Last week... What a week!! The son of a radio host I listen to several times a week drowned. My friends C and A had their baby girl who lived for 9 minutes. My aunt's m-i-l found out she has cancer, and it may or may not be life-threatening, it may or may not have metastasized into her lungs. My grandfather fell, again, and went to the ER, again, and was sent home, again... Another trip back to the ER later in the week, they kept him. He leaves the hopsital tomorrow for 21 days of rehab. Oh, and just to end on a wonderfully happy note, the pregnancy bug has struck the church! :) Apparently, all it takes is teaching the Young Women's Bible study on Sunday nights.
Several different people had suggestions/comments on how/why the 2-year-old was able to get to the pool, what they do with their kids when they need a shower (my younger sister still puts her almost-2-year-old in the highchair, because you know, they don't try to CLIMB OUT and fall and bust their heads wide open at that age. And they wouldn't try to eat everything in the bathroom. And yes, hubby, a chain length fence resting on top of the pool will work, or 2x4's across will do. It was an ACCIDENT. It could have happened to ANYONE. Don't have a pool? What about a sink or tub? Mop bucket? You can't watch them every second of the day!! For a few weeks, everyone will be extra vigilant about mommy bath time, then they'll go right back to showering when the kids are asleep/watching a movie/eating a snack... You could put your kid in a protective bubble, but how much are they gonna grow, and how prepared for life will they be?
C and A's baby girl... What an amazing, awesome couple. Ugh, just go to their blog, I can't do their story any justice. Amazing.
Aunt's m-i-l and my grandfather.... Well, at least they're in the same hospital. She's doing chemo then surgery. Having some diabetic issues, but otherwise holding her own. He is just old, tired, and lonely, and would much rather be in heaven with our grandmother and his Savior. Everyone hates to say it, but honestly he will be much better off when he dies. I don't mean that cold or indifferent or uncaring, it's just the truth.
Babies.... They're everywhere. So far 1 pregnant lady at church, but she just announced yesterday, so usually that means there will be more to follow. My older sister and her hubby are trying again, and we're all hoping and praying this one will make it. A friend of ours is not having much luck at getting pregnant, and no luck staying that way.
Where am I in all of this? It seems like each time my faith starts to increase, each time I start to see things in a positive, different light, and begin to be okay with IF, all of the above junk starts happening. God spoke to me through 2 situations about how He doesn't always give us what we want because it's not what's best for us, and He doesn't try to explain it or give us a reason, because it would be like trying to reason with a 2-year-old. I showed a video to my Wed night church kids about a little boy who begged and cried for a cheap toy at a kiosk, when he didn't know that his dad wanted to take him across the road to an entire wall of awesome kickballs and he could pick out any ball he wanted. That's how it seems with this IF stuff, I'm standing at a kiosk saying "But I WANT this, I NEED this, I thought you LOVED me!!!!" and God is saying "But you don't need it, I DO love you, and that's why I'm going to give you something so much better, just not right now..." I start to understand that God is still a loving God, He still has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. I grasp that there is a bigger perspective, that I see NOW and what is happening TODAY, and God sees all of eternity. Then I find out about yet another pregnancy. I keep my nephews or niece or baby cousins for a few hours, carry a sleeping child into my house, lay him on the couch, quietly clean house and check his breathing a million times. I think how nice it is that hubby comes home, I fix 3 plates instead of 2, and notice how different the house sounds when there are 3. I still know that God is on control and that He has great plans for me, but I was already questioning my sanity in signing up for a Bible study filled with moms of kids under age 5, and yesterday I find out the teacher is 3 months pregnant. It's not easy, but I still trust, I still hope. One of these days I will see the fruits of trusting and hoping and waiting.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I know, I know.... I think this every month... But I had been more tired than usual, I mean going to bed at 8:30 -- I NEVER go to bed that early. I felt like I was going to puke on several consecutive mornings.... I was adding up the days.... Then got a surprise on Saturday. Not a good one, either. I know this will sound weird to some, but God gave me a name a week or two ago, that I thought would be used soon. I haven't told anyone, I haven't said aanything to even J, but I was thinking maybe this was the time and all that jazz....
