Since you don't have kids...

Can I just say I HATE HATE HATE hearing that phrase???? I went to a jewelry party my aunt was having tonight, and the lady doing the show would. not. leave. me. ALONE!!!!!!! about joining up. "Do you have any kids?"... "Oh, then this would be PERFECT for you!!!!!" Because, you know, I have so much free time. Let's go over my usual week...
Monday night = try to stay home and do laundry, clean some house, etc. TRY being the operative word.
Tuesday night = older sister has grad classes, help with her 3 boys.
Wednesday night = church, where I help teach 4-6 grade girls.
Thursday night = plan to stay home, but most often one of 2 sisters and 1 sister-in-law calls needing help with their kids. Which, by the way, I love, because I am Aunt NotTheMama, and that means being the Ultimate Fun Aunt of the Universe.
Friday night = waiting for hubby to get home... If he gets in from work before too late, we might catch a movie or go eat, otherwise I'm probably collapsed on the couch or helping the same 3 girls with the same 6 kids.
Saturday = I really should be cleaning house, but if hubby isn't doing the fire dept thing, we're usually off spending time together. Or I'm with the same 3 girls and same 6 kids.
Sunday = church in the am, lunch alternating between hubby's and my families, collapse at home for a few hours before church Sunday night, when I teach pre-schoolers, then we generally go out to eat with my aunt/our friends. Then we come home, crash, and start over.
So.... Dear lady who wants me to sell jewelry when I don't wear any.... Since I don't have kids, when do you suggest I throw all of these parties?
Yeah, I didn't unload on the woman... But seriously. I wish people would remember back to when THEY didn't have kids... Granted, kids change things, and there are baths to be had, homework to be checked, naps to be taken, etc, but how many people just sat around BC (before children) going "I really REALLY wish we had something to fill all this free time with!!!" Yes, I have less laundry than you, I don't have to stick to a specific schedule like you do, I don't have to find a baby-sitter, or make plans in advance for a grown-up date.... But I DO have other things to which I devote my time and energy. My time is no less important because of my lack of children. And if there was something I could do about that lack, I would NOT become you and tell that childless couple, "Well, since you don't have kids..."

I'm going to the doctor.... Not because I want to, but because I have been having some Big-A migraines every. single. DAY. for a couple of weeks now. Today it was only a dull ache. There's only one problem.... I haven't had a physical since, well, high school... My family doctor is Dr Nobody... Haven't been to see the gyn in over a year... Should I start out there? There are just so many things it "could" be... Is it related to my accident almost 9 years ago? I didn't have migraines until then, and I haven't had migraines this bad since I healed from the accident. Could it be hormone-related? My sister tells me I'm not "normal" (I've been telling her that for years!), but I tell her sure I am, I only have to take RX muscle relaxers occassionally for cramps, usually it's just RX strength naproxen. (Take 2 (220) mg tabs, and that's not even the strongest strength, okay?) Oh wait, that's not normal? Psh, normal is so over-rated anyway. Is it stress related? Is it I-need-glassed-and-haven't-seen-that-doctor-in-several-years-related? Do I have some big monster-sized tumor lodged in my brain? Was that e-rumor about a spider hatching in someone's brain true? Okay, maybe not that last one... But seriously, my vision is now affected, which it never has been before, even when I had one, big, huge migraine for months following my accident. Thought and focus are affected, which hasn't really been a migraine-induced problem ever. I keep thinking about this stupid old commercial where the girl says "I can't think... Could I be pregnant???" And I KNOW that's not it.... Even though I would welcome it and people would think I won the lottery or something, I know that's not the deal. Ugh, how I wish it was...
So what doctor do I go see?
And dude, these yummy M's my sister-in-law gave me are seriously killing my diet.

To Blog, or Not to Blog?

