Not adopt? Are you kidding?

Okay... Granted I had to talk/sing/yell to/at myself to stay awake during deliveries today... And eventually just gave up skipping lunch and got a :) meal to keep myself awake for the longest stretch of road back from one town to the next... And have accomplished NOTHING in my house or packing for a weekend trip because I took a "short nap, 1 hour MAX" which turned, of course, into sleeping about 4 or 5 hours.....
BUT... I feel much more at peace with things on the adoption front. I inadvertently found some blogs from (relatively) local people who have adopted older kids from Ukraine (my second country of choice, with the first being Romania, but that's closed so not an option). Next time I start that crazy talk, please remind me that I only need to find some adoption blogs and read them like crazy to remind myself why it is so important that we do all of this!! I think that I think we should start out with younger children (an infant would be ideal, but I'll take toddler!), but remembering what happens to these older children when they are NOT adopted really makes me want to just skip the baby years. And trust me, that's saying a LOT, when you know how much I absolutely LOVE babies. It's just not fair for your country to expect you to go from orphanage life to "Hey, you're an adult now, figure it out yourself... Here, have some change to start your new life!!" at the age of FIFTEEN or SIXTEEN.... Even if you were a "good kid" as I was, do you remember what you were like when you first started driving a car? Yikes.... My heart hurts for these poor babies that are just thrown out to the dogs and usually nobody cares what happens to them. My little pal Denis could be living on the streets right now for all I know... All I know about him now is, when I get the urge to pray for him, I don't care WHAT I'm doing, I stop and PRAY like crazy. Gosh, I love that kid. I miss that kid. He had such potential, and I can only pray that somebody, ANYBODY in Ukraine will recognize just how bright a young man he is, and just give him a CHANCE....
Sigh.... Trying to get to bed earlier than 4 am tonight.... Then between 5-5:30 this morning, the fire radio started going off like crazy, for a crap load of downed trees froma ll the rain. Honestly, Fay, I am thankful for your rain, but PLEASE go away and you know, make room for the NEXT hurricaine already!! I DID see a bit of blue sky here and there today, both literally and figuratively.
Mentioned a weekend trip... Hubby and I are going with my older sister's family to Gatlinburg for the weekend. (Tough job being the fun aunt, but somebody's gotta do it!!) I was wondering how I would make it through until October, when we have a Fri-Mon trip to Gatlinburg one weekend, and a Fri-Mon trip to Panama City the next. I ****really**** need a break. So, there's cleaning and packing to be done.... Tomorrow evening, assuming I get off work in time, I'm supposed to be going visiting with our Wed. night church crew, so I'm gonna ***try*** to get up when hubby does and clean some house or get some clothes together or something. Gah, we're leaving in practically 2 days.

