Survive Thanksgiving... Check.

da-da-dum dum dum another one bites the dust! I survived the long weekend without any nosey questions or trips to the bathroom b/c of leaky eyes. I think we did manage to escape from hubby's aunt and uncle's house right before his cousin popped in a video of her ultrasound. Got lots of shopping done for others and ourselves, and hopefully will finish it all next weekend.
Tonight was the community Christmas Sing. Have you ever noticed exactly how mane Christmas songs are about babies and birth and such? I received several comments from people in our church missing seeing me in the choir. I've been thinking about going back, but I didn't really think this was the night to do it. Maybe after Christmas. As expected, my mom is SO not having this anti-tree thing I've got going on. Maybe I can decorate outside and she'll be happy? Last Spring, we bought this huge-mongous outdoor nativity scene for $25 at a yard sale. I saw similar ones at Christmas Village for hundreds of dollars. We can put that up in the yard, along with the reindeer, and Mr & Mrs SnowPeople. I still don't know about a tree though... I can see me in another week or two, melting in tears as AF arrives. Not. Pretty.
Again, my older sister and I talked as we were shopping, and she said she knows this is hard on me, seeing everyone else having babies and getting pregnant. Yeah, that and an entire month of celebration that reminds me I am a barren woman. And I'm hoping that people aren't getting the wrong idea. It's not that I hate singing (quite the opposite, actually), but it probably appeared that way tonight as I distanced myself and kept my thoughts away from how Mary and Joseph felt at the manger. It wasn't boredom, it was survival. And I don't mean to seem like I don't care about hubby's cousin's pregnancy, but since they don't know that it kills me to sit through showers and pregnancy-talk, it probably appears that way. I don't mean to seem like a scrooge, but sometimes I need a break from manger scenes and ever-expanding bellies on everyone but me. (Well, mine is expanding, but not for the reason I hope... Lay off the turkey, already!)
Bright spot... A little girl and boy hubby and I took around Wally World a while back, are in the process of being adopted from Ukraine. She was more focused on being her little bro's "mama" than on being a kid herself. He was amazed at such a huge store and so many toys. I can't wait for her to be able to be a kid!!!! Go visit them at hallfamilyadoption.blogspot.com
We are now less than 3 weeks away from the birth of my next nephew. I can't wait to hold that little dude and love on him. I looked through a book of baby photos last night while we were shopping. Ironically, babies bring me a lot of peace. CAn't always deal with pregnancy stuff, but put a baby in my arms, and I'm in heaven!! I love to rock and sway and snuggle them to sleep. I'm good at swaddling and diaper changing and bottle feeding, and there is no better smell than throwing one of my t shirts in the washer with baby clothes. Little B doesn't have a choice -- as my newest and tiniest nephew, he will be swaddled and lotioned and fed and changed and snuggled just like the rest of 'em!

Cooking, and new furniture, and MRSA, oh my!

My Thanksgiving cookin is under way!! Tonight I (mostly) made some pasta salad... Am adding in sliced cherry tomatoes and black olives in the morning. The oatmeal fudge is done and on a platter, although it didn't really get as hard as I like it, and took longer to get hard, so I had to just dump it out and slice it, and used too much van. flavoring.. But oh well, it tastes good! ;) Pigs in a blanket are in a zip lock bag until I decide what to put them in. I still need some decent sized platters for holiday cooking!! Tomorrow morning, I'm making mixed veggie casserole and chicken casserole, and perhaps some brownies. I'm thinking I'm taking after my mom on the holiday cooking, and she took after her mom, who I'm sure, well, you get the point. In addition to the obligatory side-and-dessert-and-maybe-meat, I never think I've made enough stuff, and there will probably be something else I add at the last minute tomorrow. Whew. AND all of my dishes so far are washed, dried, and mostly put away.
NEW FURNITURE!!!! Our couch (more like loveseat) and chair-and-a-half arrived around lunch-ish. It's browner than I remembered, firmer than hubby remembered, but it's all good. We've got some re-arranging to do, but it is soooooo nice to NOT have a couch from the '80's anymore!!! My fears of having an old couch on the front porch, on Thanksgiving weekend no less, never came to fruition, because hubby's b-i-l took it to his school. So we're all set, and we can have a major sleep-over, because both new pieces let out into beds! ;) Nephews all have somewhere to sleep, if I'm brave enough to have them all at once!! hahaha
MRSA.... The dreaded drug-resistant staff. One of my adult cousins has had it recently, who got it from her 17-year-old daughter, who got it at dance. Lots of soap and hand sanitizer, and did I mention I have a gnarly burn on my arm that will absolutely be covered? Older sister's doctor said no touching/hugging/kissing/etc anyone who might be infected, you know, with a baby due in 4 weeks and all. And a 5-year-old and 2-year-old. Ugh.
I'm thankful for..... Family togetherness, living in America, being raised in a Christian home, having my own Christian home in which to raise my own family, a wonderful hubby, great in-laws, chocolate, Dr Pepper, and way too much more to name. Even IF.

