted this promotion. It seems impossible to accomplish what is being asked.
---as best I can tell, I've really ticked off most of those in my office, by telling the truth to our boss. The truth about attitudes and hostilities and the way my promotion was on paper only.
---Favorite Co-worker is at it again. Received a txt msg from ph*rmacist that said to prepare myself "emotionally for news from *****". No shock there, pradar kicked in weeks ago. Also not shocked that, again, she talked about it IN FRONT of me, but wouldn't TELL ME. That's fine, whatever. Trying not to stoop to her level, trying to decide what my reaction should be if/when she does tell. I would LOVE to say "Yeah, I know. I heard you talking about it, and I figure these things out on my own; I also knew the last time you were pregnant!" But, knowing me, I'll probably just say congratulations. Well good, hopefully in 9 months we'll be able to tell her goodbye and never see her face again. I know that's ugly, and probably not the best attitude, but it's that whole pearls and swine thing. I'm tired of being nice to someone who only returns it with more bitch.
So what now? When I accepted this promotion, we were years away from adoption. Now, we could be down to a year or two. I really just want to tell them they can have their promotion back because I don't really feel equipped for the job, and we are adopting sooner than we thought. I really REALLY want to find another job, or just quit and stay home, and find some kids to baby-sit or something. There are lots of things we could cut out of our budget. I'm volunteering to go back to a regular phone, give up my favorite shows I never miss, I would even move back to our old house if it meant staying home with my babies! Our new house could be sold as soon as I said the word, to our neighbor's daughter. But hubby is a little less gung-ho.
Ugh. I give up. I'm going to sleep.

What a Colossal Waste of time, money, hotel room, food, gas, etc

2010-09-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'm "training" this week. Today I've learned how to sit quietly in a chair and wait for a meeting. Yesterday I learned how to sit quietly in a chair and try to stay awake when you're insanely sleepy.
Okay, I did learn a little more, but not enough to warrant 3 days out of my office. ;) It could've been done in an afternoon.
Oh well... I got lots of sleep last night, it's a break from the usual grind, I haven't had to put up with any smart-mouthing. I'm at work but not really working, I'm getting a break but not having to use vaca/sick time.
I have lists of stuff I want to replace/buy for our house, I have a cleaning list for when I get back home, I'm in the mood to clean things out and get rid of junk. Tomorrow, I will return home, go back to the grind, and start working on all of my lists.

My, what a rowdy bunch!

2010-09-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

I had 6 girls tonight... Or was it 60? It sounded like 60, but I have too much candy left for that number.
But do you want to know what I LOVE?
.
.
.
.
.
I love the reception I got when I walked in. They were eating, I walk in with 2 books plus my Bible, a box of candy, a bag of candy, phone, keys, etc, and am nearly knocked down by a swarm of kids of all ages all hugging me and hanging on me and asking me a billion questions, and mostly "can we have some candy?"
Rowdy bunch, those kids... But excited that Mrs NotTheMama is getting a child. And just as appalled as I am that international adoption is so darn expensive. And they think all the rules and regulations are bordering on ridiculous. And they want me to get a 10-year-old. It's funny and cute that they all request a child their age, no matter how young or old they are. Even if they know the age we requested.
I'm glad I decided to teach again this year. I have mostly "church girls," who basically know the Bible stories, with one who kinda knows some stuff, and another who is a clean slate with little to no knowledge. So I'm using 2 books. The first is a children's book of object lessons. It requires minimal preparation and not much extra "stuff"... Tonight I only needed crackers, but we used gum instead. The other book was written for adults. It explains about the different names of God used in the Bible.
I find that most people, adults and children alike, do not really know that when our KJV, NIV, etc Bibles say "God" this or "God" that, the original Hebrew/Greek meanings were so much more. We use God as an umbrella term, and miss the significance a lot of times. So it's a good book for the Clean Slates and the OMG Do We Have to Hear About Jonah And The Whale Again crowd.
It's gonna be a great year! :)

Why am I about to watch this show???