I guess you could say that one of my biggest fears through all of this is suddenly going "Oh look, honey, we're in our 50's, and we never adopted any kids..." I try not to think of it, and often shove it out of my mind as quickly as it comes, but in the past couple of days, I've really thought about it. I mean financially, it just doesn't feel like we are getting there, or will get there very soon. Sure, we've made decent, significant progress on getting some things paid off in the past year and 3 months, but it seems like in the grand scheme of things, well, a lot of $$$ needs to be saved. His truck is less than $1000 away from being paid off, but then we will be buying me a car that is more reliable, since I do a lot of driving for work. So we won't be losing that bill, just signing up for it again.
But even beyond just the financial aspect, even as much as we both wants kids, I could see us putting it off and putting it off, until we're too old to keep up with the little munchkins. I don't want to ALWAYS be Aunt NotTheMama, as virtually every kid who KNOWS me calls me, but I couls see it happening. I don't really want to always have my house **this** quiet, but there are moments after I return home from niece/nephews/cousins homes or from being out in town, where I am glad to get back into my quiet little house. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually making more noise than the kiddos, it's fun that way..... But I also enjoy the quiet. Maybe I'm just not accustomed to it, because my older sister says she doesn't really hear kid-racket! ;)
And then there are times when I think I like the routine (or lack thereof) we have set up around home. I don't have to stop reading blogs because the baby needs something to eat. If I want to sleep in, I do. I only have to get myself ready to go somewhere. I don't have to find a babysitter for funerals and weddings and showers and such. But those are all very selfish reasons for wanting to remain a family of two. And I would give up my routine and quiet house for a baby when the time finally comes, without a doubt. Sometimes the quiet is TOO quiet. Sometimes I would much RATHER be trying to calm a screaming baby than read of yet another woman's misadventures in trying for baby. I am in awe of how moms do it all. They keep their house cleaner than mine, and take good care of their kids, and go to ball games and plays and concerts and manage to go to work, too.... Honestly, some weeks if the laundry all gets washed but stays on the couch, I feel like for that week it was significant progress. But with a baby crawling around, you can't really just NOT sweep the floor because it will take away from your blog-reading time. You can't really leave those dishes for another day, because baby NEEDS those bottles NOW. The ominous Yellow Room (extra bedroom / storage room) can't be left open when a toddler could fall and cut herself on that mirror we just HAD to have, or empty all those Christmas decoration containers.
Sigh.... I'm beginning to think that whole "three-year rule" is in place because it will take me that long (or longer!!!) to actually get my house organized and a set cleaning routine established!!!
Thanks to Jbeeky and Ellen for your comments. :) Yeah, it really would have been quicker to postpone marriage until after I had adopted as a single woman!!! And Ellen, my hubby has Klinefelter syndrome, or XXY, and as a result, his body likely doesn't produce any sperm. We are thinking about an SA, though, just to "prove it" even though the doctor just laughed when I was freaking out a couple of weeks before our wedding about our chances of getting pregnant on the honeymoon. I can laugh now, because obviously that didn't happen and I was flipping out for no reason!
Ugh, my thoughts are just all over tonight!! I had a brother and sister in the classroom tonight, waiting on their mom to take them to preaching. The brother (1st grader) asked me if we had any kids. The sister (age 4) piped in and said that we needed to have some. Then the brother got this confused look on his face and said, "Did y'all EVER have any kids????" So cute and funny!!! I later found out that they had been talking at home about how some people just don't have kids. Their mom explained that it was kind of like their grandparents not having kids, because their kids had grown up and had kids. So those poor kids are thinking that our kids are already grown, I guess!! Or that we just got tired of them and kicked them out! It really doesn't bother me at all for kids to ask questions, because they are just innocent and really want to know the answer. They are not trying to be nosey or rude or pushy, they just really want to know why we don't have kids, when everyone else does. And right now, for this moment, I am doing better with everything.... There were several visiting newborns/babies at church today, and I was completely fine with holding them ALL. We went to see some friends who have a 2-week-old baby brother for their 2-year-old son, and I really and truly enjoyed visiting and holding that tiny little boy!!! No threat of tears at all. AND we had a family reunion yesterday, and NOBODY asked me when we were having kids!!!! There were, in fact, NO questions about our future children, AT ALL.... It was very nice to just be able to relax and play with everyone else's kids and hold their babies, without trying to dodge questions and bite my lip to keep the tears at bay.
Okay, this is getting long, and very scattered.... And that laundry is just about done, so it's off to bed!!

Ridiculously excited!!!!!

So I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the camp and conference center I worked while I was in college.... SS was my second home. Oh sure, we mostly hated change-out days, when we all had to work in house keeping and make beds and gather trash and junk, but somehow I actually find myself MISSING a day of mindless work..... Because let's face it, if you give someone an extra cup in their room, big deal; however, if you give someone an extra dose of seizure medication, well, that's a different story, n'est pa? At the beginning of the summer, you couldn't believe you were there and had the whole summer to only work 40 hours, not go to class, and beyond a few hours for worship, Bible study or missions, and scheduled rec nights, you were free to just do whatever. Near the end of the summer, you just wanted to be done, already.... That last night, you were already planning who would be your roommate the next year!!
So I still get mail at my parents' house, even though the most important stuff comes to mine and hubby's house by now. My mom kept what she **thought** was a credit card offer, and I got it tonight. I noticed the return address was for SS. It was an invitation to a Christmas party/60th year celebration thing!!!!!! It was ridiculous, I tell ya, how excited this made me!!! It's an afternoon/evening, spend-the-night-and-next-day, kind of thing.... For free. It's like a mini-weekend vacation at my former "home-away-from-home," where hopefully I will see lots of people I used to practically live with for the entire summer. I am such a nerd. But an excited nerd. :) Wondering if http://www.ajourneyofhope2008.blogspot.com might be there?
And did I mention my latest pick-me-up thought in my last post? By the time the next Olympics rolls around, we *****should***** have at least one child in our family. Another one of those I-can-do-this moments.