I've heard about women's arms literally aching to hold a baby. Now, I have some nerve damage in my left arm that surgery and PT didn't really fix, and I have occassional problems with tendonitis in that same arm, but tonight I felt.. and feel... an ache that's not nerve-related and has nothing to do with tendonitis. Maybe it's the disappointment and not letting anyone know I felt that way, because nobody knew how much I was hoping and expecting... Maybe it's got something to do with church tonight. We went to a former pastor's church to hear a former f00tball player from UA preach. The former pastor's daughter, who is young-college-aged (don't know exactly) was in the hospital recovering from a C-secti0n. (We didn't even know she was pregnant) Unplanned, unexpected, but former pastor was very excited and said that God has really blessed them through her "mistakes".... I KNEW I should've taken more Mid0l!!!!!!!!!!
Then I look at some old SS friends, C and A. They deserve nothing but a good, happy, easy life together, and they are preparing for their daughter's death even before she's born. I think of more friends from CFA, the A. family. One of their twin daughters just finished with major brain surgery, chemo, etc, and have so far had 1 good test result, have claimed total healing for their daughter, but still live with the reality that the kind of cancer she has is very aggressive and could come back at any time. I think of my own sister, who lost her seemingly perfect little one during the summer, and had to tell her 3-year-old son that his baby brother died. And sat there and comforted him when he poked out his little lip and said "But I wanted to hold him... I didn't want him to go to heaven yet..!"
I think sometimes that I would give anything to hold my child in my arms. On the way home, it was kind of lonely. My older sister and her hubby and 2 boys had asked if we wanted to go to taht church service with them, so we went and then went out to eat. The youngest was soooo sweet during church I was holding him, and he leaned over and laid his head on J and said "I wuv you, J" nobody prompted him. He's 20 months old. I played with both of those kids, of course got them some ice cream like the good, fun aunt I am, then we got in the truck by ourselves, just the two of us, and drove home.... I think I heard J snoring already. There are times I enjoy my peace and quiet, but sometimes our house is TOO quiet. I want to rock our baby to sleep. I want to have fun bath times. I want to have trouble finding time to read just one chapter instead of making myself turn off the light after several chapters. I want to clean up messy little hands and dirty faces. Heck, right now, I would love it if I was gagging my way through my own child's dirty diapers. I love being the fun aunt, I really do, and I thought it was hilarious when niece told me we couldn't have kids until she was older, because then we would be too busy playing with our own children to play with her and her little brother... I love being the "rescue hero" for my niece and nephews, but I want my own little one.
Sorry for the scattered thoughts, this is just where I am tonight.
I've heard about women's arms literally aching to hold a baby. Now, I have some nerve damage in my left arm that surgery and PT didn't really fix, and I have occassional problems with tendonitis in that same arm, but tonight I felt.. and feel... an ache that's not nerve-related and has nothing to do with tendonitis. Maybe it's the disappointment and not letting anyone know I felt that way, because nobody knew how much I was hoping and expecting... Maybe it's got something to do with church tonight. We went to a former pastor's church to hear a former f00tball player from UA preach. The former pastor's daughter, who is young-college-aged (don't know exactly) was in the hospital recovering from a C-secti0n. (We didn't even know she was pregnant) Unplanned, unexpected, but former pastor was very excited and said that God has really blessed them through her "mistakes".... I KNEW I should've taken more Mid0l!!!!!!!!!!
Then I look at some old SS friends, C and A. They deserve nothing but a good, happy, easy life together, and they are preparing for their daughter's death even before she's born. I think of more friends from CFA, the A. family. One of their twin daughters just finished with major brain surgery, chemo, etc, and have so far had 1 good test result, have claimed total healing for their daughter, but still live with the reality that the kind of cancer she has is very aggressive and could come back at any time. I think of my own sister, who lost her seemingly perfect little one during the summer, and had to tell her 3-year-old son that his baby brother died. And sat there and comforted him when he poked out his little lip and said "But I wanted to hold him... I didn't want him to go to heaven yet..!"
I think sometimes that I would give anything to hold my child in my arms. On the way home, it was kind of lonely. My older sister and her hubby and 2 boys had asked if we wanted to go to taht church service with them, so we went and then went out to eat. The youngest was soooo sweet during church I was holding him, and he leaned over and laid his head on J and said "I wuv you, J" nobody prompted him. He's 20 months old. I played with both of those kids, of course got them some ice cream like the good, fun aunt I am, then we got in the truck by ourselves, just the two of us, and drove home.... I think I heard J snoring already. There are times I enjoy my peace and quiet, but sometimes our house is TOO quiet. I want to rock our baby to sleep. I want to have fun bath times. I want to have trouble finding time to read just one chapter instead of making myself turn off the light after several chapters. I want to clean up messy little hands and dirty faces. Heck, right now, I would love it if I was gagging my way through my own child's dirty diapers. I love being the fun aunt, I really do, and I thought it was hilarious when niece told me we couldn't have kids until she was older, because then we would be too busy playing with our own children to play with her and her little brother... I love being the "rescue hero" for my niece and nephews, but I want my own little one.