2010-09-14T17:47:00.000-07:00

I know it's coming. I don't know WHO is going to announce they're having another kid, but they are saying it on the preview. Is it gonna be kid #20, or grandchild #2?
I normally love this show. I want to watch this one. But I know if it IS #20, UGH. And if I hear her cheery voice one more time sing-song "Someone's expecting!" All sweet-like, I very well may punch the tv.
Okay. I'm done with my tantrum now.

Looking Back... Looking Ahead

2010-09-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I had been that nervous about our visit or my eye exam, but now that they're both over ---- I'm so relaxed! I guess that explains the weird dreams, the increase in migraines, the feeling of being "off"... It's not that I thought they would tell us our house wasn't clean/big/new/good enough, or that we weren't active/old/young/home enough to take on children. More a fear of the unkown, I suppose, even though I was calm and I know that God's got our backs, I'm not one that particularly loves uncharted territory! I hesitate to try new dishes at restaurants, for cryin' out loud!
One of the questions we had to answer was whether we have any negative feelings about being childless. Our simple answer was we have just accepted it as a temporary status - that we've known we wouldn't get pregnant for so long that it just is what it is, we roll with the punches and spoil other peoples' kids in the process. A simple, and totally honest answer.
It wasn't always so easy. From the time I found out, I set my mind and heart on adoption. There was still that mourning the loss of experience, and I cannot honestly admit that baby showers are still not my favorite thing, I sometimes don't want to see huge bellies, and sometimes I still want to just disappear when people start encouraging me to not give up hope of a miracle pregnancy. Dude, how do you know that's even something we care about anymore?
(My 4-year-old nephew has picked up my "dude" and several other phrases I use, and it's rather hilarious!)
It's a little surreal to think that infertility is so NORMAL to me. I find it strange and WEIRD that some people just have to go to bed to get pregnant, MAN, some people have to try equally hard to NOT have another child! Because we never really got to try like that, it's such a foreign concept --- AND I'M FINE WITH THAT! Yeah, at one time it bothered me that we never got to try, sure, it's sad sometimes. But it's okay. This is such a comfortable place to be. Which usually guarantees change is coming soon!
Gone are the days when I try to avoid the whole pregnant vs adopting conversation. I still don't go into detail about our lack of fertility, per hubby's wishes, but I've learned that people are a lot more open to adoption than you'd realize. So many people are praying, and encouraging us, and EXCITED that we seem to be moving so close to our children. And while just a few months ago, I would've not really volunteered an incredible amount of info to complete strangers, I spent a decent amount of time today, less picking out glasses and more talking to the lady who was helping me about adoption and the whole county process and private adoption. She is trying for a private adoption, and it's just so stinkin' nice when you run into someone who is in the same place and shares similar thoughts on the same topics! I imagine this is what it's like when two pregnant mommies sees each other in the mall??? It's just awesome!
This is a great place to be. I look forward to meeting our kids and getting to know each other and finding our rhythm as a family with children... But I fully intend to enjoy the here and now. This patient waiting, days of enjoying other peoples' babies and dreaming of and praying for our own. I found 3 pennies in a parking lot tonight, 3 little pennies all laying there together, and I couldn't help but smile, offer a prayer of thanks and wonder what the significance of "3" is. Pennies are not just worthless change to me. My nephews have been collecting them for my "baby (our last name) fund" jug, and when any of us see change in town, we kind of pounce on it. Yes, I turn into a 5-year-old over roller coasters and dentist visits and a penny in the parking lot, and I am not at all ashamed of any of that! So this may sound silly, but I really felt God smiling down on me - on this significant day, for me to find 3 little pennies! I occasionally find one, but 3 is a rare find! And so I also said a prayer for the 3 children those little pennies represent - whether they will one day be entrusted to me or to someone else. Nameless, faceless children, but God knows who they are, and they absolutely matter to Him. And me. :)
I realize that may sound a little "out there" to a lot of people (good grief, she's giving lost change personalities? Really?!?) However, it's my blog and my own little world and I reserve the right to interpret things in a manner that seems fitting to possibly nobody beyond myself.) Hahaha.
I could go on and on, but alas, this is a picture-less blog, and I'm sure not everyone is as amused as I. :) More later about this comfy place and why I inwardly roll my eyes when people tell me to keep hoping for that miracle pregnancy-after-adoption phenomenon.