Oh wait, let me guess... You're pregnant!

Ugh... Ugh, ugh, ugh.... Do not... do not... DO NOT..... Tell me on Friday you can't go to an amusement park on Saturday b/c you have a stomach virus, then call me back on Monday night to tell me you're pregnant. And before you (don't) do that, how 'bout NOT telling me it will be a "very long time" before you consider "trying," when you're probably trying as we speak. Hubby's cousin this time. Gives me one more good reason to spend Labor Day weekend baby-sitting 2 nephews so their parents can go on an anniversary trip. Then I won't have to go to the in-law's family pool party, because even Aunt NotTheMama isn't taking 2 children not her own to a pool. Anyway, wouldn't it be rude to bring along 2 extra kids? And they DO like to ahve the parents of children present when they're in the pool... Hey, their rule, not mine...
Even though I'm venting here, I'm trying to remember the positives.... Like how I realized this weekend that by the time my birthday gets here in November, we will have been married for HALF of the 3 required years of marriage before we can begin adoption proceedings... I can do half way there.

I don't even want to ask what's next....

This week, oh this week!!! Monday brought keys locked in car, for the second time in less than 6 months. Up to this point, I'd never done that! What is up? Only this time, instead of being relatively close to home, I was an hour away making deliveries.... Thankfully, not in one of the more "shady" (ahem, not like trees-shady, people hahaha) places, but at a mental health center (bad enough, I guess).... So this time, I just walk back in and go "Hey, y'all know a good locksmith?" And about 15 or 20 minutes later, I'm on my way, less $40, and making a mad dash back to the other town I deliver in to make 3 deliveries before 5pm.... Barely made it, only to be blessed out by some old b#&%$... Sorry, she was.... (No, I do NOT know my way around your ghetto part of town, lady, I didn't drive here until I got this job!! Neither do I keep the whole OFFICE in my car!!) Ugh....
Tuesday went a lot better, kept my keys with me.... But.... And there's always a but, isn't there? A state medica.id worker came in to update us on some law junk... Our pharmacist says "I hate to ask, but are you...?" And they proceed to bask in pregnancy-related talk... And apparently this lady had "some trouble" getting pregnant and had been through "some procedures," so c'mon, shouldn't you be a little more sensitive here? I just kept my mouth shut, did my best to keep the tears away, kept my back to them, and kept my thoughts to myself even after she left.
Today... Good grief, I thought it was over!! Went out to my car, cranked it... And 2 of my baby kitties run out from under it... Turn off the engine, get out, look under my car for the other two, don't see them, get back in, back out slowly, no kitties anywhere, assume they're @ our house, start driving.... THUMP.... Look in the rearview, sure enough, there's a dead kitten. Turn around, go back home, crying like crazy, call my parents so my dad can come bury my kitty, have to call hubby to ask where the shovel is (locked in the shed), so Daddy takes it to his house to bury it... Yeah, he was laughing at me when they pulled up. Now, Sunday afternoon, we came home to find Mama Kitty dead, either from being ran over or from being attacked by a dog, hard to tell which.... I wasn't too upset by that... She was a stray who took up at our house, and spent time between our house and about 3 others, mostly ours.... But those kitties, I only pretend to hate. We "rescued" the runt that was stuck in a box that Mama Kitty left to die, and while it's hard to tell them apart now, we **think** that's the one I killed.
I have tried really hard not to be one of "those infertiles".... You know, the one who really gets on peoples' nerves because everything goes back to infertility? It seems like the harder I try to avoid it, the more like that I become... I do still keep most of it to myself, but sometimes I don't really want to hang out with myself, honestly.... Which further isolates me and makes me stay home.... Which is just making things worse, I know....
So between running over the kitty and my parents arriving, these are my thoughts....
**I'm a terrible, horrible person to run over my own kitty.
**Especially a recently orphaned kitty, and now the other 3 not only have lost their mom, they have also lost a brother or sister..... TERRIBLE I tell ya!!!
**Good grief, I let the sea monkeys die, because I forgot to feed them.... I bought some weird plant/tree thing and killed it because I didn't really know how to take care of it.... And now I run over an ORPHANED kitty cat who just lost its mama who was an orphan too.... I WILL BE A TERRIBLE MOTHER!!! I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE AN ADOPTIVE PARENT BECAUSE I CANNOT EVEN TAKE CARE OF ANIMALS AND PLANTS WITHOUT KILLING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheesh.... Maybe it **is** a good thing we can't get pregnant..... Could you imagine THOSE hormones?!?!
I have since calmed down, even though I'm still upset that I killed my own cat.... Tears in my eyes as we speak.... Did I mention my hubby and parets both thought an actual PERSON had died at first because I was so upset? Yeah..... I've ran over several other cats who ran out in the road, but never one of my own.... Now I'm not one of those P.Et.A freaks, and those kittens don't wear clothes or have people names (or any names at all, come to think of it! ha!), but let's just say hubby refers to himself as "Daddy" when he's talking to them. (He did not cry, by the way)
Anyway, I have since calmed down... I know that I will not forget to feed my children (I've heard they won't let you forget, hahaha).... I DO know how to take care of babies/kids, because I've done it all my life.... And chances are, I won't be running over my formerly-orphaned children, because they will either be in the car with me or in the house..... The jury is still out on whether I "deserve" to be a parent, but I'm pretty sure my baby-handling skills are a lot more adept than my plant- and animal-handling skills.
This is getting long (as usual, yes?)... But a couple more things....
1) I have always prided (I hate to say prided? but it kind of fits? not really "proud," but eh, something? anyway....) myself on making it through a wholelotta crap in life without the aid of rX medication... (Or self-medicating, for that matter).... I've always said it's fine for people that need it, but it's just not something I need.... I need/want to experience things as they happen, deal with it, and move on.... But.... (And once again, isn't there ALWAYS a stupid "but?!?!") The more junk that keeps happening, the more I would like just a little something to take the edge off.... I don't want any controlled substances or anything like that, just a small little something to make me just a little less likely to lock my keys in my car or completely lose it over a stupid cat. I said I would never get to this point, but it seems like IF is taking over my life, and I. Don't. Like. It. One. Bit. But gee, I've made it through some unbelievable stuff without anything, so why can't I just "make myself" keep moving along like I always have? It's starting to affect **every** area of my life (TMI on the way) including the bedroom. Ugh....
2) On a completely random note, why in the world do I keep catching a scent of fresh dirt at the oddest times? Driving doen the road, working in the pharmacy, sitting in the house..... Man, am I I really just losing it this time?