Sorry for the scattered thoughts, this is just where I am tonight.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
It's Sunday night, I'm home, in my pj's, the washer and dryer are both going, hubby is in the living room play ing a video game.... All is well. Or should be. I had these great blogs written out in my head, one for here and one for my*space, but I sit down, and have already given up on the other one. I've started, erased, started again, repeat on this one. I'm content, but I'm not. Everything should be fine, just a normal Sunday night, but it's not. It was certainly not my usual Sunday. Not a "normal" church service. Can't say my soul is at rest after it. Almost immediately after the last "Amen," the fire radios started going off. (At least half the volunteer fire dept goes to our church) Brush fire on a back road, which usually is no big deal, but then this is the weekend of -usually-no-big-deal-goes-awry fire calls. Hubby is a member, and there was a time when I wanted to fight my way in (along with my younger sister... We were both upset that they wouldn't "allow" women to join, which was illegal, but small town, they wanted to protect us, etc, etc... I digress... It took me watching 1 house burn to the ground and watching the girl who lived there come home to see everything gone when she had already lost so much (another story for another day, involving infertility and her husband leaving her), for me to know it was not my thing. Anyway. Hubby looked at his parents, looked at me and said "Take care of her!" and left. I walk to church, because it's not that far. Went out to eat with the in-laws (parents, sis and b-i-l and niece and nephew) had fun, held the baby nephew. He smelled so sweet, he grinned and "talked and wanted to be snuggled. Beginning to think each "baby fix" just leaves me wanting more. Interesting conversation with 4-year-old niece on the way home. She doesn't want J and I to have kids because "Then you couldn't play with me and A because you would be too busy playing with your children!" ("But doesn't Aunt H play with you, even though she has children?") That got a look that said, in no uncertain terms, "Oh, but that is SO WAY DIFFERENT!!!" Really, I'm flattered that I'm the Fun Aunt. It's a great job. We discussed some details, and she decided we can have kids when she's 8. Hahaha....
Moving on... Went home, tried to get something done, barely succeeded. Hubby came in 4 plus hours later, took a shower, and we continued on with not-usual Sunday. He showered and we went to another church in the community for pre-funeral visitation, at which there was no body because the man was being cremated. Which brings up the other weird fire call. Yesterday morning, there was a "difficulty breathing" medic call. Those usually turn out to be nothing much, perhaps the person will go to the hospital ER, but rarely will be kept over night. In just a few minutes, 911 was coming over again saying the subject was coding. As in, Code Blue, and in, dying. Now, I know people that live on that road, but even in this small community, a call like that isn't someone you know well. Certainly not someone you just sat down and had a lengthy conversation with right before Christmas. Certainly not someone whose wife you had just spent the weekend before talking with at the youth' New Year's Eve service. Certainly it wouldn't be serious, this difficulty breathing, and certainly not someone who seemed fine just a week or two ago. I was barely awake, and didn't even know when hubby came back in, dressed, and left for a Sunday School meeting after he came back from the call. I was waking up when he came back at noon (I know, terrible I slept half the day....)I asked if the call was for anyone we knew, and if they were okay, and he told me it was G, and that he died that morning. Very unexpected for everyone. G and EM built a house over 22 years by hand, I mean everything in the house, by hand. Very very sweet people who knew me when I was little, and I was just getting to know as an adult. Perhaps that is the reason for my unrest. How is she going to live in those woods, with no close neighbors, alone? How would I? What would I do if my husband just died like that? How do you start to live again after you lose the person you've spent more than half your life with just dies with no warning, no time to tie up loose ends, learn to do the bills by yourself, fix things when they break, take out the dead mouse, hold you before you drift off to sleep, come up with funny responses because you've told them you loved them 5 times in 4 minutes, hang out with on a lazy day, watch a movie with, argue with, fix supper for, and the list goes on.....
Unexpected death....
Discussing children with a 4-year-old's point of view....
Always holding someone else's baby.....
Reading about A's and C's baby, who has not been born and yet is dying....