It's like that first gyn trip...

2010-09-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

... You hear rumors about how bad it is, and you have this worse-than-it-really-is image stuck in your head. Then you have it, and it's over, and you sit back and think, "Now that wasn't so bad!"
Our first visit is over! We're finishing up a home-cooked lunch for a change, before my eye appt. We need a ra*il for the f*ront steps, dogs vaccinate*d, and our h20 is about 15 degrees too hot. That's it!
We have to schedule the second visit, which will only take a few minutes, she has to do an individual interview for each of us, then we can sit back and wait - for "up to a few years," she said.
Cool. Very cool.

T Minus 9 or 10 hours

2010-09-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

So we're hours away from our visit. My mom came over to drop off some food and an awesome mop, and helped us a LOT. I had my picture frames, lamps, and various home decor thrown on the guest bed (the future child's room - you know, the one that should probably appear semi-ready for said child, no matter how imaginary he or she is right now). I had given up and decided she would just have to see it done next time. My mom, Queen of Hide it When You Need To, had the room guest-ready before she left. I was feeling a little hopeless, starting to panic, and as always, Mama comes in and it's all better. Gonna get up in the morning to do some mopping and work on more laundry (there's ALWAYS more of that!). The garage still needs some serious work, but we're just gonna go with it.
15 minutes is all she'll spend on the house. Then it's interview time. So let's hope and pray this migraine goes away and I sleep great tonight and wake up refreshed and ready to answer a lot of questions! I'll update as time allows - I scheduled an eye appt for the afternoon so I could take a sick day instead of a vacation day.
She's supposed to be here at 9am Central time. We would appreciate all prayers, happy thoughts, etc.

We're Cleared!

2010-09-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

So hubby checked the mail today, and our fingerprints checked out fine. Not that we were expecting any different, but it's another box checked, another hoop jumped through. We've been doing some housework in preparation for Tuesday's visit. I had a dream last night that we had a bunch of junk in the middle of the living room floor, boxes of random stuff, and hubby refused to move it before the visit! I'm sure I'll think of a billion things I should've done while we're being interviewed, but our house is clean (planning to keep the ceiling fan on - don't wanna dirty the floor to clean the fan beforehand) lol. Hubby is trying to organize the garage.
It's all coming together! If only we had pictures on our walls, lamps out of boxes, etc, we would be totally moved in our house! ;) Maybe by the second visit - I have to borrow my sister for the day for that one! We wanted to take a trip over the long weekend, but we're still paying 2 mortgages. Right now the plan is to spend one day at an amusement park with older sister and kids. Sunday is church, Monday we're getting together with friends from church. Sounds like a perfectly relaxing way to spend the weekend before a visit! I never thought we would be this ready - I thought we would be scrambling the night before!
I can't really say I'm surprised. I have a peace that passes understanding. God's got our backs. He knows who and where our children are. He has all the details worked out, He knows the exact moment every detail will pan out. It's up to me to serve Him while I'm waiting. :)

It's finally here!!!!