Getting a handle on things

Okay, I'm at a much better place now... Not exactly throw-up-a-Christmas-tree-better, but at least not let's-just-crawl-under-a-rock-until-January-bad. I can handle a few hours with the pregnant-cousin-in-law, I can handle their questions, and actually may just let hubby field them when he's around. I know I really should just take it one holiday at a time, but looking ahead, it looks like my next nephew's birth and Christmas and all surrounding events are in the clear from AF. Well, the one weekend is kind of questionable, but do-able. Here's what the 2nd weekend in December looks like:
Fri evening -- drive 1 hour to old camp/conference center I worked at in college. Spend evening hopefully getting back in touch with other summer staffers I worked with, and just relax and hang out. Be prepared for the questions, but hey, I rarely (if ever) actually SEE these people, which is usually when hubby is more open about stuff. SPEND THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! ;) Whew. Relax.
Sat morning -- finish up celebration thing, finish relaxing for a ccouple of weeks. Make mad dash home to cook for my dad's side of the family Christmas dinner.
Sat evening -- eat, open gifts, play with kids, eat, play with kids, eat, play with kids... It's gonna be a mad house... We're having it at my younger sister's house this year, the house she has yet to move into. Yeah, that's cutting it a little close! ;)
Sun -- church, etc... That evening is the church Christmas dinner, but also niece's last night of ballet-dance-thingy at a local church. Looks like we're skipping the church thing and going to the ballet thing.
Sun night -- after ballet thing -- crash, prepare for work Mon morning.
And hubby wonders why I want him to take off the day after Christmas so we can run away for the weekend!
HAhaha, for a while I wondered if it would be okay to fake an illness to get out of Thanksgiving plans... And now it appears no faking will be involved. I've got the beginning of some kind of cold/allergy/sinus funk, not sure which yet. MAybe by Thursday, I won't be sneezing and coughing in the dressing!!! ;)

To decorate, or not?

.. That is THE question around here these days. Half of my heart says no freakin' way, man! It's gonna be hard enough to go to all of the family get-togethers and play with everyone's kids and put up with their parents' questions and comments about us having kids of our own, and then coming back home to an empty house, with no diapers and screaming babies and cookies for Santa. Yes, I would take ALL of those. I have changed a first-poopy-diaper with my aunt-who-never-had-kids, and I would take a million of those rather than come home to a Christmas tree with no kids' presents underneath. If I'm struggling this much just thinking about decorating, what is it gonna be like when it gets here? And we're only gonna be home long enough to sleep, or come home, cook for the next place, and run out again. We won't really be here to enjoy it anyway. Then there's the whole taking it all down thing.
The other half of my heart says I HAVE to decorate. I've NEVER NOT had a tree!! Even when we had to make our own ornaments in tough times growing up, WE STILL HAD A TREE!!! And if I don't put one up, and my mom finds out, there is NO doubt in my mind, she will march over here and DO IT HERSELF!! And make me help... It'll be like those teenage years all over again, except this time, I'm not to COOL to help, I'm too SAD to help.
My brain says wait and see... I mean, we're getting furniture sometime between now and 2-3 weeks from now, so we don't really need to do it until then. December is already filled up, with more events to be added, so there's my excuse -- we don't have TIME to put one up. Will it work with my mom? Doubt it, but I would nearly try.
SO.... Any advice? Should I suck it up and decorate anyway? Or should I just leave things as they are? Also, any tips,advice on dealing with small children and large bellies at EVERY Christmas function would be greatly appreciated. ;)

Of course not, but it's okay

My lower back started hurting @ work yesterday, so I knew what was coming. And strangely enough, I was okay. I could use some chocolate, but I'm okay. Hoping I'll feel the same tomorrow at my little cousin's baby dedication. She'll be 1 next month, and weighs a whopping 12 or 13 lbs. Tiniest little thing!

And the waiting continues....