And J and her family wondering where their baby is.....
General unrest.....
There's something more, something deeper going on underneath it all, but am I ready for it?
Moving on... Went home, tried to get something done, barely succeeded. Hubby came in 4 plus hours later, took a shower, and we continued on with not-usual Sunday. He showered and we went to another church in the community for pre-funeral visitation, at which there was no body because the man was being cremated. Which brings up the other weird fire call. Yesterday morning, there was a "difficulty breathing" medic call. Those usually turn out to be nothing much, perhaps the person will go to the hospital ER, but rarely will be kept over night. In just a few minutes, 911 was coming over again saying the subject was coding. As in, Code Blue, and in, dying. Now, I know people that live on that road, but even in this small community, a call like that isn't someone you know well. Certainly not someone you just sat down and had a lengthy conversation with right before Christmas. Certainly not someone whose wife you had just spent the weekend before talking with at the youth' New Year's Eve service. Certainly it wouldn't be serious, this difficulty breathing, and certainly not someone who seemed fine just a week or two ago. I was barely awake, and didn't even know when hubby came back in, dressed, and left for a Sunday School meeting after he came back from the call. I was waking up when he came back at noon (I know, terrible I slept half the day....)I asked if the call was for anyone we knew, and if they were okay, and he told me it was G, and that he died that morning. Very unexpected for everyone. G and EM built a house over 22 years by hand, I mean everything in the house, by hand. Very very sweet people who knew me when I was little, and I was just getting to know as an adult. Perhaps that is the reason for my unrest. How is she going to live in those woods, with no close neighbors, alone? How would I? What would I do if my husband just died like that? How do you start to live again after you lose the person you've spent more than half your life with just dies with no warning, no time to tie up loose ends, learn to do the bills by yourself, fix things when they break, take out the dead mouse, hold you before you drift off to sleep, come up with funny responses because you've told them you loved them 5 times in 4 minutes, hang out with on a lazy day, watch a movie with, argue with, fix supper for, and the list goes on.....
Unexpected death....
Discussing children with a 4-year-old's point of view....
Always holding someone else's baby.....
Reading about A's and C's baby, who has not been born and yet is dying....
And J and her family wondering where their baby is.....
General unrest.....
There's something more, something deeper going on underneath it all, but am I ready for it?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Back From the Living Dead
Been a little quiet (okay, non-existant) for the past 2 months!!! Of course I was busy getting the house ready for Christmas and my dad's family (sisters-nieces-nephews-cousins) I forget how many we counted, but it was more than 30 and less than 50. Small house, actually we were in 2 rooms of my small house. There was room for 2 tables, a tree, a couch, and that was about it. There was no squeezing by someone in line! But it was fun. my nephews were the CUTEST opening their gifts, and my house was left just as clean as before the party, oh, and nothing was broken!! So since that's all over, I'm trying to get my house back in some kind of order, store decorations, and clean out that yellow room we just threw everything in the night before. Then. hopefully I'll be back to blogging.
That, and I really haven't been putting much effort into infertility/adoption lately. Kind of in that in-between phase. Infertility is just what it is... I've basically accepted it as a part of our life. I've kind of gotten back into reading some blogs again about adoption and different peoples' adoption experiences, and even read up on some specific agencies. Even that is so far away, I don't really want to do a lot of researching up on it, because a lot, and I mean EVERYTHING, can and probably will change in each country's adoption protocols over the next 2-3 years. Hubby says we'll probably be ready in 2 years, I say depending on where we go, it could be 3 or more... That seems so far away!!!
I've recently hit that Baby Fever stage (again), but so far I've been able to get my Baby Fix through my newest nephew, and my Kid Fix through the other nephews and niece. It's amazing what you forget about babies until you're actually feeding him or changing her again... Tiny little diapers and stinky formula and what a tiny little cry!!! New nephew, new cousin, new babies everywhere!! I want my own little one to hold and love and protect. We've talked about embryo adoption a little (okay, once!) so that might be an option. I keep thinking it would be a lot easier if surprise! I would just wake up one day and be pregnant, and while it would be nice to think and pray and dream that would happen, it's just not realistic. It's just not going to be that easy for us....
To end on a happy note----other good things happening at the end of one year and beginning of another!!
****New game... After not being at all interested in my hubby's PS2 since forever, his sister and I bought him the game and guitar for G.-Hero. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I may be joining a Step Program for it soon.... I am so totally NOT ashamed to admit that I freakin' ROCK, man!!! And there are some awesome songs on it!! The other sad thing is that the tingling and pain returns to my elbow/arm/fingers after I play it much... Hurts to get old!