2010-08-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

So we FINALLY got in touch with the lady when she had her calendar handy! Our first visit is next Tuesday. We were talking about going on a weekend trip since we're both off work Monday, but now we're staying home, and I'm really not that bummed! Our house is clean, but there's still a lot of straightening and unpacking and picture-hanging we need to get finished. We both need to get our physicals done, and finish some paper work, before she comes. My b-i-l needs to come over and install the cabinet child locks. We've gotta hunt down a fire extinguisher. I'm hoping to get a lot done this week, and not have so much over the weekend.
I'm also taking our niece and nephew to school this week.Hubby's dad began 39 radiation treatments this morning. It's so fun! I have to get up just a tad earlier, and they come over and watch cartoons while I finish getting ready. Both schools are on my way to work. I drop our niece off for 1st grade at our local elementary school, then take the nephew to his preschool at a church our cousins attend. They both cracked me up this morning. I admit I have raised a brow and looked at some parents like they were crazy, but I can already see that I will be that mom you see crying when she drops her kids off! WOW!!!! If the nephew cried, he would probably just have had to come to work with me!
So... We're sticking around home, and taking a vacation later.

It always helps to have friends in the know!

2010-08-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

So it turns out, what sounded like a calculating, conspiracy-theory-ish scheme that I made up... Is absolutely true.
I had said early on, even before starting our class, that "they" would probably try to talk us into fostering. They did. We stuck to our guns. There is a huge need for fp's, but right now that's just not for us. One for me, zero for "them."
I then theorized that "they" would use psychological tactics to talk us into adopting children older than we first intended. It honestly sounded a bit like the crazed-infertile coming out, but turns out, I was right on that one, too.
What psychology did they use? Shaping. In college, I had to train a pigeon in one of my psych classes. It was quite the experience, as I'm not an animal person - we had to remove the bird from its cage, stuff it head-first into a cup, weigh it, then remove it from the cup and put it in a special box to observe its behavior. The first behavior we had to shape was pecking a disc on the side of the box. My poor bird was so freaked out, it sat stone-still in the box for days! Of course none of the birds went straight over and pecked the disc, and thus the shaping began. It was a gradual thing. "Closest approximation to the desired behavior," it was called. in my case, if the bird flippin' MOVED, we rewarded it with food. Then if it turned toward the wall containing the disc. Then if it walked closer to the disc. Then if it moved its beak closer to the disc. And finally if it pecked the disk. Allegedly reportedly, you could also pet a wild tiger much in the same way, going from just being on the edge of the tiger's environment, creeping closer and closer each day, until you were snuggled up to its furry stripes.
And that was my crazy-sounding theory. That they would "hook" us into the class by saying we didn't have to foster, then gradually tell us that was our best chance to get an infant, and gradually work fostering into our brains. I told hubby this theory, and I'm not really sure he believed it! ;)
So then the desired behavior would have been to adopt older children, as there is more of a need to place them. We had been told a million things by a million people, both in the county office, and friends and family. Some said we could absolutely get a toddler or even a baby, but probably not under 6 months old - it would take a little longer than if we fostered, but it was absolutely do-able. Others said we would be waiting years. Others said it would never happen. The last night of class, we were told that the instructor should have told us up front that it was difficult to impossible to get a child under age 3 without fostering, and she told us about some young brothers who will be available soon. Young, but both older than 3.
So my latest theory was that "they" would try to scare us into older than 3 by saying we could wait for YEARS. That babies/toddlers absolutely are available, but if they could talk you into an older child, they wouldn't even tell you about younger children.
So I messaged a friend who worked for a different county several years ago. She basically told me I was spot-on with all of my theories and such. And she proceeded to tell me about another program we were not even made aware of, where if an infant is dropped off at the hospital, they are put in care until couet proceedings take place 4 months later, and the only plan is for the fp's to adopt.
It's so good to have friends in the know. It's also good to have those same friends confirm that you are NOT some crazy infertile making up evil plots and schemes that agencies use.
The psychology junk doesn't work on me. Sorry! Our friend confirmed that it's not crazy thinking on my part, I was totally right, and that if we stick to our guns, we should be able to get a young child (or young sibling group), and it shouldn't take years. So there, "they!!!" I feel like I'm beating you at your own system!

Aaaaaaannnnnnd... We're done. Kind of. Almost.