You know what they say about wearing white underwear....

Seriously, this is ridiculous... And probably TMI... But good grief, for the past 2 months, it has been the same pair of (white, of course) underwear... I'm thinking about throwing them away, or burning them, or just maybe offering them to the fertility gods? Ha!!
And you know, there for a while, I had quit hovering over the calendar... Then, about 2 weeks ago, I got very emotional over the silliest things, my b*oobs hurt earlier and more often than usual (I told ya, this is all TMI!), my back hurt more than usual, I was sleeping a whole lot.... So of course it was back to the calendar. Never mind that well, let's just say hubby feels a little neglected as of late.... Never mind that I know the odds stacked against us.... Why do I keep banging my head against this brick wall of of-course-you're-not-pregnant-again-this-month? But hey, I just took 2 ex*edrin migraine*s because there's no sense in suffering through a brain ache for no reason, right? Ugh....
Sigh.... Tomorrow is a date with the world*s l.ongest y.ard s.ale... You know, the one with port*a*potties and plenty of Southern heat and humidity? Hubby is a yard sale fanatic, and this is the one time of year I actually WANT to go along with him. (Occassionally I will go other days, too, but I usually try to get someone else to go in my place).... So much for buying up a bunch of baby stuff, you know, "just in case"..... Glutton for punishment, I am.... I do have a small and growing collection of baby clothes, and lots of toys for the niece and nephews, but I'm really thinking of finding a good hiding place for it all. Kind of hurts the ole heart to stare at all these cute little clothes and know there won't be any little dimpled cheeks to wear them for 2 or 3 more years.
Did I mention a close friend had her baby today? I was planning to go to the hospital to see them, but God knew what He was doing, surrounding me with sick kids and adults all week. The nephews, sisters, and even co-workers have all been sick, so I'm steering clear of the new baby until I make sure I'm not catching anything. Whew.... Could you imagine the emotional down-turn for that one?! Sigh... Maybe next month?