****New Year's Eve party at the church was cool. 4 decisions, awesome.... And our church (and community) got to see a side of me they'd never seen before. They almost always see the quiet, shy, reserved side, but they got to see the Recreation leader, rock climber, FUN LOUD me. I realized how much I miss doing that!!
****Getting the bills paid off..... Knocking the studend loan down, working on the truck payment, trying to get to the point that our house is the only "big" monthly bill left. Then we'll either try to pay the house off, or save for adoption, or split the extra cash between the two. It could happen in 8 months, theoretically, but more like a year or so.
****Slowing down.... Hubby and I have spent the last could of nights freezing to death on the couch watching movies. Or rather, the movie plays while we take turns sleeping.... It sure is nice to be able to enjoy some down time at home with each other!!
****We pulled out the bicycles and aired up the tires.... And I lasted all of 20 minutes!!! HAHAHA I have not been on one since early high school, like, before I was old enough to drive... It's been more than 10 years, and I was a little slow and shaky starting out. If it ever gets ABOVE freezing again, I am SO getting back in shape!!! I really would like to shrink a few sizes!!! I doubt I'll ever see the size I was back when I rode and played ball all the time, but fitting into my jeans again would be nice!!
Yeah, so.... If ANYONE is reading this, could ya let me know?
That, and I really haven't been putting much effort into infertility/adoption lately. Kind of in that in-between phase. Infertility is just what it is... I've basically accepted it as a part of our life. I've kind of gotten back into reading some blogs again about adoption and different peoples' adoption experiences, and even read up on some specific agencies. Even that is so far away, I don't really want to do a lot of researching up on it, because a lot, and I mean EVERYTHING, can and probably will change in each country's adoption protocols over the next 2-3 years. Hubby says we'll probably be ready in 2 years, I say depending on where we go, it could be 3 or more... That seems so far away!!!
I've recently hit that Baby Fever stage (again), but so far I've been able to get my Baby Fix through my newest nephew, and my Kid Fix through the other nephews and niece. It's amazing what you forget about babies until you're actually feeding him or changing her again... Tiny little diapers and stinky formula and what a tiny little cry!!! New nephew, new cousin, new babies everywhere!! I want my own little one to hold and love and protect. We've talked about embryo adoption a little (okay, once!) so that might be an option. I keep thinking it would be a lot easier if surprise! I would just wake up one day and be pregnant, and while it would be nice to think and pray and dream that would happen, it's just not realistic. It's just not going to be that easy for us....
To end on a happy note----other good things happening at the end of one year and beginning of another!!
****New game... After not being at all interested in my hubby's PS2 since forever, his sister and I bought him the game and guitar for G.-Hero. I'm a little ashamed to admit that I may be joining a Step Program for it soon.... I am so totally NOT ashamed to admit that I freakin' ROCK, man!!! And there are some awesome songs on it!! The other sad thing is that the tingling and pain returns to my elbow/arm/fingers after I play it much... Hurts to get old!
****New Year's Eve party at the church was cool. 4 decisions, awesome.... And our church (and community) got to see a side of me they'd never seen before. They almost always see the quiet, shy, reserved side, but they got to see the Recreation leader, rock climber, FUN LOUD me. I realized how much I miss doing that!!
****Getting the bills paid off..... Knocking the studend loan down, working on the truck payment, trying to get to the point that our house is the only "big" monthly bill left. Then we'll either try to pay the house off, or save for adoption, or split the extra cash between the two. It could happen in 8 months, theoretically, but more like a year or so.
****Slowing down.... Hubby and I have spent the last could of nights freezing to death on the couch watching movies. Or rather, the movie plays while we take turns sleeping.... It sure is nice to be able to enjoy some down time at home with each other!!
****We pulled out the bicycles and aired up the tires.... And I lasted all of 20 minutes!!! HAHAHA I have not been on one since early high school, like, before I was old enough to drive... It's been more than 10 years, and I was a little slow and shaky starting out. If it ever gets ABOVE freezing again, I am SO getting back in shape!!! I really would like to shrink a few sizes!!! I doubt I'll ever see the size I was back when I rode and played ball all the time, but fitting into my jeans again would be nice!!
Yeah, so.... If ANYONE is reading this, could ya let me know?
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