2010-08-24T19:17:00.000-07:00

So tonight was our last night of class. If we could get the worker to schedule our first home visit, we could prepare for the second visit, and sit back and wait. If. IF. What IF we could get it scheduled? Ugh. She ran out of time - we'll discuss it next week. She forgot her calendar - we'll set it up next week. She forgot her calendar AGAIN, we'll have to call her to set it up. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!! I've gotten the vibe, based on comments from other workers including her supervisor, that she's not really the most responsible or dedicated or with it. She certainly has the personality of a stinkin' brick!!!
So we also finally got our fingerprints done, something else that everybody else had already done. (Are you catching on here?!?) The supervisor does that, so it did give us a few minutes to talk with her. Aaaaaannnnndddd.... She told us it's rare to be able to adopt a child or children under age 3, because they usually get adopted by their foster parents; in fact, we could be waiting for YEARS, unless we're open to sibling groups or special needs or different races. Which we are, depending on what kind of special needs. Our county does have 2 young brothers who will be available soon, she doesn't know exactly how old because they're not yet available, but she thinks they may not be in school yet. They are in foster care right now, and their fp's aren't interested in adopting them. She doesn't think there's anything "wrong" with them.
She also said we will be available to any county in the state, which is exciting! There are ummm, let's just say a lot of counties in our state, so woohoo.
Hubby is giving the worker a call tomorrow to try, once again, to set up our first visit. I'm hoping we can set up the second for a week or two after the first. I'm so ready to sit back and wait!

InfertileInsanity

I need a new space...

We've been approved!!!

And then, I got over it

Just Once...

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Perspective

Oh, Deer!

Dumb, followed by torture

It feels wrong...

With a Consultant

No News... But here are some books i read growing up!

Where were we again?

Explanation, kind of

Frozen, for only the millionth time

The Prophetic Fawn

I'm doing it again...

I should be nesting....

It's a rough life...

It's a rough life...

Just admitting it...

Patience and Peace

New Territory!

I would be a terrible crack*head... Or a really good one, depending on your point of view!

Cleaning Strike 2011 is over, and more!

We're done!

T Minus 15-ish Hours Until Final Visit

Clean!

I Might Miss His First Birthday (Or, I've really lost it, someone call the psych unit and reserve me a room)

The Waiting Room

And we have progress!!!

Observations... Or, Shopping with Baby

July is Tomorrow!

She's having her fifth.

Please

Another Adoption Box Checked Off, AND it's VBS Week!

Stretched Thin

Got another blog for you!

Random bullet points

Role Reversal

I just need to blog about my friend!!!

Clean off the couch, clear your mind

What Drives Me Crazy

It's Our Anniversary, and not my favorite day is Sunday

It blows my mind: these kids weren't even born yet!

Pardon the silence!

Prayers, please

Shows they should let us film

The Comment that Rubbed Me the Wrong Way

Speaking Up

It's Noon on Saturday...

Wait. No. Not yet.

My Biggest Fears

Everyone is in agreement

In My Dreams...

Plugging along

Randomness

And then comes the crash....

Hospital, Home, NICU

Baby is here, I witnessed it all, and they haven't locked me in a room with my own white jacket yet ;)

It's all good :)

What's *really* going on?

It really did snow!

Gearing up for BS, Round 2, and another announcement, and ready for baby

Aaaaannnnnndddddd... I'm done with being mad, for now :)

i'm just gonna be mad, okay?

A New Friend from Ukraine?

screpfroat, stumickvyris, flew

White Christmas made for a spend the night party, and a virus

Peace on Earth... and in my heart

Promise I didn't fall off the edge

It's not even 9pm...

New Friends, and Playing with the Nephews

Sometimes, it's just too much

I wish, but i'm glad

Really Mine?!

**'s

November - Thanksgiving, birthday, NAAW

Train up a tween in the way she should roll, and when she is old, she will teach someone else...

My Parents

What's really going on?