Have I mentioned I really don't enjoy this time of the month? 5 days to go... 4 if you don't count today, which is mostly over... It could be any day, but (even though I don't dare say it out loud, and hesitate to type it) I hope against hope that each day with no AF means one more day into pregnancy. It could happen, right?
I've been praying... Now this sounds silly, but I finally admitted to God that I do, indeed, want to become pregnant. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but up to this point I've been all "I only want it if YOU want it, God!" While I wish my heart was there, the truth is it's just not. Now, honestly, if it never happens, then I'll be okay with that. Argh, I sound so contradicting!! Is it okay to want something AND know you'll be okay if it never happens? Do I REALLY mean I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant, if I would give up so easily? Does it make me a terrible, horrible, unworthy mother-to-be-somehow, if I say "I want it, but I know I'll move on if I don't get it"???????????? I've heard it gets easier as time goes on, but right now, I'm finding the opposite is true. Each cycle is one less chance... Would this one have had my hair or eyes? Would this one have shared my nephews' sense of humor, or my niece's love of princesses AND rough-housing? Something's gotta give, dude! Now I'm giving my eggs their own personalities.... Hahaha, and I said I wouldn't become that crazy infertile....

Frozen...

...And not just because it's probably already hovering near the freezing mark outside. And we keep our heat at or below 66 degrees inside. It's that time... When I know that, in the next 7 days, I will begin to hope for what I KNOW is not happening. I already see some of the signs. It's usually this time of the month I do become frozen... I saw it in Sunday School, when I couldn't concentrate and didn't make any comments on the lesson... I saw it in preaching, where I will admit, I was looking towards the end of the sermon outline, wondering when I could go home, quit sucking my stomach in to make it as flat as possible so as to avoid any questions, and change into my sweats. I saw it in our Bible study this evening, when I again didn't really contribute a lot to the discussion, other than read some verses. I saw it when I was able to remain composed around a certain baby and mother in the church. I just become a zombie and wait out the days, then it all starts again.
Better stuff.....
**Went out to eat with my friend K and her hubby A last night. They are doing foster parent classes right now, and have been able to keep a set of 3-year-old twins in their home for several weekends, that they will likely be adopting after January, when parental rights should be terminated. Good for the heart. K let us play with the twins after we ate, and just let us love on them as much as we wanted. The little boy cried when we started to leave, which K said he has ONLY recently begun doing for only her and A, and NOBODY else, not even First Mom or Foser Mom... Aunt NotTheMama, well, the kids just know, I guess...
**We're half way there! The day after my b-day marked our one-and-a-half-year anniversary, which is not that big for most couples, but that means we're half way there -- in the same amount of time, we will finally be married long enough, in the eyes of the powers that be, to adopt. I've been singing "Whooooaaaa, we're half way there, whooooaaaa livin' on a prayer... Take my hand, we'll make it I swearrr" What can I say, I am a product of the '80's.