Ugh... It seems that NOT blogging is NOT really working for me. Hubby and I don't really discuss our IF issues a lot, and I don't really talk a lot about it with anyone else, either. Sure, there are occassional conversations at work, and bits and pieces of conversation with my mom, sisters, and sister-in-law (m-i-l and I usually don't discuss it) between playing with kids.... So it's like my blog is the place where I get it all out. I don't really care if anyone (or nobody at all) reads it.
I spent the night with my older sis last night (her hubby was deer hunting), and got up with the baby this morning so she could sleep. (The other 2 were snoozing on with their mommy) I was trying to read some blogs on my phone, because it was just one of those nights when I needed to hear from someone who understood. I forget what blog I was reading, but the author talked about being in the dark and how we all need that time in the dark. I've tried to pretend I wasn't in the dark... I've tried to make myself think I was doing okay... I've tried to make it appear to the outside world that I'm not ready for kids, don't have time for kids of my own, don't want kids of my own yet, am not trying yet, have no plans to try any time soon, and am completely happy with just being the aunt. The "fun" aunt that everybody wants to play with. Which, don't get me wrong, I AM exactly that aunt, even to kids who are not really my nieces and nephews.
But I would rather stop pretending. If I was fine, I would be singing in the choir. If I was fine, I'd be happy to get together with people from church and not dodging their questions. If I was fine, I wouldn't tear up every time my sister-in-law asks me something about why I'm not singing anymore or if I will join the new "choir" of a few. If I was fine, I wouldn't be holding back the tears, afraid that onc eI start I won't be able to stop. If I was fine, I wouldn't be trying to hold it together in W*l M*rt while the teenagers in front of me were discussing fertility and buying pregnancy tests, you know, "for a friend!" If I was fine... I'M NOT FINE!!!!!!! I'm a complete and total MESS... I want people to KNOW that I. Am. Not. Fine. Not okay. Not good. Not happy-to-be-just-the-aunt.
There's a relatively new couple @ church. I'm pretty sure the lady and I have shared that I-know-you're-inferile-too-glance when I was picking up and loving on one of my nephews. I'm pretty sure I've seen her face fall when a new mama walked in and sat right in front of her, and I'm pretty sure I've seen her husband give her that reassuring glance. Or maybe they really are waiting until she's done with pa school, so of course I'm not going to bring it up.
Have I mentioned that all it takes to get pregnant is to become my friend or talk to me about how you're not pregnant?
Baby shower in February. Hubby's cousin, who told us she and her hubby couldn't go to an amusement park because she had a stomach virus on Friday, and then called on Monday to make her big announcement. Sister-in-law asked me if it would be easier for me if we went in together on a gift, so I wouldn't have to go shopping. Made me want to cry just because she is sensitive enough to ask. Made me want to cry because she had a reason to ask. Made me want to cry because I would really like to go shopping myself (I know I'm gonna love this baby girl when she gets here, and I know I'll go see her in the hospital and be fine until we leave). Made me want to cry because I don't know if I'll feel prepared to do taht kind of shopping within a month. I have to be in the right frame of mind, and it has to be something I'm prepared to do. I can't just grab a gift while I'm out. Sigh.....
As scattered as this post is.... If anybody is reading, know this... This is a dark time. I'm going to pour my heart out on this blog, and it's not going to be uplifting, or pretty, or fun. I may whine. I may sound angry. I may be wallowing. But I'm tired of pretending everything's okay, when that is just not so. But this is my place to let it all out, and that's exactly what I'll be doing for a while.

Cricket, cricket, cricket....

[humongous sigh].......
I've been quiet. Did I post that I survived Christmas/New Year's? I did a lot better than I thought I would, but I think it's catching up with me now. Lots of news lately about adoptions and births and pregnancies and turning-five's and findind-out-the-sex-of-the-baby's. Lots of surprising thoughts and questions going through my head...
But do you ever feel like you're just stuck on "repeat" for too long? I'm not blogging because I'm tired of saying the same things over and over. Banging my head into a brick wall. Sure, there have been small changes, at least for small amounts of time... Like before I started dating my sweet hubby, I asked myself what would happen if God wanted me single? Now I'm asking myself the same question, just in a different situation... What if God intends for me to JUST be Aunt NotTheMama? A scary question for someone whose only Christmas (or life, rather) wish was/is/remains a baby. Son, daughter, American, Asian, Martian, I'll take anything. Scary, but something I feel like I have to ask. And my answer, so far, is that life will go on. It will take some getting used to, there will be many more tears and possible more years without a Christmas tree (yeah, my mom's still not over that, by the way), but life has a way of continuing. It's time to "put on my big girl panties and deal with it," so to speak.
So if I continue to be silent, just go back and pick a random post from before, because that's probably what I'm feelin'. Or, I'm at my sister's house, playing the W!! and/or holding the new baby. (Yes, in fact, I HAVE played bowling and tennis while holding a newborn. The Jetson's Rosie ain't got nothin' on Aunt NotTheMama!) And picking up my shirt/pants/random clothing article that I "accidently" left over there, and my sister "accidently" threw in to wash with the baby's clothes.
That's what life with no kids looks like: "borrowing" other peoples' kids and spoiling their babies any chance I get.