So I'm sitting there, waiting for church to start. I had picked up my 1-year-old nephew from the nursery, and was talking to my 5-year-old niece and her cousin while playing with baby... Didn't really have time to look at the bulletin before the service started. Then I hear our pastor saying something about a baby dedication... Wha?... But... Those are always on Mother's Day!! Which honestly sucks for that day, but you know you're in the clear for the rest of the year. Right???? RIGHT???? Um, apparently not... It was the couple who got married the weekend before we did. You know, the couple who, after announcing they were pregnant, made sure they told us we were next and basically put the pressure on for us to get pregnant SOON. Insert evil, jaded laugh here. I tried not to cry. Niece was sitting in my lap. As our pastor was praying over the new family, I held onto niece and the tears started. But I'm good at this, remember, so she never knew I was crying. During the next song, I went to the bathroom. That song is the hand-shaking song, you know, where you chat and swap handshakes and hugs with like half the church in 1 verse and chorus. I KNEW I couldn't deal with that. And I had snot threatening to run all the way down my face. Took myself into a stall in the bathroom, shed a few tears, tried to regain composure and make myself look like I hadn't been crying. Didn't succeed. Thought I was composed enough, until we started singing again. Just kept my head down throughout the remainder of the service, just in case. Hubby was off fighting a fire, I was left without car or house keys, so I walked home to sit in my swing and read my new Home Life that had several adoption articles this time. My parents pull up, tell me they are going to my fav Mexican restaurant. They leave, I walk up to the firehall to see if hubby is back yet. (Aside: the gas station convenience store is across the road from my house, and beside the firehall. The post office is beside me house, and if there were other houses, it would be a couple houses away. There are 2 empty concrete pads, and some grass instead. Yeah, it really is convenient.) So hubby finally comes back from the fire (house trailer, btw, lots of dammage, but they did manage to "save" some of it... but there were lots of holes where they had to cut into the roof and sides... when a trailer catches fire, there's really not much that can be done... But I digress again...) So we meet my parents at the restaurant, and she proceeds to tell me that our friend T, who just found out she was pregnant after an m/c and lots and lots of ttc with drugs and surgery and such, just found out that they are having TRIPLETS. Fast-forward to this afternoon, when we have another meeting for this New Year's Eve bash deal at our church, for all the community youth. T and her hubby are there, and at the end of the meeting, they request prayer, at which point our pastor jumps up and says we will gather around them NOW and pray.... I made it through the prayer, and off to the bathroom I went. Again. To regain composure. Again. And tried not to bring any attention to my red eyes. Again. And wanted to bang my head into a brick wall. Again.
On the brighter (or at least better) side, hubby and I had a nice chat tonight about well, EVERYTHING... How much this bothers me, how he is just his usual happy-go-lucky self, details about exactly why and how this bothers me... I told him I just need to cut and paste parts of my blog and let him see. It's so much easier to bang it out on the keyboard. I only threw one small object at him when he said something about my being "crazy and depressed" over all of this. Sigh... I'm becoming the woman I said I DID NOT want to become! I'm usually pretty good at hiding all emotion until I get in the car and leave the parking lot. Apparently, that's not really working for me anymore. He did decide, though, that it might be an okay time to start explaining things a little when people ask. Why am I not in the choir? Well, not just because "I needed a break," but because "Sometimes, it's just too hard to look out at all of you families and see all of your kids" (well, maybe not exactly like that, but you get it...) Instead of making up some excuse like "nah, not ey" and acting like we don't really care if we have kids right away, while dying on the inside, maybe a "Well, you know, we've been trying for a while, but we could use some prayers on that!" And to some people who we know better and are closer to, "Well, that's something I'm really struggling with right now... We're planning to adopt when we've been married long enough, but it's getting harder and harder to NOT have my babies!"
We shall see.

A whole, sad new level of "grown-up"

So, I went to Wally World yesterday afternoon, between work and meeting up at our aunt's house to trick-or-treat with 3 of the nephews. I am extremely sad to say, for the first time in my life, I bought toilet paper on HALLOWEEN NIGHT, dudes, and not the first PIECE went on anyone's yard... No, it will all be put to its intended use... I am officially OLD!!
For real, I am feeling it. It's not like one of those threshold birthdays is coming up... I will be 27 on Wednesday, that's not really one of those b-days where you're supposed to be flippin' out, is it? Because I am. And have been for a couple of weeks. I swear I can almost audibly hear a "tick, tick, tick..." in the background. Now, I know women have babies much older than 27, but once-upon-a-time-before-I-knew-better, my plans were to be married by 25, and done having at least 3 kids by 30, so we could raise our kids and enjoy retirement and grandkids before we were running people down with our scooters. Um. 3 by 30? So. Not. Happening. Well, I guess technically it COULD happen, and actually is more LIKELY to happen through adoption than otherwise.
But I'm trying to remember that God's thoughts are not my thoughts, His plans are not my plans, and He is in control. God was looking down on me when I made my 25-and30 plans, and shaking his head saying "This girl doesn't have a CLUE!" And He saw what my future was like, and I'm positive it is way better than "my" plan for how things "should have" went. Trying to hang on to that while I buy my toilet paper. Hmph... Come to think of it, I think this is also the first year of my life that I haven't rolled someone's yard at all, and don't really care if I skip it, because it would hurt my arm too much to throw... Sheesh, I tell ya, I'm OLD!!
And finally... Trick-or-treating is dangerous, kids. Both of my sisters take their boys to the same neighborhood we went to when we were little. My aunt lives there, and we have always met up at her house (cousins, too) and walked the neighborhood. We always came back with pillowcases FULL of candy. 3 kids (now) + 3 adults = nobody gets lost. For just a couple of hours, to the outside world, I looked like a Mama!!! Nobody asked me those annoying questions, nobody had a comment about how soon I would be pregnant, I didn't have to paste a smile on my face and give some vague answer. The dangerous part was the drive home, when I had zero candy to show for my efforts, the only thing in my backseat was a couple of boxes, my front seat held not a squirmy, happy, candy-filled child, but my new thing of toilet paper that wasn't purchased for trees. That, my friends, was sad.